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Its Late At Night And My Husband Has Not Come Home

I really need to unload. Its nearly midnight and my husband has not come home from work. No doubt he's out drinking with his mates. A phone call would have been good, but he always says he forgets. We've been together for over 10years now. But I can't take this any more. He regularly comes home late from work, and the nights he finishes early, he will go drinking with mates. I feel its damaging our relationship. I feel resentful of him. I cook dinner, then wait for him to come home to eat with us (we have 2 children). I feel lonely. We don;t connect anymore. we lead seperate lives. I used to cry alot, then filled with anger, now I just feel numb. I don't like the person I've become. I'm constantly yelling at the kids. My husband and I argue alot. We've tried couselling, I've left him twice, I've begged, pleaded, argued. I feel I've tried everything, and I'm running out of ideas. I've talked about divorce, but feel like a failure. I've begged him to just ring me if he's going to be home late, but still he doesn't. He has cheated on me in the past, so I do feel insecure when he doesn't come home on time. He says I don't give him enough freedom and I'm too controlling. I feel he doesn't respect me enough.  Please someone I just need someone to talk to to get me through this night.
somehelpwilldo somehelpwilldo 36-40 87 Responses Dec 23, 2010

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I also have this endless heart ache. The difference is my husband drinks in van on way home, walks in drunk, stays for 5 mins then goes. In all this month he has only spent 6 nights here, the rest has been at his moms who will not make him come home to me. She is just a horrible lady and not once does she ask how I am. My husband has always been a drinker but this year he has spent more time at his moms than here at home. We have been together 11 years and this yeAr has been hell. I love him so much and he says he loves me and I haven't done anything for him to treat me this way. I hurt so much, cry all the time and cannot sleep at all. I' e asked him why he just doesn't end our marriage. He ignores my texts which I pour my heArt out to him but all he says is he loves me, so why can't he just be here for me. I feel so alone, just drained of all life and my head is. Instantly spinning. I hv 3 kids from a previous marriage 14, 20 & 25. And the middle kid has now moved out. They hate to see me in such a mess and always upset so why can't my husband. It hurts so much that he chooses the drink over me and his mom just lets him do this. Can anyone plz help with any advise. I lovdmy husband so much but there is nothing to live, so why can't I just walk away myself.

I am having a similar problem. My husband likes to hang out with his friends and comes home late at least once a week. A few months ago we moved to his country. I have no job, I have no friends. I feel very lonely. So I am here to read the comments from people to give me a clearer picture about married men´s habit. I am not a demanding wife. I listen to him and I support him whenever I can. But I cannot tolerate his coming home late habit any longer. I am worried whenever he comes home late.

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I know this was posted a while ago but I found this because I'm going through the same exact situation I mean exactly the same except we have not been together 10 years I have 2 kids I cook dinner he always leaves after work and doesn't go so he doesn't come home after work he doesn't just stay out for hours I'm talking days he leave us here with no money no food no toilet paper and expect us to fend for ourselves I have no friends I'm from another country and I do not like his family is just a horrible situation so if you ever are lonely at night and need somebody to chat with you I'm right here

You're not alone with feeling this way... You have every right to be insecure and as for him freedom with his past of cheating ? Don't give him any! This is gonna be hard to do but leave the man. If he doesn't respect your wishes you are better off alone with your children , because that's what will bring happiness .. Peace of mind. A relationship is supposed to be happy and supposed to be agreements , sacrifices and respect, not what you wishes !


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Me and my husband are married for almost 7 yrs now but with no kids.He moved here in my country after a year of our marriage,and in just 3 months of staying here he bluntly cheated on me multiple times, we have fought multiple times and almost got separated then he stopped but not completely,he still justify his action and tells me that "man should be allowed to have girlfriends because of that's how god created them. their body wants them too" i feel so angry,feel sick to my stomach and resentful towards him and still don't know why i keep holding on to our marriage. sometimes i think it is better that we have no kids so it will be easier if we go our own ways.i love him i still do but it is clear now that he have no respect towards me i always tell myself that things will gonna be fine but the truth is the more further we go the more hateful my heart has become. i have so many questions for him but i rather keep them to myself because once i start asking things i know it will start a fight between us like it always do.i feel so alone with nowhere to go or to talk to because my family hate him and now hated me for protecting and standing by him all the time. i feel such a loser for loving a man who will never love me like the way i love him.

I'm experience this for the first time as an adult later in life. (I'm 56 my husband is 52) My husband and I married 9 years ago after a short engagement. We moved away from our past and someplace far away to start fresh lives. He had been through a bad divorce and I lost my soul mate from to a heart attack. Come to find out he has a real problem with drinking. Why ? I don't have the answer to that. But tonight is Dec 19, 2014 His buddies are having a Christmas party playing a round of golf and drinking. I went to work and came home to no one. I've texted him and received a response that said... How about "if" I camp out at the boat club? I asked what does that mean and I've got no response. Sent a second text and thanks for responding. love you. Still nothing. What do ya do ? I'm wondering what this means ? Where are we heading. How will I handle this not coming home thing... and why ?... Why would you not come home ? even drunk... take a cab ? Text me I need a ride. But nothing and not coming home I don't understand and don't know where this is heading. Scared and alone. Can anyone talk me through this ?

I know this was posted a long time ago but if you're still going through it you're not alone

Don't feel bad you're not alone

My partner right now is having an affair with a married woman with three kids and the same age as he is. We have 3 kids right now... My eldest is just 5years old and my partner is 9 years older than me. He is the only one who make ends meet for our family while I'm taking care of the house and the children.I can't cope up with what he wanted me to be and he don't understand me or even listen to me. He seldom go home right now after work. It really pissed me off all the time that he always told me that he will go home but it never happens. He spend more nights to the other woman. He never texted or call me just to inform that he can't come home. He always told me that he love me but he never stops seeing that woman and giving that woman a day schedule to stay for the night. On the other hand, I am just glad that all his salary is all handed to me. In my case... What should I do to win him back and stop seeing that other woman? Do he really love me or love me just because we have kids.

