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Whats Wrong With Me

 

This is really long and crazy. Im the middle child of a family of three kids. Growing up I never felt loved. I was so scared of my parents, mostly though of my dad. I would get beat alot by him, not just a spanking or smack here and there Im talking punches in the back, smacks on the face, hair pulling, punishments of me sitting by the corridor leading to the front door of our house in the middle of the night in the shoes. I dont know why it was that way, but it was. I was scared to talk in front of him, to eat, to do anything. I never had that carefree run around with your friends in a supermarket type thing when I was with my parents. I was very well behaved. My two siblings one older and one younger both got sick right around the time I hit puberty. Instead of crying in a corner like always, I started sulking and showing defiance to the preferential treatment they exhibited toward my siblings. I got beat to unconsciousness after throwing up blood that one time. I was told by my mother that I was a mistake, I should have been aborted like my parents had planned during my mom's pregnancy.

ARound 13 years old, I had enough. Found solace in an online relationship. Dude was 19 but I was desperate for someone to call my own and I lied to him and told I was 16 (i looked it too). My parents found out just after two meetings with him. Again, beatdown like you wouldnt believe. They lost all trust in me.

I got to high school, made a boyfriend. That lasted about 7 years. Im almost 22 now. We were happy at first, but he was very controlling and possessive. He dictated who I could and could not be friends with. So in my whole high school experience, I was only allowed to have one friend. Alot of people wanted to be my friends but I shut them out. I regret that alot. I used to cut school to hang out with him, my parents found out but at that point I lost all respect for them and I wanted to dow hatever I had to to hold onto this love, this awesome person who finally just UNDERSTOOD and LOVED me. Or so I thought. Soon he too became violent, sometimes pushing me, other times hitting my head in a wall if he saw another guy talking to me (even just a classmate in class!!!). I resisted but I didnt want to drive him away.

He lied to me several times after graduating high school that he was married, an arranged one as is customary in his culture. I went through so many of his "weddings" with a heavy heart thinking I was a mistress, but not having the strength to leave because he was my only lifeline. I had a horrible relationship with my parents, and eventually with my brother too who hacked my emails, and read many sexual exchanges between me and my then-boyfriend.

My brother did something really disgusting, and started emailing me his OWN nudes. Drove me to a dead end one day asking how much I liked sex. I called home crying that day refusing to come home.My mother knew about all this as I had been telling her how uncomfortable I was around him, but my father did nothing about it. Acted like not a thing had happened. I was miserable.

That summer I reached the lowest of lows. I left my house a total of 7 times in 3 1/2 months, and just let myself GO. I wouldnt sleep nights, and then slept all day. Then a period of severe derpession came where my boyfriend claimed to be married, AGAIN. I couldnt take it anymore. I started having panic attacks, and during that period I used to easily sleep 23 hours a day, my longest stint being 29 hours.... just with a bathroom break in between. I gained 25 lbs in 3 months.

Between then and now whenever he and I broke up, I would rebound with guys and then feel disgusted by myself. I dropped out of high school for this guy, he nearly killed me this year and I had to get a permanent restraining order against him. I've given up alot on life. Im not ME, the me that was before I met him. I never got to be MEEEEEE.... he molded me as he wanted, and I let him. Then I gained all this weight, and he put me down for it. Would bring his friends around and they'd hurl insults and taunt me. He cheated on me countless times. I dont know why I still went back. I cant explain it.

Last year he told me the only way he could convince his parents to marry me is if I got pregnant. So we tried a couple times, and BAM. I did. I got pregnant. He broke up with me for the millionth time right before I found out. He cursed me out like crazy and made me get an abortion. I started hating him and myself then. He didnt support me at all during that time besides paying for it. That really hurt me bad. More than anything he had ever done to me before.

I went from being a smart, beautiful sought after girl oozing confidence and a wonderful personality to this fat, 50 lb overweight bitter angry woman. I have so much potential but I feel horrible about myself. I cant look at myself in the mirror. Everywhere old classmates look at me and say HORRIFIED.... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?? Jerks scream "wow you got fat!"

So, in this depression I joined a website. A forum. I started posting problems of my own, and when I had nothing else to do, spare time but no one to spend it with... I started spinning tales. Far fetched.... about me being a girl with this miserable life but a loving family. I wish I had that loving family despite the miserable life... so I concocted it.. Everytime something went wrong, I would post about someone dying. I dont know. I know it was wrong, but I did it. Then I started using some b list dutch unknown celebrity's pictures as my own. During this time, I started talking to the owner of that site. He believed those pics were me. We started chatting on the phone. At first it was just for me to pass time and be happy, not lonely and miserable, but I fell for him, and he for me. He insisted we meet, and I made a thousand excuses. Eventually I just told him those pics were of my friend, and she talked to him online, but I was the person he was talking to and texting for hours on end. He was willing to overlook it, he said he doesnt care that much for looks. He's in love with the personality. Well I showed him my real pics, he said he likes me. We met, we got physical (another big problem of mine.... I need to stop degrading myself like that)... and right after the fact, he said he knows that I was lying, and I am in fact the girl who was on his website telling tall tales using fake photos.

