So Angry Today...

So much for a good day. I have decided to keep some sort of written evidence to show that I am not overthinking stupid crap anymore. His attitude towards me is getting out of hand and I can't take it any longer but I can't see myself walking away. I hate myself for not being able to make a final decision. Instead, yes I do feel trapped. Because I love him and want to stay but I know that he does not treat me right and he has never treated me right since the day we met. I'm sick and I feel mentally unstable and I don't have anyone to run to anymore because I keep hearing the same thing that I need to leave. I don't want to ******* leave, I wan't him to change and admit that he is wrong and actually try for me instead of saying he does. If he did I wouldn't constantly feel unhappy. But he doesn't see it that way. He just thinks it's okay for him to just call it quits. How the **** does he expect me to keep him happy if he can't even keep me happy. I'm so sick of it.
He is always sweet when we first wake up. He rolls over towards me and puts his arm around me and rubs my stomach. It just seemed if we just spent the rest of our lives sleeping, we would be the happiest couple alive. We get up and what is one of the first things he does? Goes to watch Clark who is in the living room play Black Ops zombies. In the meantime I make him coffee because he asks me to. And I don't make coffee the easy way because the stupid coffee maker decided to break so I literally have to slave over the stove to make him coffee. I really hate it and it's a waste of time but I do it because he asks me to. I'm not mad at this point though. And as I told myself yesterday, I began to clean up and do laundry. Then Toro decides that he wants to join in on the fun and gets on his xbox as well. This lasts for pretty much a good 2 hours until Meagan gets home. We of course didn't wake up til nearly 2pm. Then as I'm done cleaning and Clark is off the xbox getting himself ready and Toro is still on the xbox, I go online and check my bank accounts to find I am in terrible overdraft. He comes in every now and then and enthuses to Clark about going to Florida this weekend. We are broke. No, literally we are broke. But Toro isn't going out of his way to get to Florida, he is hitching a ride with his family. The other day when he brought it up to me the first time, he says this "I'm thinking about going to Florida this weekend if Robert decides not to go". And I'm sorry, my mind process thinks the way that we were taught in school with literal meaning. I means me and We means us. There was no we in that sentence. And when I said "You're going to Florida?" he then says "You know what I mean, you too." And as sweet as that sounds, he had innocent intentions but am I supposed to just know that he meant that? I guess I could but I was taught literal meaning of the term "I" am doing anything. So I tell him really, because of our financial situation and him wanting to give them gas money when we get paid just really makes me feel uncomfortable. I never said he can't go. I never said that. So he waits for the phone call from his uncle to find out if he is gonna go or not. Finally he asks if I wanted to go to Petco to get a sucker fish once Clark left and I was all for it. But by the time that we were getting ready, Toro begins talking on the phone with his family for a good half hour. Clark and Meagan are about to head out themselves. Once they leave, he gets the call that he is able to go to Florida. So he gets off the phone and says "I'm going to Florida". I'm sorry, I forgot that I was your girlfriend for a second. I don't remember in your little fine lines that we ever tell each other what we're going to do. The last time I tried and tell you what I was going to do, you got pissed off at me. Remember when I was in Virginia and I had planned but I wasn't sure how it was going to play out that my best friend Abigail was going to come over and I was going to share the wine that MY mom bought ME for Christmas? As soon as I said that you said "No you're not". Um… excuse me.. Ha who are you to tell me what I can and can not do again? As you so rudely tell me? Hmm… that sounds pretty ******* fair don't you think? And even then you got all pissy and we had a huge stupid fight because all you wanted was to know that I shouldn't plan anything and that I should have talked to you about it before I planned anything. That's how you're brain works when it comes to me but here you come strolling along telling me what you're going to do? Look I don't give a **** that you're going to Florida. I really don't because I know you want to go with your family. My point is you're a ******* hypocrite for telling me one thing and doing it your damn self. So yes I did get a little upset. And then Toro and I get