I Only Wanted To Know Unconditional Love......
First of all let me be clear that i did not write this to feel sorry for myself or seek pity, i just dont have anyone to talk to so i wanted to just get some of my story off my chest....
one thing i learned very young is that not all parents are huggy, kissy, lovey by nature, i wish they were because overall i think if i had started with love from family my life would have been so much different ..... better...
i learned that people only seem to be happy with you when you have sucess or give what they want, so like any stupid kids i did it, i worked hard and never putting others first just to feel a bit of what i thought was affection and appreciation, and as what typically happens i grew up still unknowingly searching for unconditional love, started having sex a bit too early which became a temporary fix for effection. but overall nothing ever lasted i never seemed to meet anyone who didnt want something, i was sucessful in work, and helped soooo many people, i alwys just figured one day love will find me it has to right?
my sister was always blessed in that department she married a loving man who's family invited her in with open arms, i was so happy for her, he sadly passed and then she remarried into another family that embraced her..... she is loveble..... and i am happy for her.
Unconditional Love......well i thought it finally did he was best friend first then my lover then my love.... he told me he was proud of me and loved me so much and didnt want anything but love from me, i couldnt believe it, Thank God LOVE!!!
well the economy fell and the truth really sucks no one who you help remember to give you a listening ear as you did for them, i never asked for money only a kind soul, i still helped others in need even when i was struggling financially, at first i thought it would be fine then one day i was looking in his eyes and saw ..nothing no light no happiness no LOVE it was soo quick, i didnt do anything different and never asked for anything i took care of myself, then he stopping coming home and just like everyone when the money is gone .... he turned his back ... dispite the lack of love from family and previous people, his hurt the worst, it was the only time i let my guard down and thought i could be normal and loveable....
now i have a good job, but my old job has brought up some legal issues and my health is slowly failing, probably becasue i just dont have the will to feel good anymore, but i do not have insurance or money to get it right now so i make the best of it.
I put on a smile for everyone always as if nothing is wrong, i know that i am no ones problem or responsibility, and i cry on Gods shoulder when i am alone.
overall i dont know whats going to happen to me, but i will continue to smile act as if nothing is wrong and pray that unconditional loe finds me
before i run out of time, right now i live alone, eat alone, watch tv alone, sleep alone, praying that i am invited to a holiday to at least feel like i am part of a family, i never ask or try to invite myself thats far to humiliating, i know i could spend my nights with someone but i dont just want sex, i want love , i would be so good to the one who would love me he has to be out there somewhere.
ok going to bed now i thank you so much for reading the brief part of my story and i m very sleepy so i hope it makes sense to you :)
may God Bless you