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Its Late At Night And My Husband Has Not Come Home

I really need to unload. Its nearly midnight and my husband has not come home from work. No doubt he's out drinking with his mates. A phone call would have been good, but he always says he forgets. We've been together for over 10years now. But I can't take this any more. He regularly comes home late from work, and the nights he finishes early, he will go drinking with mates. I feel its damaging our relationship. I feel resentful of him. I cook dinner, then wait for him to come home to eat with us (we have 2 children). I feel lonely. We don;t connect anymore. we lead seperate lives. I used to cry alot, then filled with anger, now I just feel numb. I don't like the person I've become. I'm constantly yelling at the kids. My husband and I argue alot. We've tried couselling, I've left him twice, I've begged, pleaded, argued. I feel I've tried everything, and I'm running out of ideas. I've talked about divorce, but feel like a failure. I've begged him to just ring me if he's going to be home late, but still he doesn't. He has cheated on me in the past, so I do feel insecure when he doesn't come home on time. He says I don't give him enough freedom and I'm too controlling. I feel he doesn't respect me enough.  Please someone I just need someone to talk to to get me through this night.
somehelpwilldo somehelpwilldo 36-40 82 Responses Dec 23, 2010

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Me and my husband are married for almost 7 yrs now but with no kids.He moved here in my country after a year of our marriage,and in just 3 months of staying here he bluntly cheated on me multiple times, we have fought multiple times and almost got separated then he stopped but not completely,he still justify his action and tells me that "man should be allowed to have girlfriends because of that's how god created them. their body wants them too" i feel so angry,feel sick to my stomach and resentful towards him and still don't know why i keep holding on to our marriage. sometimes i think it is better that we have no kids so it will be easier if we go our own ways.i love him i still do but it is clear now that he have no respect towards me i always tell myself that things will gonna be fine but the truth is the more further we go the more hateful my heart has become. i have so many questions for him but i rather keep them to myself because once i start asking things i know it will start a fight between us like it always do.i feel so alone with nowhere to go or to talk to because my family hate him and now hated me for protecting and standing by him all the time. i feel such a loser for loving a man who will never love me like the way i love him.

I'm experience this for the first time as an adult later in life. (I'm 56 my husband is 52) My husband and I married 9 years ago after a short engagement. We moved away from our past and someplace far away to start fresh lives. He had been through a bad divorce and I lost my soul mate from to a heart attack. Come to find out he has a real problem with drinking. Why ? I don't have the answer to that. But tonight is Dec 19, 2014 His buddies are having a Christmas party playing a round of golf and drinking. I went to work and came home to no one. I've texted him and received a response that said... How about "if" I camp out at the boat club? I asked what does that mean and I've got no response. Sent a second text and thanks for responding. love you. Still nothing. What do ya do ? I'm wondering what this means ? Where are we heading. How will I handle this not coming home thing... and why ?... Why would you not come home ? even drunk... take a cab ? Text me I need a ride. But nothing and not coming home I don't understand and don't know where this is heading. Scared and alone. Can anyone talk me through this ?

My partner right now is having an affair with a married woman with three kids and the same age as he is. We have 3 kids right now... My eldest is just 5years old and my partner is 9 years older than me. He is the only one who make ends meet for our family while I'm taking care of the house and the children.I can't cope up with what he wanted me to be and he don't understand me or even listen to me. He seldom go home right now after work. It really pissed me off all the time that he always told me that he will go home but it never happens. He spend more nights to the other woman. He never texted or call me just to inform that he can't come home. He always told me that he love me but he never stops seeing that woman and giving that woman a day schedule to stay for the night. On the other hand, I am just glad that all his salary is all handed to me. In my case... What should I do to win him back and stop seeing that other woman? Do he really love me or love me just because we have kids.

