I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

I always feel run down, tired, blue. I have trouble sleeping, I don't ever seem to stay happy for long. Whenever I find myself being happy, I get overly analytical, and find myself sink into the self-doubting cycle I always fall into.

I am also anxious and worried all the time. I worry constantly about what others are thinking of me. I know, in my mind, that everyone isn't watching me all the time, but you never know when someone might be watching and making judgments about you. I also know that if someone has a bad opinion of me it isn't the end of the world, but it feels like it. It's something I can't control, can't know. I might do something to offend someone, make myself look bad, make someone else look bad. I don't want to be the best or perfect, just to be able to blend in and be unnoticed. I don't want to stand out, or be the center of attention. But I often end up that way. I'm smart. Above average. This means that whenever I perform any less than perfect, people notice and point out every flaw. But when I perform well, I have to live up to that same standard again and again. I have found myself, when around new people, to under perform out of fear of having to live up to it in the future. It's better for them to think I'm stupid and try hard than smart and can't perform.

I am tired of being so afraid. I want to be myself. I want to be able to open up to my friends. I want to know that someone, at least, will still care about me even if they know me fully. But, I'm to afraid to let anyone get close enough to me to find out. There are always barriers in the way.

maladicta maladicta
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 5, 2010

I was like this in childhood. I never wanted to fall in others attention. I was so sensitive to criticism that even if I knew about something I would act like I did not know. But after then my classmates changed, my teachers changed, & I got into so many activities even in which I was bad at. I was made fun of, I got embarrassed.But then I made so many friends, I did not care about those who hated me. My point is just be yourself, when you are honest about yourself, not only others get surprised but there are chances of you getting surprised yourself.

Well, you have friends so things can't be all that bad. The only thing that has ever helped me when I start thinking about something that is going to bring me down is the Lord's Prayer.

have you tried getting up each morning and telling yourself " today I live for ME, no regard for others thoughts of me. Im not perfect nor is anyone else.my aspirations are for MY benefit not others" everyone does things and fail at times, and if anyone has the audacity to criticize and belittle you for a mistake you made just smile and say, a am human afterall. im a little like you...I had to retrain this old brain to relax,it sounds like you may need to train your thoughts to believe this. just remember try you best and if your best isn't good enough..at least you tried and can continue trying. in a world of judgemental people its hard to get past the thought of everyone seeing your every mistake. rest assured dear, We ALL make them =) (and oh boy have I made them!) =) I hope this helps at least a little. best of wishes and luck to you