My Past Mistakes Have Ruined My Future

I am a single good-looking and intelligent woman. However every man I have ever loved has left me, the ones I love the most always leave in the worst way. I never knew why until a year ago i met a man who I knew from my school days. He was so beautiful even back then and what I saw in front of me was a true vision for a very lonely woman. When i look back now there were so many warning signs from day one as to why we should never have gotten involved with each other but it seemed the physical attraction was too much for both of us and we got involved. I fell head over heels for him but he told me he loved me first, we didn't have sex 24/7 but when we did it was the best lovemaking i had ever experienced. I got pregnant very quickly by accident although subconciously i think i allowed it to happen because i loved him. I lost my baby very early on and within weeks i began to notice a change in my once loving partner.
He asked me something one day and i couldn't deny it as out of love i felt that i shouldn't lie to this wonderful man. We got into a huge argument and he forced me to tell him things about myself that I have never told anyone. He then dumped me as he felt i had tricked him into loving a false image someone that i wasn't now he had this new knowledge. I did what most women would do and went into a severe depression and denial i begged and begged for him not to leave and he tried to stay until what we once had turned into a smutty leg over once a month. I cried to God, i cried to him, i cried to myself for things to change i tried to be the best girl i could until i made the decision to leave him alone. I sent him an e-mail saying how i felt and left it with him whilst making the decision to stop explaining my self telling him where i was, who i was speaking to, what i was doing etc questions he would ask in almost every conversation. He would accuse me every time he couldn't get through to me on my phone of being unfaithful and i'd had enough because he wasn't claiming me as his woman, but he was expecting me to act as if i was. He would throw my past in my face and disrespect me even though i have changed in such a big way. So when i was unable to have my phone on and i was unwilling to explain why or where i was he accused me of sleeping with someone else, he said such spiteful things to me and basically mocked our whole relationship which was once a beautiful thing. I am by nature a stubborn person and when i make up my mind i stick to it and although what I was doing was really trivial and nothing even close to sleeping with someone else i refused to explain myself to him. Now he has used this as an excuse for us to never be together and the truth is the relationship was so poisonous to us both we should be apart, yet i still love him. I'm so close to just drawing the curtains on my life because i know without him i can't be alive, he was my life. I really loved him, he never loved me and i see that now. i just hate that he's used my promiscuous past against me and tried and convicted me with no evidence. I have been treated badly by men and i thought he was different I wish i knew what i was doing wrong, i just think that the things i have done are so bad that i will never be worthy of having someone love me and claim me.
AbusedHeart33 AbusedHeart33
31-35, F
Sep 23, 2012