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hello everyone this really worked and i am proud to testify also. i saw a post on how a lady got her husband back and i decided to try this prophet that helped her because my relationship was crashing. although i never believed in spiritual work i reluctantly tried him because i was desperate but to my greatest surprise this prophet helped me and my relationship is now perfect just as he promised my husband now treats me like a queen even when he had told me before he doesn't love me anymore. well, i can not say much but if you are passing through difficulties in your relationship try him here is his email of a truth he really helps again his email his

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This is crazy my husband recently lost his job Monday and hasn't been home since I don't know what to do or how to Feel we have two children and I'm 7 months pregnant now with number 3 I'm confused and pissed that he's been out somewhere for two nights and hasn't called or texted me I don't know what to do

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Sounds like a complete knob sorry ! , I know you love him but you deserve better , go out one night make him feel how you have felt , your a beautiful female don't think you can't cope without him or can't do better xxx anita xx love and luck xxx

I thought I was the only one. I am 8 months pregnant, have pre eclampsia and my so called husband for the past 8 months has been going out and lying about where he is. I have had more stories than water stones book store! Friday I went out to see some friends, he promised to stay in after my midwife warned him
About stress, when I got home he wasn't in. No note, call or text. I texted his mate, dad and brother but nothing. He turned up the next morning saying he had a black out and was so scared. The worst thing is I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it as I'd blacken his name! I totally understand how you feel and can offer nothing but say it's not your fault. You deserve more respect and honesty. X

I totally understand and I have no advise but I can relate to you. My husband will find the simplest reason to make an argument so he then justifies him not answering his phone the rest of the day or any texts from me so he can go to his buddy's house an hang out with about 4-5 other guys til midnight and then drives home drunk. I have no control and when I tell him I'd like time with him he tells me that I need to go get my hormones checks because I'm overreacting as he sees that he does no wrong. I said any wife wouldn't put up with her husband treating her that way and I've even tried to get him to see the circumstances if the roles were reversed. He blows everything I say off and yes we fight about this at least once a week. I've raised our children so we are empty nesters but we are 45/49 yrs old and not only is he going through midlife crises he drinks too much

Girl, you are not stuck at home with your babies go out and do the same thing! No reason for you to sit at home wondering where he is when you can be out having fun as well!

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My husband and your husband could be peas in a pod as what your husband does is exactly what mine does, we used to be so close and now I don't even know who we are anymore, we argue every weekend now as on a Friday he finishes work at 3.30 and goes to his friends building next door to his work and I don't see him until the following day when we get up we'll argue and he goes to his friends workplace and spends the day there and again 90% of the time I won't see him again until the Sunday morning when we argue all over again about the same thing all over again, during our arguing he will normally break down in tears, which then makes me feel horrible and we make up and then start it all over again the next weekend, all I want him to do is meet me half way, I've said to him I don't mind him going out with his mates, but how about going out for a couple of hours and a few beers, then coming home and spending the evening together and every weekend is the same.
I've asked him to call or let me know what's going on and he just says he doesn't think about it.
He's even come home got washed and changed and gone out after saying in the mornings he's either coming straight home and said he won't be late but I still never see him until the next day when it all starts all over again and again and again and I too am fast running out of ideas.
My husband and I have been together 15 years this year and married for 10 years in April. My husband is a wonderful, caring, loving husband whom I trust implicitly, I know he just isn't the type of person to cheat on me that has never crossed my mind, as I know he loves me but he just gets carried away talking and drinking with his friends, but I'm now at the point where I'm dreading every weekend.
We used to be so happy together, I wonder where the 2 people who fell head over heels in love have gone, I know people change over time, but like I said I don't even know who we are anymore as we are so far away from the people we were 15 years ago.
Last Friday morning he said he was looking forward to coming home at 3.30 chilling out, going and getting fish and chips from our local chippy and watching TV together, he'd taken my car to work, finished at 3.30 as normal, said he was just popping into to see his friend and he'd be home, I said fine, I phoned him at 6.45 to see what was happening about about fish and chips and it was very noisy, I asked where he was he said he'd just popped to the pub for a couple of pints he'd be home at which point I lost it as he was in my car and he's already been banned twice for drink driving, I said I needed my car because I was going out for 8, he arrived home to say he was getting picked up by a friend and they were going out, I went to my friend's house and got home at 01.30 hoping to show him what it feels like but he wasn't home, I got up on Sunday morning and we had a blazing argument, he cried and I made up with him because I really do love him but I just feel numb these days.
He has alot of health problems and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis January 2011.
Every weekend he promises the earth and delivers nothing and what's even more annoying is I truly believe him when he says he'll be home early. I spend all day on my own most of the time, I may go to a friends house for coffee for an hour then i'm back home again.
Yesterday is another classic example, I asked my husband if he'd like bacon and egg for his sandwiches at work today, he said he would, so the only thing I asked him to do yesterday was cook his bacon, I kept asking him if had cooked it yet he said no but he would and for me to chill out, I said i'd like to make his lunch for today and he said he'd cook it, because I can't race around in the mornings anymore so I like to do stuff the night before because it's easier for me and knowing all this I went to bed last night thinking he'd help me by cooking his bacon and making his own lunch, I'd already cooked the eggs earlier yesterday and asked him to shell them and make his lunch seeing as it was 11pm when I went to bed and still he hadn't cooked his bacon, he came up very shortly after me, I asked him if he'd made his lunch and he said no he'd do it in the morning and yet when the alarm went off at 06.45 this morning I was filled with anger and dread knowing I'd have to make his lunch. This morning when he came downstairs I said it must be nice to get up every morning, just go to the bathroom and get yourself ready and come down to your coffee poured for you, your lunch made so all you have to do is look after yourself.
Even when I worked I still got up and did everything and got evening meals ready or stuff out to defrost, got home cooked the dinner, got our lunches ready and everything, while he did absolutely nothing and now that I don't work he's even worse, so I'll say something and we'll maybe have a row, things'll get better for a time and then nothing again and i am just so exhausted with it all I just give up it's easier.

The sad thing is, is that all of this isn't normal healthy relationships ... Think about it... A loving caring husband, father doesn't leave his family w/out calling.. It shows immaturity of being selfish... The best thing is to separate & let them c how life is... It is extremely hard wen u love someone.. But that's tough love & they need to b taught a lesson of loss if they chose to b selfish.. I'm in it too & a lot of men get married & can't handle responsibility .. They seem to regress into teenagers... Like wat they call midlife crisis which I don't believe... It's called facing the reality of life.. God is testing them not u... So stay true to ur beliefs which means being a good mom bcuz the kids need someone stable.. Stay stronge & true to urself & god will bless u

My boyfriend has cheated before now every Sunday he goes round to friends house I've never met, he always says ill have to sort something out do u can meet him but never does! Is this mate another women ? It's late at night normally he'd be home now don't know whether to call and check in as he hasn't texted back

My husband & I just got married 5 months ago & I just got here in a different country because his working here. Lately he has not come home. This to nights no call no show. I'm going thur my menopausal & went for help. He knows. I want to know what's going on. Does he still love me

