Even In Laughter The Heart May Be In Pain- Proverbs 14:13

I am your average 28 year old woman. I have two children. I am a student, I am active, I am healthy and I work part-time. I am also extremely lonely. My husband works a lot and is barely ever home. I grew up rough and poor. I lost a sister at the age of 19. I grew up without my biological father as he was always addicted to drugs and women. He is still a **** with no love to give to this very day. I suffered a tragic accident when I was 23 that right my foot and leg severely disfigured. My mom is so focused on what happened to her as a child that she forgets that I was molested by a babysitter she picked from a park, and then again by a family friend. My mom doesn't even know the damage and hurt her children have felt as she can't see passed her own pain. I have learned to be tough, independent and strong through all of this. IRL I am a very optimistic, hard working, dedicated mom. No one would ever know I was online saying and revealing all of this. This is stuff I usually keep hidden in my soul locked away tight and in the dark for noone, not even myself, to see. I am not saying all of this to dwell on the past. just putting all of my baggage/damage out there in the open from the very beginning. Hey, I am anon. and this is the internet, right? Damn, it feels good to spew everything out.

Anyways, I am extremely lonely, and I am a self hurter. I used to cut myself but now I have ugly scars up my arms. I now punch and slap myself to keep the evidence hidden. I am a some what perfect mom to my children and that is what makes me feel good in life. I aim to be perfect because I can't stand myself if I am anything less. Sometimes, I just want to run away, run in the ocean, dance to music, twirl in skirts and tell everyone to **** off.

I am on here so that I can be honest to my core, open like a deep wound, and still, have someone to talk to. Someone that doesn't judge my flaws, someone that doesn't try to "fix" me (I do enough of that myself). I just need someone to listen, to love me, to understand me and to be OK with me.

I just want to feel validated, accepted and appreciated.
Scruz28 Scruz28
1 Response Jul 11, 2010

It is good to talk about your past. You need to tell your story so you won't burst. I know how it feels to be disappointed by your parents. I been through mental and physical abuse, but not sexual. But Abuse is abuse. You can make a choice of being bad or good. Your kids are the important thing to live for and make your life better. You shouldn't abuse yourself because your kids will know. You shouldn't let your past run your life now. Don't make yourself a victim or your parents will win. You can beat all the pain they gave you. You have so far.