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Is This How My 10 Years Relationship End?

thanks for reading my story.

as i'm typing it right now, I'd like to get all my story and feeling out since i'm very sad, confused, and regret.
I am in a 10 years relationship, i'm not sure its over now or what but we decide to take a break and i'm staying with my sister now.

I met him from ICQ, was 10 years ago.
at that time, I just got dump by my bf because I move from my country to canada and few other reasons, i guess..
one day, i was on ICQ and he just pop me a msg without saying hello or anything, but only a link.
so i replied, what was it and it was a link of his music site. right away i hooked on it. his music was very good and site is simply and beautiful.
so we start chat and decided to meet 2 days after. he was just finished his last relationship 6 months ago.
so we meet and ate, then we had sex. i'd like to see him more and he agree, i thought we are going out together in a way
. but he kept telling me that he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship yet, he still miss very much his ex.
and i didn't understand..... so in first month, i still look around on icq and told couple guys about his story and i got very **** off so i went on to look for sex. and i did one time oral sex with a stranger, never saw that guy again.
that was only one time and later on me and my bf get along well so we decide to move together.
it was about 4 month we know each other.
once we move in to the apt, he found out that my iCQ chat history.. and got very again, I told him that i had one time oral sex with somebody.
of coz he went very mad and kinda destory some of my stuff. but he was stuck cause he doesn't have money to live alone or kick me out.
he needs somebody to help for the rent and since we just move in, I guess he kinda let it go since he has no choice in a way.
but since then, he said to me, he will never kiss me or touch my "spot" because he thinks I slept with many guys.
but we went on...it was kinda got earsed somehow but he still pops doubt sometime.

after 4 years, we really had good time together.
I really love him, I show me some many things, i feel i can see the whole world. in our 4th or 5th year, I got kick out by canadain gov. due of expire visa
. i think at that time, it was our golden year, we really love each other.
i remember how paintful it was when i had to go, and i cried almost everyday because we have been apart.
so i tried apply visa to come back and got deny by the embassy, many travel agency told me that i shouldn't mention i have a bf here because they will think i will try to stay here.

he thought i didn't want to come back, he thought i wasn't trying hard enough to get the visa.
time pass by, he told me maybe i don't go back to him, later he claim that was a way to encourage me
. i didn't feel that way, my family wanted me to stay in my country, no one understand how much i want to go back to him, except my friends.

however, in 8 months of time, i had chance to meet another guy in person. he gave me attention and listen to me, and i listen his love story as well.
i guess we both need something missing so we start had emotional affair, we had cyber-sex and phone sex.
but i only met him once and kiss him. he wanted to get in my car but i refused.
of coz, my bf found out very soon and i show him everything about me and this guy, emails, sex-fatasy stories.

sure he got very mad again, i told him that i felt he didn't want me to come back and its at this point he said that was a way to encourage me.
we talked and agree that i will go back to him. but this time, i apply the visa as i think how it will work, surely i got the visa and return to canada.
we had trouble at beginning, but soon we were back as before. happy and enjoy life together. when i come back, he started being very sick.
I take care of him, no matter what he was unpaitience or what.
he had very serious health problem, he would told me sometime that it was my fault to make him sick.
sometime yell at me, even hit my head like baseketball. I was pretty violent too, i guess..
didn't work out so well at that period of time, its about a year or 2. sometime i thought about leaving him, since he told me it was my fault to make him sick. also it was hard to take care of him. but i always choose to stay in the end, i just can't let him go........

in 2008, he bought me a 1st digital camera, i always like to take photos so i become very addict to taking photos.
and always on flickr all the time. around this time, he started working in big company, he didn't work for at least 1 or 2 years, it was always me to deal the household, he lived on social assistance.

he started have some saving and think i should get a better job, at that time i work in a cleaner.
but i am able to do good work on graphic design but didn't really search for it for a long time due of immigration status
. I of coz applied couple jobs, but never had answer. in 2009, he started compliant that i don't work enough,didnt bring enough money to home. because it was him to paid the full rent, since he had that job.

he didnt like to fact i took too many photos and addict to it, he also complian that i dont clean house good enough and not cooking enough.
i have to admit, its true i loose it at that time. in summer 2009, we met this guy in the bar we went all the time, he is an illustrator as well.
i show him my work and he likes a lot, i kinda fall in it. my bf likes my work but he will never say its really good or something coz he thinks there is always big improving space. so i started chat with this guy on facebook, and slowly i fall in love with him.
my bf didn't know it at all about im chatting with this guy, its this guy started avoid to talk to my bf, and he found out there is something wrong.
so i told him, i kiss this guy in the new year eve, my bf was just there as well but didn't see it.
my bf sure got very sad, i told him that he didnt give me enough attention so i need it somewhere else.
he was really sad, he thinks he destoryed my life. of coz i was really sad too, i never think about lose him....... but he gave me another chance to stay with me, and we were somehow recovered.

but couple months later, there was this guy, he is also friend of us.
one night, he was very drunk and he tried to kiss me. i always think this guy was a bit like my brother since he is much older as well.
i don't know why, right away i feel something for him. even i stop him to kiss me.
i started had little crush on him during the late spring, then stop it during the summer.
although i emails him twice about going see photoshows, we went for lunch once but i told my bf after.

in early autome, i saw him couple times randomly.he kept asking me show him my photos and he wanted to help me to choose photo for my exhibition. so i emailed him more often in that period. one day in the early morning, he called to my job and asked me stop emailling him and stop trying coz his wife can read them, i felt bad in the phone
. but when i hang up, i really have some many question marks all over my head.
i got angry at him, cause i dont see why he is giving me **** like that, it was him ask me to email him and so on.
so we didnt talk at least for 2 months, in Nov, we met again, i saw his face feel sorry and forgive him somehow.
after that, i only called him once to take after work beer, and he insisted to see my 1st print. i email 2 times to him in Dec, cause was his birthday.


last month, me and my bf went to a gf's house and get drunk so we had 3 some.
he told me 3 days after that he had crush on this girl, because how she kissed him. so he started ask me questions, he really think i had sex with that guy last year, then later he found out i had crush on this married guy.

now his heart is all broken.................................

sorry my story is really long.
becan becan 31-35, F 3 Responses Feb 17, 2011

Your Response

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I think you are better off just having friends...friends with benefits.....

Hi,<br />
<br />
If you really want to keep this man, since your heart is broken, you going to have to work very hard and be honest through the smallest details for him to understand and trust you again.<br />
<br />
I had a very similar story with my husband, and now were happy together as never before. I had to work hard on myself but it really worth it believe me. Do not be too hard on yourself, just be honest about it all, we all do mistake in life. I admit this is a pretty bad one, its your love life that is at stake after all.

Its a pretty sad story indeed, for him more than you, do not forget this!<br />
<br />
Please consider yourself very lucky you had such a patient husband. I made the sames mistake a couples of time when in my 20's, but none of my boyfriends gave me a second chance. I now have grown-up and understand why they didn't, I got cheated once after these and i felt so bad inside i could not stand it, i became always suspicious, i had to leave him for my own good.<br />
<br />
It is normal he now have a crush on this girl, maybe he is trying to escape from you, don't get mad at him, it's a normal impulse he have, i did feel the same when i got cheated.<br />
<br />
By the way, put yourself into his shoes, it is not only emotional cheating that happened in your story, you had oral sex, kisses and a couple of loves. Your story is a bit misleading.<br />
<br />
Good luck<br />
<br />
Patsy