What do I do

What do I do to make him come home

This is the first and last time my husband will go out till 3 am I have been there before I felt this coming too. the picking of the fights, dragging me out for a good time that turns bad the minute the slightest bit of attention comes my way he gets obnoxious and abusive we have only been married 4 months and I thought I made the difference by im no different then the ones before he wont change only I can im in the power position because its the first time he has done this I need to split the assets and run far away if I forgive it will get worse I can feel it in my entire being just like I feel hes doing me wrong right now no matter what the situation total disregard I don't even have kids im home with bronchitis but id rather be with god right now than with him

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years im 20 years old and have a 2 year old boy when I was pregnant my boyfriend changed he was such a nice sweet person and then all of a sudden a when I got close to giving birth he changed he went out alot more he cheated on me he lied he made me feel as if all.of it was my fault he then left me when my son was around 2 month old and he got with another women and got her pregnant was just about to move in with her whilst all of this was happening I got on with my life got a new boyfriend and was happy however I still lived him and wanted that Family for my son my old boyfriend was still saying he lived me and wanted to get back with me.and was.sorry for everything he had done so I got back with with him this was all in a space of 6 weeks now we have been back together for a year and he treats me like a princess and gives me.everythubg I want let's me rip into him.about everything he has.done every time. I'm. Angry I love him and I do trust him.again but I just can't stop being nasty to him every time.i remember something from that period I hate the way he was with me and I wen ever I get close j have to push him away please help I can't stand it any more I want. To get being able to love him and have sex with out thinking of him.with other girls it's making me.depresed

This seems to be a kind misunderstanding that often happens. Instead of waiting for phone calls, automated emails might assure you as week. How about trying one such a system like "atGPS personal" downloadable from googleplay store. It costs only 2.50 US Dollars. Your husband could install it in his phone and set it to send emails to you reporting his whereabouts in street-address names. You then get emails every 15 or 30 minutes telling your husband's location. The starting time could be from 8:00pm up to 11:00pm and from 0:00am to 2:00pm for instance. But, don7 deprive him from all freedom, leave some room where he could feel not being remotely monitored ...<br />
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Looks lIke many others have the same problem. My answer may help!?!

Well same here . After marriage I came away from my parents gamily relatives to a new country . Here I have no friends no jobs no parties . Husband is caring but he is doctor so he is on night duty whole week . At night I stay alone at home .. and on weekends his friends call him for get together where they stay till morning ..... I feel so depressed due to waiting for whole night . And night duties all time . At morning he is at home but sleeping for un limited hours ... but I am suffering and bearing all this because he is hood with me in all other matters . Now I am first time pregnant so really need him as no one else is there to share but he is not realizing it. I csme ftom a joint fsmily hsving parents three brothers having cute kids . It was so social life there snd here I feel I am imprisoned . But only thing I ccan do iis patience to keep yhis relationship. ...

It's going to be hard. Because you love him. Once u love him That's it. There is not a thing u could do. Because u are still with him. You already tried counseling everything!!!! U left twice. Think about that picture. The puppy love is gone u already have kids that a joy to u. Leave the guy and just focus on u & the kids. Maybe one day your husband will realize something not last time but maybe this time. Years go by and just think about how u did the right thing. Girl he is cheating on you & left u with kids thinking its ok to do that your busy. Don't give him that power to just run all over & disrespect you money plz save & get out!

I know I'm way late but I just have to say.
I'm 19 years old.. I graduated from high school been living with my boyfriend for over a 1 1/2.. everything was fine up untill I got pregnant.. I'm currently due November 8th,2013.. I work full time and, I come home do laundry,clean,cook,walk the dog etc.. I'm beyond stressed out.. My boyfriend says oh i smother him which i dont! He work for about 14hrs a day comes homes sleeps and than its off to work.. hes second shift n im first.. he asks if he can see his friend.. i said fine.. he turns his phone off and hasn't texted or called.. Its 1am and he left around 730.. He right he doesnt go nowhere and this has been his first en awhile.. but im 19 and feel like a married woman.. Theres only so much I can do and take... I feel so lost.. Like what did i do? Hes become more apart since ive gotten pregnant.. i cant have friends or he blows my phone up if im with my family.. which is just my mom or sister.. i dont trust him.. i just want it to work for my daught when she comes.. Im just lost. And hurt..

Hmm well this is not a hard question. you pregnant & your emotions will kick in. He needs to focus on you & baby & work not his damn friends rightnow. Him turning off his phone he is hiding something he will keep thinking u are smothering him because he keeps turning off his phone when he is with his friends no wonder why u smother him tell him why!!! Your the woman y'all are having a baby. Stand up to him. Tell him baby is coming. The fun & games are over and to focus on your relationship u need him. Pregnant now & I have a great guy. We are getting married this Holloween for a reason. Take care of the situation. U could stand back a little maybe he will comes to his messed up reactions someday but hopefully it won't be to late. Because if its late y'all relationship could be worse. I hope he change for u and I hope u get the satisfaction. You don't need to be going through this. Talk to him. Talking to him about it is not smothering him. It's called just having a good relationship with each-other. If he can't listen then he is no good for you. I know u wanna keep him & u love him. But u need to be happy as well. He needs to grow the hell up. He is father now. Be a man!!! And u be a woman. Don't let him run all over u. He doesn't like it why should u. I will pray for u SWEETY. & congrats.

Oh my gosh, there is so many of you with the same story,, well this is my second marriage, my second husband has been awesome with a few mistakes, now it is though he is a new person, not coming home till midnight than, one than 2 than 3 now all nighters, his son is now 22 and goes out with. Him,, now both are lying to cover up god knows what, i just dont give a **** any more,i was going to leave, but to where, to who. Do i run to, iam 50 years old, and have given my retirment to this man some years back, i am a professional woman, and work out of my home, but when iam out looking for m husband at 3, 4 ,, 5 , am i cant work the next day. He says he. Gets drunk, goes to after parties and just dont think, he says he isnt cheating just a mid life crisis, hum thats what cause my first marriage to fail. Mid life crisis, dam do i start over again, or ride it through this time, i am. Numb, im sick all the time, i dont want to get out of bed most days. I not sure what to do, but yesterday he told me, after his son finds him a sleep at some guys house he didnt know, (yeah right) knock on doors is my dad here,, lol... I guess he thinks i am dumb, any way he swears he wants to change he cried and begged me to help him, he dont want rehab but he wants help for his drinking, ok well he said this on monday after a night out to 3 am, funny thing is the cab drivers always find him in his truck passed out, with no one,,is he telling me the truth, he starts drinking and cant stop, is the bar over serving him, and he cant function. I let him go out because i do trust him or am i just being foolish? I feel like i am a wife, a partner not his parent. He is a man with a choice like any other man, u choose to be home with the woam you love or you vvan choose to be out drinking making bad choices...