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hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email of a truth he really helps again his email his

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This is crazy my husband recently lost his job Monday and hasn't been home since I don't know what to do or how to Feel we have two children and I'm 7 months pregnant now with number 3 I'm confused and pissed that he's been out somewhere for two nights and hasn't called or texted me I don't know what to do

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Sounds like a complete knob sorry ! , I know you love him but you deserve better , go out one night make him feel how you have felt , your a beautiful female don't think you can't cope without him or can't do better xxx anita xx love and luck xxx

I thought I was the only one. I am 8 months pregnant, have pre eclampsia and my so called husband for the past 8 months has been going out and lying about where he is. I have had more stories than water stones book store! Friday I went out to see some friends, he promised to stay in after my midwife warned him
About stress, when I got home he wasn't in. No note, call or text. I texted his mate, dad and brother but nothing. He turned up the next morning saying he had a black out and was so scared. The worst thing is I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it as I'd blacken his name! I totally understand how you feel and can offer nothing but say it's not your fault. You deserve more respect and honesty. X

I totally understand and I have no advise but I can relate to you. My husband will find the simplest reason to make an argument so he then justifies him not answering his phone the rest of the day or any texts from me so he can go to his buddy's house an hang out with about 4-5 other guys til midnight and then drives home drunk. I have no control and when I tell him I'd like time with him he tells me that I need to go get my hormones checks because I'm overreacting as he sees that he does no wrong. I said any wife wouldn't put up with her husband treating her that way and I've even tried to get him to see the circumstances if the roles were reversed. He blows everything I say off and yes we fight about this at least once a week. I've raised our children so we are empty nesters but we are 45/49 yrs old and not only is he going through midlife crises he drinks too much

Girl, you are not stuck at home with your babies go out and do the same thing! No reason for you to sit at home wondering where he is when you can be out having fun as well!

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My husband and your husband could be peas in a pod as what your husband does is exactly what mine does, we used to be so close and now I don't even know who we are anymore, we argue every weekend now as on a Friday he finishes work at 3.30 and goes to his friends building next door to his work and I don't see him until the following day when we get up we'll argue and he goes to his friends workplace and spends the day there and again 90% of the time I won't see him again until the Sunday morning when we argue all over again about the same thing all over again, during our arguing he will normally break down in tears, which then makes me feel horrible and we make up and then start it all over again the next weekend, all I want him to do is meet me half way, I've said to him I don't mind him going out with his mates, but how about going out for a couple of hours and a few beers, then coming home and spending the evening together and every weekend is the same.
I've asked him to call or let me know what's going on and he just says he doesn't think about it.
He's even come home got washed and changed and gone out after saying in the mornings he's either coming straight home and said he won't be late but I still never see him until the next day when it all starts all over again and again and again and I too am fast running out of ideas.
My husband and I have been together 15 years this year and married for 10 years in April. My husband is a wonderful, caring, loving husband whom I trust implicitly, I know he just isn't the type of person to cheat on me that has never crossed my mind, as I know he loves me but he just gets carried away talking and drinking with his friends, but I'm now at the point where I'm dreading every weekend.
We used to be so happy together, I wonder where the 2 people who fell head over heels in love have gone, I know people change over time, but like I said I don't even know who we are anymore as we are so far away from the people we were 15 years ago.
Last Friday morning he said he was looking forward to coming home at 3.30 chilling out, going and getting fish and chips from our local chippy and watching TV together, he'd taken my car to work, finished at 3.30 as normal, said he was just popping into to see his friend and he'd be home, I said fine, I phoned him at 6.45 to see what was happening about about fish and chips and it was very noisy, I asked where he was he said he'd just popped to the pub for a couple of pints he'd be home at which point I lost it as he was in my car and he's already been banned twice for drink driving, I said I needed my car because I was going out for 8, he arrived home to say he was getting picked up by a friend and they were going out, I went to my friend's house and got home at 01.30 hoping to show him what it feels like but he wasn't home, I got up on Sunday morning and we had a blazing argument, he cried and I made up with him because I really do love him but I just feel numb these days.
He has alot of health problems and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis January 2011.
Every weekend he promises the earth and delivers nothing and what's even more annoying is I truly believe him when he says he'll be home early. I spend all day on my own most of the time, I may go to a friends house for coffee for an hour then i'm back home again.
Yesterday is another classic example, I asked my husband if he'd like bacon and egg for his sandwiches at work today, he said he would, so the only thing I asked him to do yesterday was cook his bacon, I kept asking him if had cooked it yet he said no but he would and for me to chill out, I said i'd like to make his lunch for today and he said he'd cook it, because I can't race around in the mornings anymore so I like to do stuff the night before because it's easier for me and knowing all this I went to bed last night thinking he'd help me by cooking his bacon and making his own lunch, I'd already cooked the eggs earlier yesterday and asked him to shell them and make his lunch seeing as it was 11pm when I went to bed and still he hadn't cooked his bacon, he came up very shortly after me, I asked him if he'd made his lunch and he said no he'd do it in the morning and yet when the alarm went off at 06.45 this morning I was filled with anger and dread knowing I'd have to make his lunch. This morning when he came downstairs I said it must be nice to get up every morning, just go to the bathroom and get yourself ready and come down to your coffee poured for you, your lunch made so all you have to do is look after yourself.
Even when I worked I still got up and did everything and got evening meals ready or stuff out to defrost, got home cooked the dinner, got our lunches ready and everything, while he did absolutely nothing and now that I don't work he's even worse, so I'll say something and we'll maybe have a row, things'll get better for a time and then nothing again and i am just so exhausted with it all I just give up it's easier.

