Upset, Lonely. My Fault

My grandad had a stroke. The night before I saw him he had a fever, was sweating. I just thought he was I'll. It wasn't until it was too late that I thought back and realised his words were slurred and his face had dropped a little on one side...I realised too late. I should have realised and helped him. He probably hated me. He went into a care home and I saw him regularly and he improved a lot. But then I started seeing him less and less because my parents work all the time and I wasn't old enough to see him on my own. If I had helped he would of been ok. This year he had another stroke and had pneumonia and he didn't make it. I would give anything for him to be back. I would rather he be here and me not. It is my fault after all. I feel empty or lonely. I deserve to be, I just wish I had helped or took more notice. I might as well be an empty shell. Nobody take notice of this, just wanted to vent, not that it's helped much. I can't talk to anybody they would hate me if they realised that I could of done something, not even my friends can help but I don't feel I can physically talk about this. We are learning about strokes at A-level and every lesson I feel like crying and getting away from it all. I can't forgive myself for not doing anything.
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Sep 11, 2012