I Need To Have Some Success

I feel like I am floundering, and I cant understand why. Two years ago, I would have said "I have it ALL". A college education, good looks, a great family and friends, confidence, humor!

 But for two years, I feel I have lost that position.

After I graduated college, I thought now my life will start! But, instead I have used up all my savings and worked at a humiliatingly low paying, low-level job. I dont keep in contact with many of my old friends bc I am too ashamed to admit to what Im doing. So many of them have finished further degrees or gotten jobs they wanted or that at least paid something. I know this is a bad economy, and i should be grateful to have a job......but why me? I see other people having success, making money, getting jobs, being proud of themselves. I want just a piece of that for myself and then I will have everything!!!

I am envious of others who are having success. I find myself hating young kids in school since I see them as having a chance to succeed. I feel horrible about this. I never thought this would be me, this ugly envious person, jealous of anyone, people I never would have been before. I hate that I cant applaud or be happy for someone elses success. I just want my own so bad.

The rest of my life is good. I am very happily married, still have that wonderful family, but everything is tarnished because I feel badly about myself. I worked so hard up til now, and am hitting a brick wall. It makes me feel worthless, helpless. I cry all the time and sometimes will just crawl back in bed so that while sleeping I can forgo my constant questioning....what am I going to do? What can I do??

I feel there is nothing I can do.

flitter90 flitter90
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 14, 2010

I'm new to EP and have joined this group. It's been a long time since you wrote your story. What's happened in your life since?