The sad thing is, is that all of this isn't normal healthy relationships ... Think about it... A loving caring husband, father doesn't leave his family w/out calling.. It shows immaturity of being selfish... The best thing is to separate & let them c how life is... It is extremely hard wen u love someone.. But that's tough love & they need to b taught a lesson of loss if they chose to b selfish.. I'm in it too & a lot of men get married & can't handle responsibility .. They seem to regress into teenagers... Like wat they call midlife crisis which I don't believe... It's called facing the reality of life.. God is testing them not u... So stay true to ur beliefs which means being a good mom bcuz the kids need someone stable.. Stay stronge & true to urself & god will bless u

My boyfriend has cheated before now every Sunday he goes round to friends house I've never met, he always says ill have to sort something out do u can meet him but never does! Is this mate another women ? It's late at night normally he'd be home now don't know whether to call and check in as he hasn't texted back

My husband & I just got married 5 months ago & I just got here in a different country because his working here. Lately he has not come home. This to nights no call no show. I'm going thur my menopausal & went for help. He knows. I want to know what's going on. Does he still love me

What do I do

What do I do to make him come home

This is the first and last time my husband will go out till 3 am I have been there before I felt this coming too. the picking of the fights, dragging me out for a good time that turns bad the minute the slightest bit of attention comes my way he gets obnoxious and abusive we have only been married 4 months and I thought I made the difference by im no different then the ones before he wont change only I can im in the power position because its the first time he has done this I need to split the assets and run far away if I forgive it will get worse I can feel it in my entire being just like I feel hes doing me wrong right now no matter what the situation total disregard I don't even have kids im home with bronchitis but id rather be with god right now than with him

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years im 20 years old and have a 2 year old boy when I was pregnant my boyfriend changed he was such a nice sweet person and then all of a sudden a when I got close to giving birth he changed he went out alot more he cheated on me he lied he made me feel as if all.of it was my fault he then left me when my son was around 2 month old and he got with another women and got her pregnant was just about to move in with her whilst all of this was happening I got on with my life got a new boyfriend and was happy however I still lived him and wanted that Family for my son my old boyfriend was still saying he lived me and wanted to get back with me.and was.sorry for everything he had done so I got back with with him this was all in a space of 6 weeks now we have been back together for a year and he treats me like a princess and gives me.everythubg I want let's me rip into him.about everything he has.done every time. I'm. Angry I love him and I do trust him.again but I just can't stop being nasty to him every time.i remember something from that period I hate the way he was with me and I wen ever I get close j have to push him away please help I can't stand it any more I want. To get being able to love him and have sex with out thinking of him.with other girls it's making me.depresed