I think, be aware of the safety of someone is the most important. Many people In the same desperating would like first to know that his husband or boy/girl is safe. I have suggest to some of us with this same problem to look at "atGPS" a software for mobile phone. It allows for receiving emails of the location of the one who installed it and registered your email. You have to convoke however, your husband to set it for sending you emails at hours you worry the most for his safety; say after 8pm, every 30 minutes until dawn. May it help?

I have not read all of these responses but I I am a man I do want you women to here from a male perspective. Why do we marry our job? Why do we come home late? Why do we want to me with our friends instead of the on we marry????? Get a grip on life. What do you think???????? We are lonely. We are afraid. We are alone. And we have no one. You say that you are there but you are not. You what what we can provide. You want and feel we owe you. You regret an fear us. You cringe at anything that my be considered intimacy. Admit it. 80% of all women do. It's the truth. The world has or (women of the world ) have become materialistic. What can the man give you really blame the men that have trophy kids. Do you really expect them to stay around? The few of us that want something more in live can't have it because society has dictated that we owe.........Don't complain women..You are the ones that treat your man with hate and disrespect. What do you you expect?????? The men left 15 years ago.... You drove use away. And you think we all are bad....get a grip. Love your husband.. Understand your husband....appreciate your husband and above all respect him. He is human. We all are. Once and a while tell him that you love him. That you care for him. That you appreciate him. IT IS NOT YOUR WORLD!!!!! It is God's world both are created your man...

I have been in your situation so many times till this day. I tried so hard to hold my family together but it seems like it's not helping. I tried to talk to my husband but he never listens, because he is more in his friend zones. I felt like an idiot being with him but I look back and say to myself just be patient and strong. So right now, the only thing I'm doing is pray & have faith. Because with God anything and everything is possible.

I ran into your comment. I was going through the same thing. I finally decided to file for divorce

How long did it take you to to divorce him?

Just talk to him until he listens to you i know how you feel that happen to me twice

I forgot to mention that my husband has had nights not coming home or coming at 6 am . His excuse now has been I'm drunk n you don't want me drinking an driving . Although, years back he would do it. So , I mean why do we let our self esteem go to the floor? We should be providing the best environment for our children . By staying in a relationship where we always put our part but receive nothing in return isn't healthy . Men don't realize what they have until they lose it. The other night mine texted me "I'm drunk but still love you" come on really? I already put my foot down and kept my word and let him know I want to keep going wih my decision to separate. I admitt , I cried and I was alil doubtful , but I know if I stay I will maintain the continuous abusive cycle. I am not up for that anymore . I even ask myself why does he want to continue in this relationship is it because of the fear of child support ? He clearly has more fun outside with his friends ... So ill let him be . It's frustrating because with two little ones I feel like I will struggle, but I rethink everything and say damn it I basically have been alone with the kids.

That's why I filed for divorce. Enough is enough. He wants to party? I will let him!

Hey somehelpwilldo . I read your situation and you completely said mine. I have been with my husband for 8 years and I also have 2 children. I am at the edge. We just rented an apartment 9 days ago, but I am moving again because I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I see he doesn't care . I have also cooked for him and he has agreed to eat and never does. I have placed all my part in this relationship . I am exhausted and it does hurt me to know that this will be the end, but it feels bitter sweet because I know that I will have peace and have another opportunity in life. I went through the same steps you stated... The crying, yelling and getting angry, to the numb feeling. That's exact what I talk to my close ones . I feel at times I have a knot in my mind n I need to detangle it because it over powers all my positive thoughts. I will be living uncomfortable for a while until I get a better job in my career. Thank god for that I did accomplish a goal .

Waiting on my partner its almost 4 am and hes still not home he wont answer hes texts or calls and when he does he tells me to stop calling hes busy sometimes after work he prefers to just spend the night as hes parents im tired of crying and arguing and waking up at 3 am and he not been home I have a a daughter hes not hes father but she sees him as one been together almost twoyears and my daughter is 3she even realises hes never home and it hurts my feeling he says ill i do Its cry and argue but how do I explain my feelings I feel lonely hes never home

I am sorry to hear this.. I thimk that men's nature is just being selfish. We have a 10 month old baby and he sometimes spends the night out. Obviously when I call him he doesn't even bother to respond so when he comes home it's war! I feel tired and I ve given up a lot of things for my family and I never go out. All i do is clean cook abd take care of our son. I try and talk to him and tell h to go out as a family as I am getting lonely and depressed abd I know that my character has changed. I barely even laugh. I really don't know what to do

