A Broken Soul And Emotionally Numb

for a long time now i have been somewhat numb over my friends, family, and life alltogether,when someone talks to me about a topic 9 times out of 10 i REALLY dont care or have any interest. Ironically, i can be sensitive and feel offended over small comments or facial gestures or tones the people make. Ive heard numbness comes from a tramatic experience in life, i believe it may have came from two or three things: first my Grandma is suffering from alziemers and would have mood swings and would have full conversations with family pictures, we would catch her talking to them and even prepare meals for them........i didnt know how to take this..i was angry,scared, embarrassed, terrifed and helpless knowing it wasnt goin to get better. Here i had someone who raised me with my mom and i literally see her loosing her mind in front of me, at this time i was 22 and was going to a tech school back and forth to home. Instead of crying about this or screaming or punching something...these feelings....sorta stayed there, i menatally couldnt take it and simply escaped......in my mind, created a getaway in my head and refused to deal with reality, i slowly started to stay in my room more, became more quiet and would talk less. She progressively gotten worse and so did my emotions, i slowly stopped "caring " started loosing my memory, only remembered negative things, became passive, had mood swings, and more fatique. I would get emotional through tv shows, and stories or if someone was picking on me, but other than that i was on auto-pilot.

I feel really slow sometimes because it seem i cant grasp certian situations, i feel like i should be sharp and assertive but its like i have a blockage that gives me a delayed reaction. ive been told i was a slow person, i also have low-self esteem for most of my life because of my weight. when i was younger my family, friends and classmates teased me for my weight.....i would cry and get angry when it occurred but now i eats me up inside. I have one friends whos real blunt and stabs my heart everytime he makes insults. I have anxiety problems where my heart race easily and become nevrous, im easily intimidated and dont really keep strong connections with others,. i dont have a big circle of friends and never had a girlfriend nor had sex.

I just have a big bucket full of issues, im shy, easily distracted, have mood swings, and anger issues, and since i have trouble dealing with real problem i blank out to the world and hide mentally escape like a turtle in a shell
jestro jestro
26-30, M
Jan 18, 2013