Dying Without

Often lately my mind has been stuck in reverse, waxing dreamily of two great loves in my past. Amanda I have written about a couple of time, but there was another after her, Melanie. Melanie was not quite a Fairy Tale, but she was love story nonetheless. Reality never allowed us to see what we could have been, and our relationship never took off the way we both dreamed it would. But still the love we shared was intense, deep, and passionate for the year it lasted.  Unlike Amanda, I have heard from Melanie from time to time over the past 11 years, and she is doing well. Ah what could have been?

                It seems I have been spoiled by the love these two women gave me.  I have never been able to come close to feeling that way again. I have dated numerous women over the past decade, including my wife of the past 4 years. And all my relationships are but a hollow shell of what love should feel like. When I came to EP 6 months ago, I was at the end of my rope in my marriage and was on my way out the door. The only thing that held me there were my sons.  My wife and I not particularly compatible, and she can be quite abusive. We have worked on it, and we get along much better. But still it’s emotionally flat. Never mind the sexless state of my marriage I have grown used to it. What’s killing me is the lack of touch and loveless void that has become my life.  I have hope that my wife and I can find it, but honestly she is something of a cold fish in regards to being affectionate, whereas I am dying without it.

                I need love. I need to feel loved. I need to feel human touch. I need to feel human arms around me. I need to feel kisses and caresses. Yet these things are missing. I could cheat, but it’s unfair to whoever it is a cheat with. I am not looking to fulfill my lusts, but to fill my heart with love that somehow has eluded me the past 11 years.  Cheating would only cause pain to myself and others. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

                Sometime I wonder if I am even worthy of love? I feel as if I used up my allotment of love in life. That there is only a certain amount of it measured out for me. I used it up, now it is gone. And all I am left with is the memories of what once was and will never be.

Smokeseek Smokeseek
36-40, M
10 Responses Mar 27, 2009

I will do my best Anewme, some days I am full of hope, some days im lying in the getter. I would settle for somewhere in b/t and moving in a forward direction.

Unpredictablyme said it perfect--including the hush! Listen to her words--very closely--

Im sure one day the right love will come by and gather you in warmth and you are worthy of love, I have read some of your stories and one way or another true love will find you dont loose hope

I am sorry for the problems in your marriage Smokey. I wish you the best my friend. Keep on trying if you feel you will fix all the problems and be happy again in your marriage. If you see it is not possible then you should have a courage to say good bye and open a new page in your life. I know very well it the most difficult thing is feeling pressed between two different way. Waiting seems secure all the time but not solve anything. You should go this way or another way but you should choose one way... I wish you and your wife the best. Here is a few quote to you :)<BR><BR>"An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea. " Buddha<BR><BR>"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." Dalai Lama<BR><BR>Good luck my friend.<BR><BR>Peace, love and light,<BR>Sleepless

ty flower :)

i love You

Thanks Flour..one day, I am hopeful for one day.

every person needs love and compassion and i hope you are able to find it again really soon!

Smart unpredictable lady above said everything I was thinking. How predictable.

Smokey, HUSH! no such thing as not worthy of love. You are a good man. Yes, of course you are worthy of it. <br />
<br />
All I can say is that you are in a relationship...find love there. If you can't then move on, no point in lamenting what is only fixable by you. I know it is easier said than done, but honestly when we REALLY want something we fight for it. <br />
Cheating ??? hmmm that shouldn't even be an option, and no it isn't fair not to you to her and not to your wife, who is probably in the dark to all theses or lack of emotions you are feeling.<br />
Be strong my friend and take wise decisions, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it whatever that may be.<br />
<br />
Kisses...to my friend.