Finding Out My Marriage Was A Lie

I've been married 21 years.  The last several years especially have been really great, or so I thought.  Four weeks ago, my eighteen year old daughter broke down and told me that when she was sixteen she went downstairs to her dad's desk to get a cd.  When she put it in her computer, she could not believe what she was seeing - her aunt was on our toilet, unknowingly being taped.  She took out the cd and broke it and threw it away.  Then she went upstairs into the bathroom and looked in the vent, and there it was - a little videocamera set up to watch people in the bathroom.  She had been keeping this to herself for soo long, and finally it was too much and she told me.  First of all, for her to have to go through this on her own just about killed me.  Then, I confronted him, and he was so apologetic, this was the only bad thing he has ever done, and he got rid of it YEARS ago, and had hoped to put that period of his life when he was messed up behind him.  Well, I immediately got on the ball and rented an apartment and moved myself and my daughter out.  He says he was infatuated wtih my sister for some reason, but not any more.  Well, if that is the case, that's bad enough.  But he has betrayed EVERYONE's trust.  Also, neither me or my daughter fully believe that this is the only time or the only thing he has done.  We can't trust him. My daughter has had her trust in her father of all people destroyed.  He watched her peeing!  He says he didn't watch anyone but my sister but.....My daughter and I talked, and we did agree that we should share this information with my two sons, who are grown and out of the house.  But everyone else thinks we are just having marital problems.  It is killing me having everyone think that I am just on a whim packing up my life and changing it.  I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
sherrilynn2010 sherrilynn2010
3 Responses Oct 8, 2010

That's so hard, I'm really sorry! I think you've done the right thing getting yourself and your daughter out of the house and into safety.
As for abandoning your marriage, if leaving it completely is what you want to do then do it! Don't listen to anyone's "advice" or pressure and don't feel like you "owe" him another chance. On the other hand, if you don't feel completely detached, I see nothing wrong with making sure he gets help and trying to move through this with your family. Sometimes these things come right, and you see these families 5 years later and you never would've thought. Stay strong :)

Thanks, Hornyman. I'm googling for SA now. I appreciate your comment.

You should try to get him into a 12-step program, such as Sexaholics Anonymous, to help him deal with his problems. If he had the one incident, he's likely had others... perhaps not hidden cameras, but other sexual things. This can be an addiction, much like Alcoholism, and he needs help and a support group, probably therapy as well, to get through this... but only if he is willing... if he is unwilling, then leaving him is likely your only choice. Look up SA, and the related codependent's group, and learn more about it.