into a stupid little fight. Because then I find it is the perfect opportunity to voice how I have been feeling lately. I am not happy. Not at all, I don't feel like there is any sort of purpose in this relationship anymore and he isn't changing anything about it but I am trying my best to. But when I even say what's on my mind, this is the ******* attitude I get, "It doesn't matter what the **** I do, you're always going to find something wrong". As a boyfriend what the **** kind of attitude is that. How the **** do you expect me to respond to that when already I am feeling like you aren't willing to put forth the effort I need in this relationship. All you're FUKCING doing is verifying that dreadful feeling inside of me and I can't stand it. How ******* hard is it to listen to how I hate when you don't give me any affection and when I try to give it to you, you ******* push me off you which ****** me THE **** off and maybe take into consideration that 'maybe I should give her a hug and tell her I am sorry' and maybe explain to me that you're not really affectionate but if that is really what I want which by the way is what I ******* want then you should try that. Hmmm.. But no you ******* sit there telling me that you're not going to do **** I want because no matter what I am not going to be happy. You're ******* stupid. It's simple. And I've been being so nice to you and trying not to **** you the **** off lately. I can't ******* keep you happy when I'm not ******* happy with you. I hate, absolutely, HATE that you don't kiss me. You peck me on the lips maybe once a day but that's it. You "try" to make out with me when you want sex because you know that turns me on which it does a lot. All you want is ******* head and I think it's gross. But since I've been home I've been sucking your **** like never before and deep throating. Remember how you said that I don't suck your **** enough and maybe we would try to be fair and you would make out with me as long as I sucked your ****. Well ******* make out with me all year long for how understanding I've been to that talk. I hate how you talk to me. I hate how I ask you a question and you look at me with some stupid pissed off look and don't even answer the question. Of course I'm gonna ******* ask it again! I didn't get a ******* answer. Like just now, and the reason I am yet again very ******* pissed off I asked you if the surround system was hooked up to the tv. You're response "There's a dvd in it and it's playing. It's hooked up." And I explained what I meant about how when I turned the cable on and the dvd player on that the surround sound wasn't working with it you just gave me this ******* look and didn't answer me for 2 minutes until you said you would do it. You're a ******* *******. You didn't even say sorry for going off on me when you realized what a ******* *** you were because you didn't understand my question before punking off like you did. You're an insensitive bastard and you won't admit it or try to make up for it. And you play it off like nothing's happened and "why are you mad" and stupid ****. It's simple. So ******* simple to make me feel better. I am the type of girl that you can kiss me on the mouth, look at me and say you're sorry and you love me and give me an actual hug and not the **** you try to pull off as a hug and I will be your sex slave if you wanted. But no, it's so ******* hard for you to do that you even tell me you refuse to do that. What kind of man refuses and tells his woman that he will not come home and bring her flowers and surprise her with a small gesture. What kind of **** is that. The way you think is completely crooked. You think that if you yell at me and be rude to me the way you are, that that is the only way to make me understand. Well guess what, I'm not you're ******* child and you don't talk to your significant other that way. I don't give a **** what the hell you're trying to prove. Remember who the **** takes care of your lazy ***. I'm sooooo ******* angry, and you don't know how to make me happy anymore and you refuse to calm me down. You're an *******. But I'm a *****, a sorry pathetic ***** because all I'm going to do is write about it. I won't ever tell you **** because I am scared of being hurt by your rude behavior. I hate the feeling I get by actually being honest with you. I can't talk to you. You don't know how to talk to me. What the **** are we doing? I really do hate myself. I really do. You make me feel like ****. Because as soon as you read this, I will be just a terrible girlfriend who apparently doesn't respect you or appreciate you. And yet I suck your ****, you and I ****, we bathe together every day, I cook for you, I clean up after you. Then again I guess I'm like you're best friend with benefits/maid.
Jagerbom6 Jagerbom6
18-21, F
Jan 23, 2013