Well ladies, I'm a veteran bar widow for 18 years (married 15) and counting. We had been together 3 years when I broke it off over a keg party he held at my house (he had moved in) on the day I came home from a 1 month assignment in Texas. I was abstaining from alcohol then so this was particularly disrespectful and disappointing b/c I couldn't wait to get home and see him. Instead of the homecoming I envisioned, he was outside playing horseshoes...there were a bunch of drunk men in my front yard & 1 of them pulled his pants down and told all my neighbors to suck his ****. That was it, I threw everyone out, including him. After a few months I felt lonely and I missed sex. I heard he was a mess w/out me & I felt sorry. I went to see him and we wound up making love. As I was undressing I told him this was just a one time thing and didn't mean we were getting back. Afterward, he told me he wanted to have a baby with me...I told him he was crazy and went on my way. Wouldn't you know after 2 yrs living together w/ no birth control & no pregnancies I actually conceived that very night. It was like he wished me pregnant. When I found out the following month, I told him I wouldn't come after him for child support; I knew I could do it on my own. I was successful very young, and by then I was 24. I said he could be as involved as he wanted, and he told me he wanted to marry me and for us to be a family. Growing up w/out seeing my dad a lot sucked so naturally I wanted better for my own child...and I said yes. I found out a month before the wedding that he had screwed 2 of my closest friends while we were apart. 6 wks after the wedding I had pregnancy complications and had to be induced 7 wks early. Our baby girl was just 3 lbs 12 oz and had to fight for her life in NICU. 2 wks after I was sent home, we got to bring her home. The very next night, he pulled this **** with the bar after work. He was younger, 23, so I gave him some slack. I didn't want to be a posessive wife. I also expected to be granted the same respect when I went out w/ friends. Only he didn't come home...finally at 11, I called him and kept my cool. He came home. He repeated this behavior for the next week. Here I was, married when I didn't want to be; putting my own wishes aside for the interests of my child. Married b/c he said he wanted us to be a family, and then as soon as our preemie came home, he decided the bar was where he wanted to be. My patience wore out after a solid week of this. He worked all day w/ these guys - why did he have to spend all night w/ them? Why an I home alone w/ a baby if I'm not a single mom? Most importantly, what kind of man isn't in a hurry to get home to his new wife and brand new baby-who both almost didn't survive??? I called and said "your baby's been home for a week and she doesn't know who you are". That sunk in, he started coming home earlier, but still not right after work. Hanging out w/ the guys was always his first priority. This went on until he went back to his religion for a while, but then he was a miserable angry jerk who judged me and constantly compared me to other more proper women in his congregation. After 5 yrs and baby #2, I was done. He cried abd begged and quit his religion. Within a week he was hanging with Hells Angels and doing coke. Playing the same bar & cell phone games. I was a single mom, but without the child support and weekends off. I lost all my friends b/c I had no time to be with them. They faded from my life. After a while I tried to play "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thing and started having him bring home coke for us to do together. It seemed to be great at first; he was home with me more, and we'd stay up talking and playing cards, and having great sex. Soon, we discovered pain killers would ease the coke hangover. Before long, we were dependant on opiates. The addictions kept me under his control. I needed him for access to drugs. We maintained a high level of function so no one knew we were addicts. We succeeded in business and everything looked good on the surface for a long time. Meanwhile the bar beckoned him and I ran the household & cared for our girls myself...w/ the help of my secret weopons (...of self destruction). Many mornings I lied to them that he worked late snd left really early before they woke up, to hide from them the fact that he never came home the night before. I made more money than him but he refused to pick up the kids from daycare so I could work late. He worked until 4 most days and went straight to the bar. The drugs we needed gave him a perfect excuse to stay out supposedly waiting for dealers who were always hours late to meet him...of course. He doesn't celebrate birthdays, so I wasn't hurt when he didn't come to my 30th bday party. But when his best friend turned 30 layer that same year, he went to that one, and left me home w/ the kids of course.
What a fool I was. In our 10th year of wedded bliss, the economy collapsed, our house of cards went down in a hurry. we lost everything we worked for as we were both employed in housing. My career in mortgages was over for the foreseeable future. Pennyless, he closed his construction business and went to work for an old boss who assigned him to a job in another state. I went to rehab before we moved away and have stayed clean since. He followed my lead and cleaned up too. Having no one to hang with at the bar, he came home after work. You'd think that would be the solution, right? Wrong!!!
He relaced the bar w/ the TV. He went straight for it every night and tuned us out. When his boss went bankrupt and abandoned us here 700 miles away from our support system, he refused to get off the couch and engage with us. I told him this time was a gift, it was the siver lining for our story...when else would we both be unemployed and collecting enough to get by, with all this free time to spend together as a family? This thought was of no importance to him and he contined to sulk on the couch. He would rather watch a repeat of Pawn Stars or Deadliest Catch for the 6th time than go anywhere with us or even have a conversation w/ me. The worst part is as soon as he makes a new friend, he snaps out of it and he's on his feet, on the go. Happy to do stuff w/ his new buddy...even if the guy is a total *******. So it's not like he can't pull himself out of his low state of mind, we just aren't enough to do it for him. It has to be a buddy, or else he "hangs out with" his TV buddies. All the shows he watches are about guys that work together. I have pointed all this out to him, I have told him exactly how my needs are not being fulfilled. I even passed on a business opportuntiy b/c I knew I'd be spending 1 on 1 time with various men doing business, and I feared that I might stray b/c I am so starved for that masculine attention and friendship. I told him this, too. He did nothing to change except help out more w/ chores - he'd rather vacuum or wash dishes than talk to me too! When a good friend of mine killed himself, he showed me no support and only had nasty comments to make about it. He made me feel guilty for my grief and I wasn't allowed to cry in his presence without him getting pissed. I went back to work last year, and a younger man set his eyes on me. I had been true to my husband and resisted plenty of men throughout my martiage. This one persisted after I told him I wouldn't cheat. I enjoyed his friendship and although I never complained about my husband, he could plainly see my unhappiness. He told me I had one life and desrved to be happy...that struck a chord in me and soon after we begam having an affair. I cried the whole way home after the first time. It was over in a few weeks, and my husband found out about it after a few months. Furious, he blurted it out ib front of our girls on the 1st day of ruined the 1st day of middle school for our youngest, who had been looking forward to it for months. He actually told them directly that their mother had sex with anotheran while still in a relationship with him. Then he had the nerve to say I was wrong for not leaving him first!!! That may be true for most, but I have tried to break up with him abt a dozen times in the past 10 years. I have told him I needed to leave for my own sanity, I have told him this marriage has ruined me, it's killing me, etc. He always cries and begs and breaks his promises to change w/in a couple weeks or months. WHEN should I have ended it with him when he would never let me go? When I pointed this out he said it didn't matter, I should have figured out a way anyway. I told him our marriage was over in my heart months before that happened. It's not like I was carrying on with 2 men. I had stopped having sex with him and was planning to save enough secret money to leave. But now I am the one who has wronged him. He decided to "forgive" me but uses mu affair as his excuse to treat me in the same manner he always has...I have "ruined" his confidence and his trust, his desire to be emotionally close to me. What a load of horseshit. It's how he always treated me. He just decided to keep me around long enough to punish me as he sees fit because I dared to defy his authority over me.
I tried, I gave it one last full effort. I cried and begged him to try doing things together, to build a foundation for a happy marriage together brick by brick. I told him this environment is toxic for our girls, who are teens now w/ very low self esteem. He said he didn't know if he wanted to do that. I also told him back when he decided to "forgive" me that I would soften my heart and let him in it one last time, and if he broke it again it would be the very last time. Now for the past month he has been doing side work at his new buddy's house (after getting me fired over his jealousy) and comes home after 11 most nights. I know he's not working after dark...he just stays as late as he can, or maybe he goes to the bar or has a girl on the side. After he found out about my affair I opened his laptop to go online and discovered his membership to a "meet up for sex" website, which he was fully registered at, username, password and profile. He claimed it was just something he did out of anger for what I had done to him & that he never talked to anyone on it. Whatever. I really don't give a **** where he is anymore. My marriage is way overcooked. It's beyond redemption, bot because I cheated or Because I decided it was over. It's over because he has consistently decided not to build a relationship with me or his kids. For so long I felt guilty about wanting to leave b/c of what it might do to them. Now I am beginning to see how staying has harmed them... not only do they have low self esteem, bit they have never known their mother's true nature b/c it has been masked by pain and anger for their whole lives and years of this abuse has been psychologically harmful to me. I now suffer from OCD & panic attacks, and I've become almost non-functioning in the wake of his discovery of the affair. I realize now that growing up w/out a dad at home is far better than having a dad there who never shows you love or treats you as a real person, with kindness & affection...and even that's not enough. Children and wives should be made to feel like they are the most special thing in a man's world. Anything less is not even close to enough.
If you are in the early stages of this cycle of abuse, the writing is on the for your life and don't look back. You and your kids are better off without his toxic energy.