This seems to be a kind misunderstanding that often happens. Instead of waiting for phone calls, automated emails might assure you as week. How about trying one such a system like "atGPS personal" downloadable from googleplay store. It costs only 2.50 US Dollars. Your husband could install it in his phone and set it to send emails to you reporting his whereabouts in street-address names. You then get emails every 15 or 30 minutes telling your husband's location. The starting time could be from 8:00pm up to 11:00pm and from 0:00am to 2:00pm for instance. But, don7 deprive him from all freedom, leave some room where he could feel not being remotely monitored ...<br />
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Looks lIke many others have the same problem. My answer may help!?!

Well same here . After marriage I came away from my parents gamily relatives to a new country . Here I have no friends no jobs no parties . Husband is caring but he is doctor so he is on night duty whole week . At night I stay alone at home .. and on weekends his friends call him for get together where they stay till morning ..... I feel so depressed due to waiting for whole night . And night duties all time . At morning he is at home but sleeping for un limited hours ... but I am suffering and bearing all this because he is hood with me in all other matters . Now I am first time pregnant so really need him as no one else is there to share but he is not realizing it. I csme ftom a joint fsmily hsving parents three brothers having cute kids . It was so social life there snd here I feel I am imprisoned . But only thing I ccan do iis patience to keep yhis relationship. ...

It's going to be hard. Because you love him. Once u love him That's it. There is not a thing u could do. Because u are still with him. You already tried counseling everything!!!! U left twice. Think about that picture. The puppy love is gone u already have kids that a joy to u. Leave the guy and just focus on u & the kids. Maybe one day your husband will realize something not last time but maybe this time. Years go by and just think about how u did the right thing. Girl he is cheating on you & left u with kids thinking its ok to do that your busy. Don't give him that power to just run all over & disrespect you money plz save & get out!

I know I'm way late but I just have to say.
I'm 19 years old.. I graduated from high school been living with my boyfriend for over a 1 1/2.. everything was fine up untill I got pregnant.. I'm currently due November 8th,2013.. I work full time and, I come home do laundry,clean,cook,walk the dog etc.. I'm beyond stressed out.. My boyfriend says oh i smother him which i dont! He work for about 14hrs a day comes homes sleeps and than its off to work.. hes second shift n im first.. he asks if he can see his friend.. i said fine.. he turns his phone off and hasn't texted or called.. Its 1am and he left around 730.. He right he doesnt go nowhere and this has been his first en awhile.. but im 19 and feel like a married woman.. Theres only so much I can do and take... I feel so lost.. Like what did i do? Hes become more apart since ive gotten pregnant.. i cant have friends or he blows my phone up if im with my family.. which is just my mom or sister.. i dont trust him.. i just want it to work for my daught when she comes.. Im just lost. And hurt..

Hmm well this is not a hard question. you pregnant & your emotions will kick in. He needs to focus on you & baby & work not his damn friends rightnow. Him turning off his phone he is hiding something he will keep thinking u are smothering him because he keeps turning off his phone when he is with his friends no wonder why u smother him tell him why!!! Your the woman y'all are having a baby. Stand up to him. Tell him baby is coming. The fun & games are over and to focus on your relationship u need him. Pregnant now & I have a great guy. We are getting married this Holloween for a reason. Take care of the situation. U could stand back a little maybe he will comes to his messed up reactions someday but hopefully it won't be to late. Because if its late y'all relationship could be worse. I hope he change for u and I hope u get the satisfaction. You don't need to be going through this. Talk to him. Talking to him about it is not smothering him. It's called just having a good relationship with each-other. If he can't listen then he is no good for you. I know u wanna keep him & u love him. But u need to be happy as well. He needs to grow the hell up. He is father now. Be a man!!! And u be a woman. Don't let him run all over u. He doesn't like it why should u. I will pray for u SWEETY. & congrats.

