******* For The Man In The Hotel Lobby, Part Two

If I go, would you wait? Would you wonder
Would you know what I’m thinking and why I’m ashamed
Of the girl I am and the stranger that I became
Hold tight to the heart of an angel you’ll never know
‘Cuz her face looks a little like mine
And it keeps you going just knowing I’m here tonight

~ Saving Grace, André Tanneberger (ATB)

I need to ***.  And he needs to make me.  It's as simple as that.  The release afforded by a climax makes the world a better place.  And the act of love, of spending time with another human being who delights and amuses me, is something I crave as much as air.  I realized that about two years ago, after spending too many years in a marriage that had grown less than ideal.  I'd come down with pneumonia and I was stuck in bed for weeks, and I wound up on a sex chat site and discovered what I'd been missing.

I'd been a very sexual creature at university, ******* like a little bunny all the time.  With the same man.  My husband took my virginity - he wasn't my husband at the time, of course, just my boyfriend - and we spent days and nights making love for three years until our wedding day.  We continued the same way for the first few years of marriage.  In retrospect, it was pretty vanilla sex, but I didn't know any different, and I was very content.  Somewhere along the way, though, he grew bored with the same woman day after day.  It happens. 

I'm ashamed, though, that I somehow interpreted his reaction as proof that I was boring.  Undesirable.  Unlovable.  How shortsighted I was to think this.  Even today, there are times I'm ashamed of what I am.  Not often, but every now and again, particularly when I'm with a friend whose marriage is strong and good and she cannot fathom why I would ask for a hall pass, why I would look forward to traveling to spend some time with another man. 

Until she walks a mile in my red high heels, though, I am not going to let her judge me.  Despite such unconventional behaviour, I am a good girl.  After all, my mother is okay with what I'm doing.   I told her, and she approved of my keeping my family together, but seeking love elsewhere.  Who'd a thunk it?  My mother is not exactly a poster child for free love.  But she loves me and she wants me to be happy.

And so it was that earlier this morning, I was online with my lover, ******* for him.  Pleasing him and myself.  It was a sex act.  But it was also an act of love.

Him‬: **** it with that finger
**** it hard lil *****
**** it and play with that ****
hit it
make it wet
harder M

me‬: jesus

‪Him‬: you are such a lil ***** for Me
**** yourself

me‬: o

Him‬: right NOW
me‬: please

Him‬: **** it baby
and ***

me‬: ogr;hawaorfkpdsp
Him‬: all over that finger 

me‬: asdhdgWEPnz

‪Him‬: now my lil ****
*** for Me

me‬: ****
‪Him‬: Just Me
I own your ****

me‬: yes

Him‬: as I always will
*** baby

me‬: o god
o god

Him‬: *** again
all over yourself 
finger it

me‬: unnnnnnhhhhhhhh
Him‬: and ***
me‬: christ
Him‬: just like you need 
J's ****

me‬: yes
yes I am

Him‬: mmmmmmm
such a good lil girl you are

me‬: damn you are good
really good
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
Jan 19, 2013