I know how u feel... I'm a stay at home wife we have 2 kids and two days ago my husband came home 45 minutes late... He was supposed to get out at 2 am.....and when he's out at 6pm he comes home in 15 minutes.....he couldn't give me a clear answer and he has cheated on me b4 2 and now he's not calling me babe he just says love u miss u and now he's completely distant... He hates to hear how all my day went and he never asks how I'm doing any more.... I've been like this for 5 years

I'm sat here now, my husband went out at 5 pm to take a car to a customer, not seen him since, he messaged at 6.30 to say he was looking at another car and that's the last I heard, not picking up his phone nor answering texts, last time he did this he was sleeping with someone else who worked for us, on my birthday ! My teenage son has no respect for him and I need to leave but no finances , I don't know what to do

If you have ever considered belonging to a church,start now. It saved my life when my husband threw my son and I out of the house that he owned before we met. The more I learned about the love that God has for everyone of us, the stronger I became. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.Plans to give you hope and a future" No decent man would throw his wife and step son on the street. I was unemployed and felt worthless, but ladies trust me when I say this, we are not worthless. We were not created to be abused,but to live victorious lives. I have been divorced for 10 months,I have a job that provides for my Son and I and my life is beautiful again. May you find comfort in the Lord. He will bless you as he's blessed me.

Also, don't forget about your kids. My parents are currently not talking to each other, planning on having a divorce, and my father despises me. But my mother, who has taught me to live for me and myself has always encourage not to ever show a weak face against anyone but your children. Instead of concerning about the hitting, yelling, cheating my father did to my mother, she worries about me and my brother more than anything in the world. As a mother and a wife, think about how you and your children can be happy. Love is a hard thing, but if you don't give someone else another chance, then there will never be another chance. You are not alone! Stay Strong :)

He is doing you wrong i been married for 3 years now and me and my husband been though alot coming in late not calling to check on his kids i think is below your family you and him are married if he dont know that show him first pray ask god but the truth is there in your face he cheated in the pass you know what to do i think you just dont want too

3 am that terrible time when we all wake up in panic. It has really helped me to read these and know I am not alone, when I feel so alone. These late nights have always been a bad habit of my husbands and always a source of argument. When we met he was sober almost a year and we enjoyed almost 2 more years of soberness. However these last two years that we have been married he has been drinking a lot. It's currently 10:30 and my husband is not home from work yesterday! He didn't answer a single phone call or text all night. I only managed to sleep about 3 hours last night. I run a child Care center and have high energy early mornings. I would be more worried but this is maybe the 4th time in the last 3 weeks. Not to mention all the mornings he has gotten home between 3-5. He now expects me to be proud of him form making it home by 2. I am so sick of this bullshit. I have left him twice kind of. I think I need to cut ties for good. We have only been married for 2 years and have no children. I can not longer imagine having children with such a man. I would constantly be explaining his behavior to the kids, and they would end up just as hurt and damaged as I am now. Now matter how bad I hurt I can seem to gather what it takes to leave again for good. I still have some things stored at my parents from my time away this summer. I know my parents would be happy to take me back again, but it's so depressing to move in with your parents at 30 years old. I think that contributes to why I was unsuccessful in leaving last time. It was sad to move in with my parents as hard as they tried to be cool. I just felt like such a failure so as soon as he pulled it together a little and was nice, I thought I owed it to the marriage to try my hardest and be sure of what I wanted. As I said I work in child care so I basically live paycheck to paycheck. It's hard to find a room mate when in this kind of situation. I just feel like I’ll never get to have a family now and hope for happiness is lost. I need to find a plan! I can get over him, I can't change him.
Thanks for listening

hI actually I'm new here..but I got the same problem with you my husband(but were not yet married were just living together)had his work he goes out in our home 8am and come back home almost 2am everytime I ask him why he always got home late he just tell me that he was talking with his boss or with his senior co worker.I'm really confuse about him..and actually I easily get upset at him.when I tried to visit my friend at her home my husband would call me and just said come back home and when I arrive home he already go out.I hate it too much and everytime we talk I say to him frankly that I really want to leave him but everytime I try to go to my moms house he would stop me..I don't understand hin anymore does he really love me or not....

when he comes home, go out and let him take care of the kids. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander

As I speak right now I am sleeping in a hotel,I have left home in the morning so as to try and make my husband feel he is not being responsible.He always comes home in the morning and goes to work.I have tried all sorts of actions to stop him but he tells me he wont do it again and even nills down to try and calm me down but one week in the line he does it again.He has been calling me the whole day and I switched off my phone.Its so sad going through such a situation.

message me or call me?

HI everyone. Its been 2 years since I first posted my story. And I feel for all the others out there who are going through what I did. I feel I need to share with you all where I am right now.
I finally plucked up enough courage to leave my husband. He has been gone for 2 months now, and honestly, I am so happy.
Looking back on my own story, and reading all the others, I feel the pain all over again. I now realize that my husband did not have respect for me. I sunk so low, I was very depressed, I felt unloved, unvalued and unappreciated and in a deep space I couldn't see a way out of. So, I went to see the doctor, who put me on anti-depressants. I then went for councelling, couple counselling, 3 times, and still very little change. So, finally, after feeling like I had tried everything, (including coming very close to suicide) I took control back on my own life and left.
I admit, it was hard at first. The first week I spent everyday crying and feeling sorry for myself. But now, I am so sure I have done the right thing. I have my dignity and self esteem back. I am definately happier. No more insecurities, no more worries, no more fears, no more depression and no more loneliness.
I am not saying leaving is the answer for everyone. But it was the only answer left for me. The door isn't closed to my husband. I have made it clear that I wwould take him back if he quit drinking and doing drugs, but he has said no, that he won't. I have been honest with my children who are now entering teen years.
It got pretty bad before the end. He was leaving the kids at home alone at night when I was away for work so that he could go out drinking. the kids were too afraid to tell me in case we would have another argument. it took a good friend who my son confided in to tell me what was going on. He was also doing drugs in front of my son, it was my son who eventually told me what he had witnessed. My husband was driving drunk alot and not acting responsibly, and could not be trusted to look after the kids when I wasn't around.
As a mother, my husband touched a cord within in me, a maternal instinct to protect my kids. It turned me from useless victim to fierce lioness for her cubs.
Thanks for all the support and stories out there. Please I hope you all find the answer to your pain and find yourselves like I have. We all want a man. But the definition of a real man to me is a loving husband, father, provider and protector. A real man is not selfish ande self absorbed, but is part of a loving family unit. And I want to feel safe, and loved, and protected by a real man. If not, well, I will take care of me and my babies by myself.