Oh my gosh, there is so many of you with the same story,, well this is my second marriage, my second husband has been awesome with a few mistakes, now it is though he is a new person, not coming home till midnight than, one than 2 than 3 now all nighters, his son is now 22 and goes out with. Him,, now both are lying to cover up god knows what, i just dont give a **** any more,i was going to leave, but to where, to who. Do i run to, iam 50 years old, and have given my retirment to this man some years back, i am a professional woman, and work out of my home, but when iam out looking for m husband at 3, 4 ,, 5 , am i cant work the next day. He says he. Gets drunk, goes to after parties and just dont think, he says he isnt cheating just a mid life crisis, hum thats what cause my first marriage to fail. Mid life crisis, dam do i start over again, or ride it through this time, i am. Numb, im sick all the time, i dont want to get out of bed most days. I not sure what to do, but yesterday he told me, after his son finds him a sleep at some guys house he didnt know, (yeah right) knock on doors is my dad here,, lol... I guess he thinks i am dumb, any way he swears he wants to change he cried and begged me to help him, he dont want rehab but he wants help for his drinking, ok well he said this on monday after a night out to 3 am, funny thing is the cab drivers always find him in his truck passed out, with no one,,is he telling me the truth, he starts drinking and cant stop, is the bar over serving him, and he cant function. I let him go out because i do trust him or am i just being foolish? I feel like i am a wife, a partner not his parent. He is a man with a choice like any other man, u choose to be home with the woam you love or you vvan choose to be out drinking making bad choices...

I think, be aware of the safety of someone is the most important. Many people In the same desperating would like first to know that his husband or boy/girl is safe. I have suggest to some of us with this same problem to look at "atGPS" a software for mobile phone. It allows for receiving emails of the location of the one who installed it and registered your email. You have to convoke however, your husband to set it for sending you emails at hours you worry the most for his safety; say after 8pm, every 30 minutes until dawn. May it help?

I have not read all of these responses but I I am a man I do want you women to here from a male perspective. Why do we marry our job? Why do we come home late? Why do we want to me with our friends instead of the on we marry????? Get a grip on life. What do you think???????? We are lonely. We are afraid. We are alone. And we have no one. You say that you are there but you are not. You what what we can provide. You want and feel we owe you. You regret an fear us. You cringe at anything that my be considered intimacy. Admit it. 80% of all women do. It's the truth. The world has or (women of the world ) have become materialistic. What can the man give you really blame the men that have trophy kids. Do you really expect them to stay around? The few of us that want something more in live can't have it because society has dictated that we owe.........Don't complain women..You are the ones that treat your man with hate and disrespect. What do you you expect?????? The men left 15 years ago.... You drove use away. And you think we all are bad....get a grip. Love your husband.. Understand your husband....appreciate your husband and above all respect him. He is human. We all are. Once and a while tell him that you love him. That you care for him. That you appreciate him. IT IS NOT YOUR WORLD!!!!! It is God's world both are created your man...

I have been in your situation so many times till this day. I tried so hard to hold my family together but it seems like it's not helping. I tried to talk to my husband but he never listens, because he is more in his friend zones. I felt like an idiot being with him but I look back and say to myself just be patient and strong. So right now, the only thing I'm doing is pray & have faith. Because with God anything and everything is possible.

I ran into your comment. I was going through the same thing. I finally decided to file for divorce

How long did it take you to to divorce him?

