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36 Years Later

     I met my husband 36 years ago in April.  We dated for about 5 months and I found out I was pregnant with our first child.  Two months later I was married with a baby on the way and a husband I thought loved me.  I was only 17 at the time and he was my only serious relationship, so I really didn't know what love was at that time.  I slowly began to realize all I was to him was something to show off to his friends to make them jealous and someone to have sex with on a regular basis without having to go look for it.  I also soon learned he was an alcholic and he would not talk about it because he didn't have a problem.  Only this problem he didn't have affected me a lot.  He physically abused me everytime he got drunk. 
     Now he has health issues that make sex impossible for him and I have done a lot of thinking, I now know that he never really loved me.  He just needed me.  He won't even touch me anymore.  I am still the same loving and caring person I was when we got married.  I have loved my husband through all these years and still do but the love is not returned.  It is killing me inside.  He won't touch me, hold me, kiss me and even just give me a quick hug.  I feel so alone and unhappy.
     I hope to someday find a man who will love me with all his heart and make me feel so alive again.  Someone who would enjoy doing things with me.  I have missed out on soo much in my life already and I would love to do some things before I get too old to enjoy them.  I am pretty simple and should be very easy for any man to please.  I have never lived in a fancy  house, or driven fancy cars, never had expensive jewlery, never even been to a fancy restaurant.  Of course I don't need any of these to prove that I am loved.  I just need someone who will talk to me like I am a human being, in a civil voice and paying attention to me and not the TV.  I am soo tired of being yelled at and ignored.  I want someone who would enjoy just spending time holding and hugging me.  I would love to have someone who would enjoy kissing me and of course, making love to me.  He could be the poorest person in the world, as long as he could love me and treat me like I am human. 
     I don't ask for much,  I just need for him to make me his entire world.  I want to find someone who will love me for who I am.  I need to regain my self esteen and self confidence again.  I lost those several years ago and would so love to have them back.  So my Knight In Shining Armor will be someone who can simply take care of my basic needs and in return he will be treated like a King.  My KING!!!!!
teri58 teri58 51-55, F 5 Responses Oct 23, 2011

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Teri: I have to say that Life is not so black and white. Maybe he did loved you but he is suffering from a disease. Would it have been different for you if he was suffering from for example manic depression? Nevertheless you my dear are not getting why you need as a woman and person. Love kindness and understanding. If this is a unrepairable relationship then Life is way to short to be miserable. We all have our crosses to bear. My suggestion is do the right thing if you are going to end it. I do not suggest cheating on him so you can get what you are missing. Be a big girl and do the right thing before looking.....good luck