OMG... my story is totally ditto... today I googled this subject and your story came up and I thank you soooo much for sharing your story. My husband did the same and made me feel like it was my fault. He left to Neb to work and has not returned in 3 years but he tells me that he is doing this for his family and that he loves me. Who would leave their family for 3 years and say he is loves us. he tells me that he wants to come home but he cant bc he doesn't have the money to come home. BS ! he loves his freedom and just wants his family on the side. I prayed alot and I am finally moving on with my life and my children are doing good. I am finally free of those chains. I ask myself everyday--Is this person a blessing or a burden....he is a burden. God has been my savior.

God bless you and your family. He wants you to be happy.

I have the same problem, we been married for 11 years, and we move to his country, i dont know anyone here, i dont speak the language and i cant go anywhere by myself.
My husband go out alot, 3-4 times a week, he go drinking with his childhood friend (girl)
Sometimes i go with him, but sonetimes when i want to stay home he still want to go by himself, i ask him what time we be home, he always says 2am but never come home at 2, always have an excuse. When he text me is always past 2am to tell me that he on the way, but arrives around 3-4am.I get mad and start telling him how i feel, but all the time when i say it all he do is "because" then tell me he dont want to argue and go sleep.
I had told him how i feel when he not with me, but seems like he dont care.
We dont even sleep together in the same bed. Im just tired of this already and i dont know what should i do to save the marriage.

It's sad how many of us put up with this type of behavior from men, it sends them the message that it's okay and it's like we're telling ourselves that we don't deserve better. It's hardest when there are kids because it seems like it would be SO much harder to take the kids and leave.

I too am dealing with an alcoholic that says he will be right back and then doesn't come home until the middle of the night. Or tells me he will be home in half hour from work and then no telling when he will get here and when I call or text him he ignores me. The next day he either pretends that nothing happens or he throws some half assed and empty apology at me, "oh my bad, I should have called you but didn't, sorry" that just adds insult to injury. The ONLY reason I stay is because the kids aren't mine, they are his and if I leave then they will be home alone while he pulls this stuff on them. Their birth mom isn't involved and I have been their mom for the past 6 years so I can't abandon them although I want to leave HIM so badly. Being married to a selfish and immature man like him means that there is no romance, teamwork or sense of family in my life. I am here to keep his kids safe and to make sure that they have a parent in their lives until I feel that they can get to school and feed themselves and do what needs to be done without getting themselves into trouble. At 12 and 14 they aren't ready, especially the younger one that idolizes his Dad and wants to be just like him.

The person that suggested getting our own lives may be dead on. I think that I need to start doing more things and encouraging the kids to do more things independently, that way we don't always feel like we are sitting around waiting for their father to get home. He is selfish, rude and inconsiderate, I really don't want the kids to grow up to be like him and I really don't want them to think that they deserve to be treated the way that he treats us all, especially his 14 year old daughter. I remind her that she should avoid guys like him when she is older because she sees how frustrated and lonely he makes me. I'm just waiting until the kids are ready to be without me here, hoping that they can handle it within the next 2 years because I don't know how much longer I can live like this! :(

It seems that there are a lot of us in the same boat. We've been married for 17 years - together for 20 and have 2 gorgeous girls. We both work, and I leave the house before 7am everyday and he brings the girls to school. In the evening he works until about 6pm and then at least once a week goes out until 4am, or 5am in the morning. This started about 9 months ago and I try and not to be suspicious or frecked out, but I wake up at 3am and he's not there and then my mind goes into overdrive. I get so upset, am wrecked and so flipping angry when he gets home - eventually - then I rip him apart when he gets in. I cannot accept that it's normal for a married man to want to go out until 5am - and that he's not doing anything dodgy. I don't know the people he's out with so if he's betraying me then I will never find out. I'm think of hiring a private dective to follow him - at least then I'd know what was going on. He always showers before one of these evenings out - he doesn't shower much! I hate this - I, like most woment put 10 times the work into marriage, home making and child raising than our partners - it's not ok to treat us like this. Before I met him I was confident, happy, successful and had loads of friends - now I feel like all the lifes been sucked out of me - my loves of course are my girls - I need to focus on them because he's being a jerk. Good luck all of you. Wishing you lots of happiness - with or without the guys.

I am in the same boat. We have been together for 3 years. He will ring or text me to say that he is coming home. This will be at 11.30pm I then go to sleep and wake up at 2am, then 3am and realise that he still isn't at home. My heart starts beating fast. Has something bad happened? I wake up at 4am, I check the sofa, still not home...... We live in London and its a dangerous place to be drunk, late at night. In the past he has been mugged, fallen asleep on the wrong night busses, and got into fights... He has usually just continued drinking.

Simular to past posts, I used to cry all night with terrible thoughts. But now 2 years later, I am numb.

Why do we continue to put ourselves through this?
When do we decide that enough is enough?

I'm not married but I have the same problem & I feel I need help on what's right to do also, I wanna be mad and show him if he don't stop messing up I may not be here one night,I told him I didn't mind him going out but just give me a heads up so I'm not waiting up all night & so I don't cook dinner...but everytime I see him I melt & just wanna love on him....

<p>Im having a really hard time, I have been with my husband for 9 years and been married for 3 years...we have two kids age 6 and 4, I am 7months pregant with our 3rd. Me and my husband have been figting non stop for the last 4 years but we always seem to work things out. The only reason we fight is because he always goes out with his friends... he works 4 on 4 off... but he works with these guys and on his days off he also hangs outr with them... he honeslty might spend one or two nights with me...but he sits there and falls asleep... he drives me nuts cause he always wants to be with his friends, and when he does go he leaves here aroud 7pm and doesnt comehome till about 4-7 AM... i really dont think he is cheating, he has always been the guy who can stay up all night and have fun..and he doesnt do drugs...but it just hurts me that he would rather spend his time with his friends then his own wife and kids!!! He says i control him and i get too mad...but he drinks alot too.. just feel soooo lonely all the time and i feel like a single mom...I love him so much but its come to the point where i stopped many days is too much to spend tiome with your friends?? I just dont know what to do anymore and i am thinking about leaving him, but i am too scared cause i am a stay at home mom, my family doesnt live close by and i have no income and a baby on the way!!!! any advice???</p>

Dear All,

I have the same experiences as all of you all, late nights out, not coming home and never call back. Guess what i have done to let him sms me whenever he go now? The secret is "let go" . Yes, at first i didn’t believe it either but I realise forcing him to talk, crying in front of him, beg him to let me know what had happened between us is in useless

Woman first of all you have to ADJUST your emotional. Tell yourself and prepare for the worst would happen, tell youself you don’t need anyone to give you affirmation, security. Be confident and STRONG take this time to do your own things, things that you never done before. Show him your changes in ACTION and not words. There must be something in you that he love in the past, perhaps you put on weight, you forgotten your sexy or humour. Take some classes, sms him I going for lesson tonight, you come home and take care of kids instead of asking where he was, what is he doing instead. All sms from now is ONLY about yourself and NOT him.