Just talk to him until he listens to you i know how you feel that happen to me twice

I forgot to mention that my husband has had nights not coming home or coming at 6 am . His excuse now has been I'm drunk n you don't want me drinking an driving . Although, years back he would do it. So , I mean why do we let our self esteem go to the floor? We should be providing the best environment for our children . By staying in a relationship where we always put our part but receive nothing in return isn't healthy . Men don't realize what they have until they lose it. The other night mine texted me "I'm drunk but still love you" come on really? I already put my foot down and kept my word and let him know I want to keep going wih my decision to separate. I admitt , I cried and I was alil doubtful , but I know if I stay I will maintain the continuous abusive cycle. I am not up for that anymore . I even ask myself why does he want to continue in this relationship is it because of the fear of child support ? He clearly has more fun outside with his friends ... So ill let him be . It's frustrating because with two little ones I feel like I will struggle, but I rethink everything and say damn it I basically have been alone with the kids.

That's why I filed for divorce. Enough is enough. He wants to party? I will let him!

Hey somehelpwilldo . I read your situation and you completely said mine. I have been with my husband for 8 years and I also have 2 children. I am at the edge. We just rented an apartment 9 days ago, but I am moving again because I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I see he doesn't care . I have also cooked for him and he has agreed to eat and never does. I have placed all my part in this relationship . I am exhausted and it does hurt me to know that this will be the end, but it feels bitter sweet because I know that I will have peace and have another opportunity in life. I went through the same steps you stated... The crying, yelling and getting angry, to the numb feeling. That's exact what I talk to my close ones . I feel at times I have a knot in my mind n I need to detangle it because it over powers all my positive thoughts. I will be living uncomfortable for a while until I get a better job in my career. Thank god for that I did accomplish a goal .

Waiting on my partner its almost 4 am and hes still not home he wont answer hes texts or calls and when he does he tells me to stop calling hes busy sometimes after work he prefers to just spend the night as hes parents im tired of crying and arguing and waking up at 3 am and he not been home I have a a daughter hes not hes father but she sees him as one been together almost twoyears and my daughter is 3she even realises hes never home and it hurts my feeling he says ill i do Its cry and argue but how do I explain my feelings I feel lonely hes never home

I am sorry to hear this.. I thimk that men's nature is just being selfish. We have a 10 month old baby and he sometimes spends the night out. Obviously when I call him he doesn't even bother to respond so when he comes home it's war! I feel tired and I ve given up a lot of things for my family and I never go out. All i do is clean cook abd take care of our son. I try and talk to him and tell h to go out as a family as I am getting lonely and depressed abd I know that my character has changed. I barely even laugh. I really don't know what to do

