A Cry Out For Help

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS….MY HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS TEMPORARY AND I CAN’T KEEP FOCUS ON WHATS IMPORTANT LONG..THE ONLY THING/THINGS THAT MAKES ME HAPPY IS WHEN I'M OUT SHOPPING OR OUT TO EAT ANYTHING WHERE SPENDING MONEY IS INVOLVED OR JUST OUT THE HOUSE PERIOD THEN ITS LIKE AS SOON AS I GET BACK HOME I'M BACK IN A DEPRESSED STATE OF MIND , I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I DON’T LIKE TO BE AT A STAND STILL I LIKE TO ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO..WHEN I'M JUST SITTING HOME I FEEL POINTLESS LIKE I DON’T MATTER TO NO ONE AND SERIOUSLY BEING THAT I DON’T HAVE FRIENDS IM ALWAYS LONELY NO ONE TO REALLY HANG OUT WITH THEN TO MAKE MATTERS WORST I DON’T HAVE MY OWN TRANSPORTATION SO I'M NOT ABLE TO COME AND GO AS I PLEASE…I DON’T HAVE A JOB AND BARELY KEEP MONEY IN MY POCKET MAJORITY OF EVERYTHING I OWN WAS PURCHASED BY SOMEONE ELSE AND THAT SAME TREND IS BEING PASSED DOWN TO MY DAUGHTER FAMILY HELPING ME OUT SHOULD BE AN OPTION NOT AN OBLIGATION I WAS NOT READY FOR A CHILD I WAS NOT WHERE I NEEDED TO BE MENTALLY,SPIRITIALLY , OR FINANCIALLY I LOVE MY CHILD BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE AN UN-FIT PARENT MAINLY BECAUSE I CANNOT PROVIDE FOR HER….LOOK AT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH I RELY ON MY MOM FOR EVERYTHING THE ONE THING I CAN DO IS FEED MYSELF AND MY CHILD AND THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE I GET FOOD STAMPS STILL SOME SORT OF ASSISTANCE SO WHAT IF MY MOM PASSES AWAY GOD FORBID OR MY BENEFITS STOP OR THE GOVERNMENT STOPS GIVING ASSISTANCE WHERE WOULD THAT LEAVE ME….SOMETIMES ITS HARD TO SEE MYSELF AS AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN BECAUSE I'M NOT I RELY ON OTHER SOURCES FOR EVERYTHING…IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING THAT STARTS OFF GOOD FOR ME END UP BEING ANOTHER DISASTER I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO NOW A DAYS BECAUSE I HAVE UN-KNOWINGLY baseD MY LIFE OFF A TEMPORARY ENJOYMENT THEREFORE I ALREADY PREDICT FAILURE BEFORE I EVEN TRY AND IT HAS LANDED ME HERE…..ALONE BORED ALL THE TIME AND A SINGLE MOM YEAH ME AND MY CHILD'S DAD NATURALLY HAS ISSUES BUT A LOT OF ISSUES I KNOW I CAUSED IF NOT CAUSED I MADE THEM WORST REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE WENT THROUGH MY DAUGHTER SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PUT IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE I KNOW HE LOVES HER HIM AND HIS FAMILY REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH I CANT STAND THEM THEY ARE STILL HER FAMILY AND I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING AWAY MORE FROM HER THAN ACTUALLY PROTECTING HER…THEN I'M MAD AT MYSELF FOR ALLOWING MYSELF TO LET MY MOM HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER MY ACTIONS AND MY EMOTIONS MOMS GIVE ADVICE YES BUT I SHOULD NOT DO EVERYTHING THE WAY SHE WANTS ME TO BUT I GUESS THAT TIES INTO THE FACT THE I FEEL I NEED HER AND I'M NOTHING WITHOUT HER WHICH IS WHAT MAKES ME FEAR GOING AGAINST HER BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE ILL BE ALONE OUT HERE WITH NOTHING… I HAVE HAD JOBS BUT I'VE ALWAYS HAD TO GIVE MY MOM MONEY FOR BILLS OR JUST MONEY I OWED HER SO I NEVER REALLY SEEN MY MONEY SO I NEVER COULD ENJOY IT SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE MY OWN MONEY AND BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT SO AUTOMATICALLY WHEN I SEE SOMEONE WHO HAS MONEY I ENVY THEM AND FEEL THEY ARE BETTER THAN ME AND I START DOWNING MYSELF SAYING THAT I'M NOT DOING NOTHING WITH MYSELF COMPARING MY LIFE TO THEIRS ESPECIALLY IF ITS SOMEONE WHO I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH AND I KNOW WE THE SAME AGE….IT BOTHERS ME..I TRY TO SMILE AND BE HAPPY BUT WHEN REALITY HITS I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE GIRL STILL BEING TAKEN CARE OF AND I REALIZE THAT’S WHY I GET NO RESPECT FROM PEOPLE THEY FEEL LIKE THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO ME AND THEY TAKE ME FOR A JOKE….MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW HAVE THEIR OWN PLACE EVEN MY BEST FRIEND IS A NURSE , MARRIED, AND HAVE HER OWN HOUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M LEFT BEHIND I HAVE BEEN AWAY FROM MY MOMS HOUSE BUT NEVER THE RIGHT WAY NEVER BECAUSE I HAD A JOB WENT OUT AND FOUND A PLACE AND MADE IT I LEFT ALWAYS ON BAD CONDITIONS. I LOVE GOD BUT I THINK THAT ALL OF THIS IS WHAT STANDS IN THE WAY OF ME HAVING FAITH IN HIM BECAUSE THESE THINGS ARE ALL I THINK ABOUT…..
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

Ok first of all u need 2 get a job sweetie...... Then no matter what u do u need 2 make it about ur daughter.... U feel like n unfit parent n no disreapect but u should bcuz..... If u not n school u need go back, take up a tread n get a job.... N ur mom didnt have ur kid so she shouldnt have 2 take of her..... N please dont take this the wrong way bcuz im not a bad person but u need to grow up bcuz if not ur baby father goin take ur daughter away from u..... N he can do it.....