Can't Remember Ever Really Feeling Well

I can't go into the precise mechanics of the source of these feelings--I would just assume keep that private--but let it suffice to say that I have never related well to most people, and didn't become what could be termed "reasonably competent" in expressing myself to them until I got to college (I'm an eighteen-and-a-half-year-old first-year student), and for as long as I can remember I've paid the price for it in personal comfort, self-esteem (yes, I know it sounds whiny, but it gives you an idea of what this was doing to me) and up until age sixteen my attitude towards people in general. (If you want to just hear about what I feel like I need now, please just skip the following paragraph.)

With the exceptions of close friends and people out there that I know have had similar experience with (pardon the cliche) society in general, I've always felt like the one sitting some distance from the fireplace who was always cold, then shivering, and eventually getting sick from it (possibly in the form of cyclothymia). My mother would always go on about how she was just trying to understand me, but seeing as she failed miserably in adjusting her perceptions when she needed to and kept engaging in the most ridiculous strategies to provoke a response out of me, she was little better than her good intentions. By the time I was twelve I avoided her as much as I could and what she perceived as her actions to satisfy her desire for communication but what were actually her psychological torment of me escalated accordingly.  My perennial sense of unease about how being different affected my "net worth" as a productive human being blossomed into depression at this time and from that point onward, I admit,  this could make me very selfish, egotistical and nasty towards others. After unexpectedly hitting a nadir in this respect at just fourteen, social anxiety combined with the feelings of worthlessness pretty much took over, but thanks to the music that's sustained me for quite some time as well as my religion I've managed them decently for about three years.

All the same, though, I realize that I really do need someone to love and to love me. True, I want to sustain someone with the love I have to offer them, but I also need some love myself. I still get sick on and off now: sometimes I just don’t have the energy to stay on task and I have near-catatonic periods of several minutes, while at other times I barely have enough energy to even rise from bed. That being said, I feel that having someone to keep me "warm" when I shiver, to make me feel like a creature of worth and to help me feel safe when I need to is what I really need keep out of that hole.

CatDevotee CatDevotee
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 8, 2010

Thank you! <br />
<br />
I know it sounds mushy, thinking that love will just magically "fix" someone, but here's the thing: I have felt that way about someone before, and whenever I was near them I always felt better even though they never have and never will return those feelings (though he is still a very good friend of mine and his decision to (quite rightly at the time, I might add) dismiss me for a incompetent nut was what triggered my snap at 14). So I feel like a big part of the problem is not feeling competent enough to serve others, and maybe somehow building that kind of relationship with someone might give me a "worthy function" of sorts (to give more than receive). I don't ever expect unconditional love, but you *do* have a good point that what I consider sometimes is probably a fantasy.

It seems that you have issues that will not go away. Have you tried getting help in order to understand whats going on. Maybe then you could find a way to deal with it. I am the last person that should be offering advise. My wife suffered from depression, and I couldnt deal with it. I think a lot of people have difficulty dealing with people that have mental issues, especially those that are closest to you, possibly what has caused the rift between you and your mother. My wife left me and Im sure that these difficulties had a lot to do with it. If you can find peace within yourself and manage to control these problems Im sure you will find that someone to love and be loved. Thinking you can be yourself as you are now and find that someone special who will love you unconditionally is proberly a fantasy. But there are options, and I believe if you can explore the help that is required soon you will have your wish. Maybe I should not be offering advise on this issue, Im no doctor or aanything like that, but however I wish you all the best in your endeavors.