Well ladies, I'm a veteran bar widow for 18 years (married 15) and counting. We had been together 3 years when I broke it off over a keg party he held at my house (he had moved in) on the day I came home from a 1 month assignment in Texas. I was abstaining from alcohol then so this was particularly disrespectful and disappointing b/c I couldn't wait to get home and see him. Instead of the homecoming I envisioned, he was outside playing horseshoes...there were a bunch of drunk men in my front yard & 1 of them pulled his pants down and told all my neighbors to suck his ****. That was it, I threw everyone out, including him. After a few months I felt lonely and I missed sex. I heard he was a mess w/out me & I felt sorry. I went to see him and we wound up making love. As I was undressing I told him this was just a one time thing and didn't mean we were getting back. Afterward, he told me he wanted to have a baby with me...I told him he was crazy and went on my way. Wouldn't you know after 2 yrs living together w/ no birth control & no pregnancies I actually conceived that very night. It was like he wished me pregnant. When I found out the following month, I told him I wouldn't come after him for child support; I knew I could do it on my own. I was successful very young, and by then I was 24. I said he could be as involved as he wanted, and he told me he wanted to marry me and for us to be a family. Growing up w/out seeing my dad a lot sucked so naturally I wanted better for my own child...and I said yes. I found out a month before the wedding that he had screwed 2 of my closest friends while we were apart. 6 wks after the wedding I had pregnancy complications and had to be induced 7 wks early. Our baby girl was just 3 lbs 12 oz and had to fight for her life in NICU. 2 wks after I was sent home, we got to bring her home. The very next night, he pulled this **** with the bar after work. He was younger, 23, so I gave him some slack. I didn't want to be a posessive wife. I also expected to be granted the same respect when I went out w/ friends. Only he didn't come home...finally at 11, I called him and kept my cool. He came home. He repeated this behavior for the next week. Here I was, married when I didn't want to be; putting my own wishes aside for the interests of my child. Married b/c he said he wanted us to be a family, and then as soon as our preemie came home, he decided the bar was where he wanted to be. My patience wore out after a solid week of this. He worked all day w/ these guys - why did he have to spend all night w/ them? Why an I home alone w/ a baby if I'm not a single mom? Most importantly, what kind of man isn't in a hurry to get home to his new wife and brand new baby-who both almost didn't survive??? I called and said "your baby's been home for a week and she doesn't know who you are". That sunk in, he started coming home earlier, but still not right after work. Hanging out w/ the guys was always his first priority. This went on until he went back to his religion for a while, but then he was a miserable angry jerk who judged me and constantly compared me to other more proper women in his congregation. After 5 yrs and baby #2, I was done. He cried abd begged and quit his religion. Within a week he was hanging with Hells Angels and doing coke. Playing the same bar & cell phone games. I was a single mom, but without the child support and weekends off. I lost all my friends b/c I had no time to be with them. They faded from my life. After a while I tried to play "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thing and started having him bring home coke for us to do together. It seemed to be great at first; he was home with me more, and we'd stay up talking and playing cards, and having great sex. Soon, we discovered pain killers would ease the coke hangover. Before long, we were dependant on opiates. The addictions kept me under his control. I needed him for access to drugs. We maintained a high level of function so no one knew we were addicts. We succeeded in business and everything looked good on the surface for a long time. Meanwhile the bar beckoned him and I ran the household & cared for our girls myself...w/ the help of my secret weopons (...of self destruction). Many mornings I lied to them that he worked late snd left really early before they woke up, to hide from them the fact that he never came home the night before. I made more money than him but he refused to pick up the kids from daycare so I could work late. He worked until 4 most days and went straight to the bar. The drugs we needed gave him a perfect excuse to stay out supposedly waiting for dealers who were always hours late to meet him...of course. He doesn't celebrate birthdays, so I wasn't hurt when he didn't come to my 30th bday party. But when his best friend turned 30 layer that same year, he went to that one, and left me home w/ the kids of course.
What a fool I was. In our 10th year of wedded bliss, the economy collapsed, our house of cards went down in a hurry. we lost everything we worked for as we were both employed in housing. My career in mortgages was over for the foreseeable future. Pennyless, he closed his construction business and went to work for an old boss who assigned him to a job in another state. I went to rehab before we moved away and have stayed clean since. He followed my lead and cleaned up too. Having no one to hang with at the bar, he came home after work. You'd think that would be the solution, right? Wrong!!!