I was MORTIFIED. He claimed he's not mad and he's over it and that he forgives me and understands why I did it, but I guess he didnt really, because soon after that he broke up with me. :( It was either he thinks im crazy or the fact that she was this beautiful model, and well, me? im just this fat but pretty liar.

Im so ashamed of myself and my actions. This is NOT SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE EVER DONE. I cant even think of what possessed me to do all this and to degrade myself and embarass myself like that. I dont want to be like this anymore. I know what I did was wrong and it wont ever happen again, but I want to heal. I want to be better. I want to love myself and be worthy of love. I dont want to humiliate myself. I want people to value me. I want to be skinny again, but nothing motivates  me.

 I feel empty, I feel used, abused, disgusted with my own self, helpless, hopeless, upset, scared, like I wasted so much of me, myself, time, opportunity, abilities in life. I feel like garbage. Nothing fulfills me. Food is like medicine and men like puppets, the ones that do treat me good I get annoyed with... I just need that emotional support all the time. I NEED to feel loved even if its with a married man now Ill go for it. Even if its my best friends boyfriend, I probably would still thirst for the attention and love. Im MISERABLE.

Someone please tell me im normal and I'll be fine.

confusedasheck confusedasheck 18-21, F 4 Responses Dec 21, 2009

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sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time - some people can be cruel! You deserve some kindness, by the sound of it!

Its just so hard to not live in the past. I have so many regrets, so much hurt and anger and just plain frustration with what my life was on track to being and what it became. This isnt even all of it... I could write for pages and pages of what my ex put me through. Sadly though, I dont hate him. I really should. In fact, I still have days where I wish so bad that he hadnt done what he did, because now that I dont have him, I have no one. I resent my mom for not standing up to my dad and brother for what he did to me, Im mad at them for not getting me the help I needed when I went through that depression.... there came a point where they actually thought I died thats how long I had slept... yet their pride didnt allow me to go see a therapist.



It sucks being so alone. He was a part of me. We spent 7 years together. He knew the ins and outs of my life. There were no secrets. He UNDERSTOOD me. Now that thats gone, all hopes and dreams have been quashed of getting away from this messed up home too. Thankfully things are getting better now, but I cant forget what my brother did to me. I just wont. I cant envision myself starting over with someone again. My personality is dead, I dont recognize myself anymore, Im boring and dull and MESSED UP. The guys that come into my life can see it. The ones that are to come will see it and run. No one can possibly understand what I've been through, what demons chase me in my dreams, what fears and insecurities gnaw at my head. Theres so much emotional baggage that lingers over my head like a ton of bricks ready to fall and crush my head. I've thought of suicide so many times, I cut myself trying to do it years ago but was too scared to go deep. I know I'm not capable of it, but sometimes it scares me when I start thinking about those times.



Im going to be better though. I will get help.

Its too bad some people are allowed to be parents. If they did'nt want you as there cild they should have put you up for addoption so tht some loving family could have made you be the happy girl you desere to be.I hope you can come to terms with YOURSELF not those who have hurt you. They belong in the past and I am sure you can make plans for a much brighter future. You sound very smart and I believe you can get to where you need to be. Best of luck and if you need an ear you can write to me any time. I have gone through a real tough time my self but in a totally diferent way. Hope you can have a happy holiday.

Sicerly moose2utoo@yahoo.com

PS sorry for the poor spelling

Oh sweetheart, thankyou for openingup about your life. Youve been through alot more than most people and its no suprise that you are feeling the way you do about yourself. Can i just say you are beautiful and deserve all the happiness and respect in the world. It sounds like youve been on self destruct mode but really need alot of love, something you were deprived of. What your father did to you was a terrible thing and completly inhumane. No-one should have to be treated like that and youve been in the same destructive relationships and put up with crap from them because maybe you thats all you are worth.

You should give yourself a little break considering the trauma thats happened and spend some time by yourself, a relationship will not necessarily fill that gap that needs to be filled. Have you spoken to someone prefessional about this? Ive also had some nasty things happen in my life but nothing compared to what youve had happen to you. First of all, commend yourself for making it through and tell yourself that you are not going to be other people's plaything anymore. You deserve love but first you have to work on loving yourself and it can and does happen no matter the circumstances. Get to know yourself again and get in touch with your inner child, the one that wasn't tended to, nurture her and show some love for all thats happened. I know things will get better for you but you have to have hope and self belief that you will get there.

Hugs xx