Broken And Adrift

My life has spinned out of control ever since I went back home after college.
I could not afford it anymore and my parents had told me when they wasn't paying..but yet after coming home,I hear how stupid I was for doing it and " I didn't need to leave" and that they were going to pay for it....

Well since then...I have been in a deep depression the negative emotions around me from my house seemed to have attached itself to me...and it's breeding every emotion and sanity within me...

I was a born again christian...I remember those days In where I was happy...and felt so peaceful, special, and at one point satisfied...The love that I felt when I begged God to hear my cries and broken heart...was something that I wouldn't trade in the world...I felt whole...but unlike everything...something comes and mess everything up...

My parents are Christians, we were a family in where you would hear "Oh them, they are so beautiful and nice" but beneath the surface there was so much negativity. My father's family especially had caused much of it. However, because of this result this has lead my mother to be bitter, and my father to constantly ignore many of the things that are wrong.

I have seen my domestic violence more than once. I have heard my mother say that if she were to do life over again : she wouldn't even have children.

I know she loves me but the fact that I am constantly in the middle of everything has gotten my head and emotions in a wrong direction. They have the Christian morals however, their sarcastic, and sometimes demeaning natures had me question myself for even asking for advice.
So I closed myself up...

Ever since I was a baby, my Grandparents seemed to spoil me...they loved me a lot, just like my parents, but that connection between my grandparents and I had been too strong. It had gotten my parents too worried and ended up fighting them to have me back. I was young..I didn't know what I was doing...yet even now, I am still blamed. I was immediately pulled into a struggle between them. Something that I never wanted to be a part of. That all changed though, when my younger sister was born..and soon enough, she was the attention.

She was better than me in every way. She had lovely long wavy hair that curled at the bottom. She is skinny and is blessed lovely skin. She is bright, smart, pratical, and in many ways easy to deal with.

I love my sister, however, unlike me, I was never those things, and became very detatched from her, I didn't have those looks or pretty skin, I wasn't bright, and I never did well in school until jr.high school, and because of my grandparents, I had been spoiled. But put on the spot, and given that plate to eat. Even when it wasn't my own.

If something went wrong, the one that gotten the immediately blame was me. I had always been the center of blame for everything. I could never do anything write. Even in high school, Honor roll, Drama Club and Choir, you name it, 3.6 average and yet to them, I was just skidding by.

My sister however, gotten a lot of praise. Great academic progress. but me..."Oh that's good"

But when I started dating in my senior year of high school, suddenly, there are all the comments in the world.

"OH YOU'RE GOING TO END UP WITH A KID!" "FIRST IT'S GOING TO LEAD TO ONE THING, THEN TO ANOTHER AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX AND HAVE KIDS!" "DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE YOU OLDER SISTERS?" (I have two older sisters, that weren't soo great either, they were cool however, they basically had everything unplanned)

However, when my younger sister at the age of 14 had her first boyfriend this is the response: "Oh sweetie, it was just peer pressure, just don't do it again."

This had me more infuriated and angry. Everything that I had done wrong, was immediately remembered or brought up, even at one point I asked my father why do you always pay attention to all the bad things about me, and in response he tells me "If you stop doing wrong, then maybe I'll pay attention"

I am on the verge of losing my mind and thanks for all those who read....I need more than ever for people to listen to me...
I am tired and tired and I am hurting my family but killing myself...

I don't know what to do anymore.
GodisGracious7 GodisGracious7
18-21, F
May 14, 2012