Tired of Living

Hello, I am 24 and an Illustrator for Children Books.

I've been an angry and miserable person for many years, I'm self loathing and have very low self-esteem... also self hurt from time to time when I couldn't control my emotions, but things changed 2 years ago when I went oversea to study. I learnt to like myself, gained confidence, stop self sabotaging and I finally felt I'm worthy of something and am capable of doing something nice for myself for the first time. For 2 years I felt free, I walked on the street without worrying what others think, I stop thinking when people laugh it's gonna be at me... for once I'm not paranoid and am actually feeling happy.

Recently I returned to my home country after graduating, and everything is back to its original stat, even worse than how it used to be. I wish to seek for help, but there isn't anyone I can turn to and I don't want my family to know. I felt like a drag to everyone around me, not good enough for anything and useless as a person. I cut myself (not suicide, just cutting) when I was angry after any arguement with my mother, and would randomly cry when it wasn't such a big deal but I couldn't help it... I think there's something wrong with me. I also realized I've gotten violent... I love animals and they help me feel better sometimes, but last week when I was gave my cat a bath and he was making a lot of noise, I just snapped and hit him real hard, I felt horrible after doing so and don't even knwo why I did it... I'm shocked of my own action and I scare myself.

The idea of dying comes to mind frequently lately, I believed that living is so much more painful than dying. I immagined faking a serious car accident everytime I drive, I wish bad things will just happen and kill me. I want ot feel happy again, I really do, but I can't. I know that I myself am the one who's avoiding it, but I don't know how to get better.
hokkyokuguma hokkyokuguma
2 Responses Aug 4, 2010

i hope you can reply to us soon x

your admitting you need the help, you are not avoiding the fact that this is an issue you have to address. well done you have allready begun getting help. there are a few roads you could go down but either way i do suggest you choose someone to confide in, i know you say you dont want your family to know but at least think about it, family is there for support.<br />
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i think you need to change your attitude about yourself drasticly and you need to figure out what triggers these violently negtive thoughts and feelings. if you have a good think and even talk it out with someone even if its only on EP that could a be a great start too.<br />
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i also suggest when you feel ready, that you talk to a doctor. they will not tell anyone else and they can explain all the best help for you.<br />
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but you need a friend and im sure you can find one on here<br />
all the best x