LADY, PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT ANY OF MY COMMENT IS INTENDED ON HURTING YOU IN ANY WAY. YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD, AND ONLY WHEN YOU ELEVATE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF TO THE LEVEL OF GOD'S THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND YOU DEMAND RESPECT AND LEARN TO COMMAND IT, WILL YOU RECEIVE IT. THE WORDS MAY APPEAR TOUGH, BUT YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND CLAIM THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I REALLY HOPE YOU DO, AND I DO NOT MEAN TO BE RUDE OR ABUSIVE TO YOU IN ANY WAY. I AM RESPONDING ba<x>sed ON WHAT YOU HAVE SUBMITTED ABOVE. <br />
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I thought at first that your story was some kind of joke. What is love to you? What is it exactly that you love about your husband? and why do you still "love" him? why would you want someone to make you their entire life? If you don't ask for much in life, that is exactly what you will get, and obviously you are already getting it. If you loved yourself you would never put up with the sort of treatment you describe here so well. If you do not love yourself, how could anyone else possibly love you? Ever think that what we feel about ourselves is mirrored back to us by those around us? Clue into what you are experiencing. If this guy can no longer perform then don't you think he is feeling insecure? and taking it out on you? are you a welcome mat? Have you ever tried to speak to him the way he speaks to you? what do you have to lose? this guy very clearly does not love you, as you so eloquently put it. he's no catch. do you work? if so, and you are not totally financially dependent on him, then find the nearest door and leave. that would be the most loving thing you could possibly do for yourself in this century. i have no idea what kind of person you think you will attract next if the pitiful existence you speak of here is your only relationship experience. do you think that you will magically meet Mr. White Stallion Knight Superman and instantly know how to behave in ways that would contribute to a nurturing, loving relationship? that's not at all the way it works. <br />
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you say you want someone to love you for who you are??? Who are you exactly? Fill in the blank with as many words as you possibly can: I AM A WOMAN WHO WOULD _________________. This will tell you exact;u who you really are. Your story here provides quite a number of responses. Ask yourself what kind of man would want a woman who would a) easily accept abuse b) show absolutely no self-love or self-respect c) blindly love a man who clearly despises her d) not make the slightest attempt to defend herself e) settle for not having her sexual needs met f) accept being ignore in favor of the TV g) put up with being yelled at. <br />
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walk out today. get help. therapy. if you cannot afford therapy, then Google your way to some self-respect. find out all that you can about how to attract love. every source you connect with will tell you that it begins within yourself, with the way that you feel about yourself. what you get is what you think you deserve is what you expect. you cannot honestly think that you will waltz out of the above-mentioned relationship and instantly know what to do/how to be with another person in anything other than an identical fiasco. <br />
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I hope that you do not think that I am hating on you. You need to be told the truth. You need to wake up, face the music, smell the coffee. It is an example such as this one that reinforces mens' ideas that they can mistreat poor, helpless, stick with you no matter what you do to me women like yourself. Who exactly do you think would put up with half of that crap from you? who would want to? Do you believe that there is a special place in heaven for martyrs? who stole your self-esteem from you before you met this guy? do you think it is noble to return love to someone who abuses you? where is your reward hiding, exactly? <br />
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I hope reading this will wake you up. i hope you bolt. I hope you go in the bathroom, stare in the mirror, put your arms around your own self and say, "I forgive you for allowing someone to treat you that way." Then kiss yourself on the arm or shoulder. Do not try to hold back the tears. Cry. Pat your own back, saying "It's alright, I will take care of you. I will never leave you. I will always love you." Kiss yourself again. Continue to hug yourself. I bet you 5 million dollars that after that you would not be inclined to have anyone treat you badly ever again, for your soul will have had a taste of love for once in your life. You will have finally met one of your basic needs by yourself. If you cannot provide love for yourself, no one will ever be able to. Google this. read up on it to understand why and how that is. Additionally, your children need to see you stick up for yourself so that they will know how. Forgive your husband for his abusive treatment, understanding that his alcohol addiction probably started it, and that his present sexual dysfunction probably now fuels it. the most important person to forgive in all of this is yourself. You will never feel quite the same once you experience love for yourself. You will have really bad days, sure you will, but something very basic in your experience will be forever transformed. You will connect with God, and your vessel will open to truly receive His love. You will receive His guidance if you ask for it. You will sense how to leave this wretched scenario that serves only to deba<x>se you, child of God. It has served as a lesson (in how low we can sink when we do not love ourselves). I'd say from your story that this lesson has been pretty much learned. You are still a very young woman by today's standards. There is nothing you cannot accomplish. You can start again. You can discover what qualities you truly possess deep down inside. You can heal yourself with this knowledge. You can feel good every day, even on difficult days, because you will have your self-respect. There are womens' shelters if you have no money. You might stay with one of your children. You can make it. You were not born to put up with this. It exists to teach you something, but only for as long as you accept it. Further lessons await you, many of which can be learned through joy rather than through pain, humiliation and struggle. Life is what you make it. I hope you choose to make it something good starting right after you read this comment. May God richly bless you. All you have to do is ask and...<br />
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ELEVATE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF TO THE LEVEL OF GOD'S THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU.

Thanks for your comment. You have mad me look at my life differently.

You sounds like a great person! I adore you for your loyalty to your husband during all those years.<br />
It really hurts to read your words, nobody should live like that, everyone deserve to be loved, hugged, touched, being listened to, and like you said - being treated like a human!, this is not too much to ask, and you shouldn't except living without those basic needs. He treated you like nothing all those years while you gave him everything, and now when he is old and sick he expect you to be his nurse and take care of him while you are only getting older while getting nothing from him? NO WAY! you shouldn't accept it! you should start looking for your happiness, you only live once...<br />
Sending you my love and a big hug!

You sounds like a great person! I adore you for your loyalty to your husband during all those years.<br />
It really hurts to read your words, nobody should live like that, everyone deserve to be loved, hugged, touched, being listened to, and like you said - being treated like a human!, this is not too much to ask, and you shouldn't except living without those basic needs. He treated you like nothing all those years while you gave him everything, and now when he is old and sick he expect you to be his nurse and take care of him while you are only getting older while getting nothing from him? NO WAY! you shouldn't accept it! you should start looking for your happiness, you only live once...<br />
Sending you my love and a big hug!

Hi dandi2011! Thank you for your comments. I struggle everyday with the issue of whether I should stay or leave. Then there is the issue of where would I go. I have never lived on my own and the thought scares me. Of course being treated like a slave is killing me from the inside out. I feel I am not loved any more and I have no self esteem or self confidence left. I just want to be happy and I have to figure out how I am going to do that. Thank you for caring!

Hi Teri, this feeling is soul destroying. I only hope you find the man who will fulfil your need to be loved and cherished. I relate all to well to what you go through. <br />
Have you considered starting a new life away from your husband. It's daunting to think about that, but I believe that unless we unload the old baggage, new opportunities for love will be missed. And, I'm the first person who needs to take her own advice. <br />
Love & hugs to you.

I understand what you mean about taking your own advice. I am always giving advise to others out here and yet here I am stuck. I guess I am waiting for that someone special to come along and be my strength tohelp me get through this transition. I think I am afraid of being alone. I was still living at home when I got married, so I have never lived by myself. It scares me. I am glad that we are here to support each other. Since we are going through similiar things we understand each other.