I've Got To Be Me!

For once in my life, I would like to bare every part of myself, even the quirky, bizarre, messed-up, dark little places of my inner universe, and have it be appreciated. I'm getting out of a marriage in which I've basically been forced to live life as half of myself. He didn't want all of me, he only wanted what he thought I was. I know that I can be difficult and a little strange at times, but usually there is some form of method to my madness. He said that he needed to write a dissertation just to have a conversation with me and that trying to argue with me was impossible. Well, I'm sorry that I value logic and solid arguments. I just need to be free to be myself and to have a man who can handle it. I have yet to meet him.

sparkledust sparkledust
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 7, 2010

You will.

Most people marry just so they won't be alone. To be alone in our society is a. heretical, b. a result of mommy or daddy issues, emotiional stunting, a disalighnment with our source and what we express as our personality, control issues, and whatever else you would like to add as a result in living in a western christian consuemer society. I married for that reason, got divorce because she wanted to be a ******** and hooker for awhile, made more money. Single parent whose son died at 24, and family all died 2 years or so before that. Then I was alone for three years. With a mattress, and clothes and a slum apt.. On the streets for a year before that. But you know, after discovering that I had no responsibilities, no money, no car, no "things" and only me, I began to see that I was a part of a whole which I couldn't see. A Zen thing. 6 years and now I know that alone does not equal loneliness, and that I am falling in love with an old friend who matters not if she returns it. Yet. :-') Have a story in the incurable romantic section, might offer hope. The lesson came after the divorce, and the one in the story is not the one I just mentioned. Carlos Castenada said "Any path is one of a million, and we shouldn't follow any path unless it has heart." My paraphrase from here.... How do they know if it has heart? Anybody would know that if asked of themselves, waited quietly for the answer and felt for it. Back to Carlos " -- nobody asks"<br />
Pooh "“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

The problem with being the faster horse is that you end up running ahead, alone, often. To balance the desire to be free from loneliness with the desire to be free... it's a task that might take a lifetime, huh?

This is true. "While there's life, there's hope." :)