He relaced the bar w/ the TV. He went straight for it every night and tuned us out. When his boss went bankrupt and abandoned us here 700 miles away from our support system, he refused to get off the couch and engage with us. I told him this time was a gift, it was the siver lining for our story...when else would we both be unemployed and collecting enough to get by, with all this free time to spend together as a family? This thought was of no importance to him and he contined to sulk on the couch. He would rather watch a repeat of Pawn Stars or Deadliest Catch for the 6th time than go anywhere with us or even have a conversation w/ me. The worst part is as soon as he makes a new friend, he snaps out of it and he's on his feet, on the go. Happy to do stuff w/ his new buddy...even if the guy is a total *******. So it's not like he can't pull himself out of his low state of mind, we just aren't enough to do it for him. It has to be a buddy, or else he "hangs out with" his TV buddies. All the shows he watches are about guys that work together. I have pointed all this out to him, I have told him exactly how my needs are not being fulfilled. I even passed on a business opportuntiy b/c I knew I'd be spending 1 on 1 time with various men doing business, and I feared that I might stray b/c I am so starved for that masculine attention and friendship. I told him this, too. He did nothing to change except help out more w/ chores - he'd rather vacuum or wash dishes than talk to me too! When a good friend of mine killed himself, he showed me no support and only had nasty comments to make about it. He made me feel guilty for my grief and I wasn't allowed to cry in his presence without him getting pissed. I went back to work last year, and a younger man set his eyes on me. I had been true to my husband and resisted plenty of men throughout my martiage. This one persisted after I told him I wouldn't cheat. I enjoyed his friendship and although I never complained about my husband, he could plainly see my unhappiness. He told me I had one life and desrved to be happy...that struck a chord in me and soon after we begam having an affair. I cried the whole way home after the first time. It was over in a few weeks, and my husband found out about it after a few months. Furious, he blurted it out ib front of our girls on the 1st day of ruined the 1st day of middle school for our youngest, who had been looking forward to it for months. He actually told them directly that their mother had sex with anotheran while still in a relationship with him. Then he had the nerve to say I was wrong for not leaving him first!!! That may be true for most, but I have tried to break up with him abt a dozen times in the past 10 years. I have told him I needed to leave for my own sanity, I have told him this marriage has ruined me, it's killing me, etc. He always cries and begs and breaks his promises to change w/in a couple weeks or months. WHEN should I have ended it with him when he would never let me go? When I pointed this out he said it didn't matter, I should have figured out a way anyway. I told him our marriage was over in my heart months before that happened. It's not like I was carrying on with 2 men. I had stopped having sex with him and was planning to save enough secret money to leave. But now I am the one who has wronged him. He decided to "forgive" me but uses mu affair as his excuse to treat me in the same manner he always has...I have "ruined" his confidence and his trust, his desire to be emotionally close to me. What a load of horseshit. It's how he always treated me. He just decided to keep me around long enough to punish me as he sees fit because I dared to defy his authority over me.
I tried, I gave it one last full effort. I cried and begged him to try doing things together, to build a foundation for a happy marriage together brick by brick. I told him this environment is toxic for our girls, who are teens now w/ very low self esteem. He said he didn't know if he wanted to do that. I also told him back when he decided to "forgive" me that I would soften my heart and let him in it one last time, and if he broke it again it would be the very last time. Now for the past month he has been doing side work at his new buddy's house (after getting me fired over his jealousy) and comes home after 11 most nights. I know he's not working after dark...he just stays as late as he can, or maybe he goes to the bar or has a girl on the side. After he found out about my affair I opened his laptop to go online and discovered his membership to a "meet up for sex" website, which he was fully registered at, username, password and profile. He claimed it was just something he did out of anger for what I had done to him & that he never talked to anyone on it. Whatever. I really don't give a **** where he is anymore. My marriage is way overcooked. It's beyond redemption, bot because I cheated or Because I decided it was over. It's over because he has consistently decided not to build a relationship with me or his kids. For so long I felt guilty about wanting to leave b/c of what it might do to them. Now I am beginning to see how staying has harmed them... not only do they have low self esteem, bit they have never known their mother's true nature b/c it has been masked by pain and anger for their whole lives and years of this abuse has been psychologically harmful to me. I now suffer from OCD & panic attacks, and I've become almost non-functioning in the wake of his discovery of the affair. I realize now that growing up w/out a dad at home is far better than having a dad there who never shows you love or treats you as a real person, with kindness & affection...and even that's not enough. Children and wives should be made to feel like they are the most special thing in a man's world. Anything less is not even close to enough.
If you are in the early stages of this cycle of abuse, the writing is on the for your life and don't look back. You and your kids are better off without his toxic energy.