Will The Sunshine Seethe In This Dark Endless Tunnel?

I am young, and beautiful. Nicknamed sunny and people tell me i am like the ray of sunshine, i am their peace and their friend. But i suffer in my pain alone every single day....i feel downright miserable and hopeless....sometimes i feel like killing myself, but don't because of what ever faith is left in me that what would I tell God...why i took my own life because i was too weak to deal with my trials?

I loved someone so much...i consumed my existence in his existence, i fell in love with him when i was 15 and for 8 years of my life, i spend worshipping him, i gave him all the love my hurt could muster, i did everything in my capacity to keep him happy. I gave up things he didn't want me to do, i gave up my dreams for his dreams, he was a conservative person and in some way afraid of my independence n confidence... I gave up my dream of pursuing my graduate degree, my dream of working in a respectable job, my right to dress up and feel good, sacrifices all the way, I assisted him financially, i finally got married to him at age 23...life seemed like a dream come true to me, i was married to my high school sweetheart whom i had dated for 8 years. My whole world was built around him and then it all came crashing down. He left me for no reason, casting blames upon my character, saying we were not meant for each other, and within a year i was divorced...wondering what had hit me.

I thought i would go after my own dreams...at least have hope to carry on... but they also seem bleak to me now... I feel like i am stuck in a bottomless pit with no way out. I originally belong to Pakistan...it's a way of life there i guess for men to walk over women n treat them like dirt. I came to the US just with the ambition to pursue my masters degree from here and go back to my country and take that knowledge back home. I had found love again...but i left it behind me too afraid to reach out for it. I wonder sometimes how life would have been if i had decided to stay with him...but i needed to achieve some own personal goals for myself. But here i am months have gone by, no answer from the immigration department with regards to my student visa, stuck in no where, i can't drive to places, i can't work, i can't do anything, it feels like i am a stagnant water turning to swamp day by day. It seems like some one has put my life on hold. Every day i wake up with a pain in my chest, as if some one has punched a hole through it and every night i sleep curled up, holding myself together, feeling like i would collapse if i didnt.

My ex husband is here in States too...we have gotten religiously divorced but not legally divorced yet. My student visa depends upon his status, because he sponsored my current visa, he wanted to lock me into our apartment and not let me go anywhere without him, not even grocery shopping, he wanted to trap me here living in a place like US. I was not even used to such a life back home... He was against my education back home, n he will never help me get my student status here... he would never help me with the documentation. I am stuck in a **** hole and i don't know what to do, my family in Pakistan has disowned me and i have no place to go, no where to belong to, a few members of our community were kind enough to fund my education from here in the US that I would go back and help people back home...and pay it forward. But it also seems like a distant thought to me now... I have no hope of what is going to happen...and i have no means of coping with it, may be one of these days i will finally put an end to it, n i will kill myself because i can't deal with this pain anymore, pain of shattered dreams, pain of longing for a love that i want, pain of losing some one i loved, pain of hopelessness.

Whoever reads this, say a silent prayer for me...that Lord gives me patience to deal...or perhaps just give me death and end my misery...

SunnyB SunnyB
1 Response Feb 16, 2010

Sunny, have you talked with a counselor at your University about this? Maybe there is someone there who can help you with your visa and your depression. I know this is really hard right now, but you must take steps to heal your heart and get through this. My first suggestion is go to your college and ask for help. Then, please tell your friends and those around you how much you are hurting. Don't try to be happy for everyone else, right now. You say you can't drive but you've got to get out and get some exercise and go places in public so you aren't sad at home alone. Also, as hard as it sounds, you've got to put this man out of your heart and purge yourself of him. Pack up any pictures or letters away in a box in the top of the closet. It may actually be the best thing for you and your future that he left, since he kept you isolated and did not support you getting an education. Why has your family disowned you? Do you have a church you can go to or are you Muslim? "Private Message" me if you need to talk. Don't hurt yourself! I am praying for you, Sunny! Things WILL get better before you know it! Write to me and I will try to encourage you.