Make yourself pretty, do mask, wear nice clothes, be slim. STOP calling him, take care of yourself and concentrate and love yourself NOW. He will find you different and perhaps you can turn the table around, he might be calling you see where are you instead  To do this takes a lot of patience and endurance.

No man want a crazy woman who call him middle of the night and cry and shout. Be calm, think in your brain at least now he is still coming back home, only late, no big deal its not divorce yet. You still have chance and you need to salvage it.

Yes, and clearly why we go mad cause we KNOW there must be GIRL outside which he is with that’s why we gone nuts! Tell youself , let him go now is honeymoon period for the outside woman but sooner he will realise wife is the best since you all have be together for SO many years. You cant force someone to come back , you can MAKE him come back.

You MUST do your own things BUT you must take care of his things as well. As I said by ACTION not words. Maybe squeeze toothpaste for him and put in the bathroom, make a sandwich and put on his bag, buy a card and say I love you thanks for working hard for the family. All things you can done by ACTION and not words. He will see you are trying to salvage the family. PATIENCE is the KEY word. You have to be more patient than the woman outside, the more you do the more he will feel is he making the right decision.

OK, now go be slim, be pretty, be happy. Share something POSTIIVE with him nothing negative. Send him some jokes some thing you came across that makes you happy. Tell him hey dear, guess what I got today. Maybe take a pic said this is for you (make something he likes) and this is for TONIGHT (A sexy underwear or bra)… He may not come back early also but its ok don’t be mad. You wear and show yourself and not to him, showing him is just a privilege for him. If he don’t want to participate is his lost ok.

So by then you have changed, pretty, slim and confident. These is two scenario one is he come back to you and another is you divorce and find a better one with your NEW, BETTER life.

Really, this Is my true stories. It took us ONE YEAR to be back together and is really a surprise turn over. He sms me saying he feels wired without me and want to patch back. THAT’S the time you can talk to him when he want to. Tell him how you feel at the period of time and you can move on now, if he want this family back, he needs to put in effort.
Now I am patience and nice to him, he see my changes and he changed too. He tells me where he goes and he bring me along whenever he goes : )


Dear one, I appriciate your story very much! It gave me strengh &amp; new way of thinking for myself. Im not married to my guy, were both single &amp; have been together for 7 yrs. We do most things together but on occasion he goes to the club for couple of hrs. I dont care for it but after reading all the stories from all the other ladies I feel grateful. He is faithful &amp;i am too. Thank you all for your honesty! God bless you all. May god give you peace &amp; courage.

My ex husband was supposedly hanging out with his friends till four am every few nights.....then a week afyer i kicked him out he stated dating one of the girls that hung out at that friends house.....needless to say we got divorced but the whole time he was dating that girl he was coming over here trying to make me feel bad like i was supposed to beg him to come home...girls dont stand for being stuck at home and used or cheated on. i really loved my ex husband and it hurt not being with him but it hurt more to be with him and he wouldnt try to be a father to his or mine....youll get over it in time

My husband is still out and he doesn't look at the time. He never answers his phone. He switches his phone off and stays at his parents I have had enough

Be the person you want to be. You have one life. Do not waste it on tears and anger for someone who doesn't love you.

Well this is the first for me he went out gambeling he is my husband and since im 19 icant go with him i told him to go have fun 4 an houre at 12 midnight and he d b back at the hotell by 1 am! Well its 3 am now what do i doo? We have been merried for 3 months he baught me a bottle of liquor and he was sapolsto come back and have a glass with me but no he hasnt after words we were sapolsto take a bath togather and get it on for lack of better words gerrrr yyyy do men do this to us i kno he looses track of time he told me to give him 100 dollers b4 he left and i know 4 shure he had 200 in his wallet but noooo he needed more to go witth idk whats up with him i turned 19 three dys ago and he is 50 dose he not appreciate that he has me in bed wanting on him wish hed hurry up and get back? He hasnt cheeted on me but there is a first time 4 evrything!!!

Your very young &amp; vunerable. I just know from my own experience the way you start your marriage is the way it will be. Dont be a doormat &amp; love yourself more than you ever love a man. Be loving but gain respect daily. Kill him with kindness &amp; expect the kindness to come back to you. love god first than yourself, than him. In that order &amp; you will have your hearts desire!

I have the same problem. My husbands works at a restaraunt that closes at 9. Around 930 I called him and he said work was busy so he would be there late closing up, at 11 I tried calling and he didn't answer his cell so I called the work phone and they said he'd already gone home awhile ago. Finally talk to him and he was at a bar. He calls me controlling and says he doesn't answer cuz I'll yell at him, he always ends up turning it around on me like I'm Thea horrible person. Then when he finally comes home he goes straight to the computer for Internet gaming. He ignores me whether he is home or not.

I think I can help.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I had a similar experience with my husband of 8 years. He would go out every week to play "trivia" at a bar with guy friends. This went on for almost 3 years. I trusted him and never questioned that that was where he went at night. I was wrong to trust him. It turned out that he was having an affair with a married woman from his work, and stealing money from our bank accounts at the same time. Sufficed to say, I am now happily divorced. I encourage you to find out where he's going and what he's doing. If he is cheating, you shouldn't wait around for him.

This has been going on for years and years and years. I too am in the same situation. My husband has a drinking problem. I don't want to leave either because if his better qualities which seemed to be lessening because of his more comfort ness of always going out. He work second shift, I work first shift. When he is off and I come home he is not home most of the time. We actually take care of each other pretty well financially and household things like that. I have my chores and he has his, but he just have to be out drinking all the time. My mother just passed away in february and his job put him on second shift in march. Well 4 months later I rarely see him now, but the bars and clubs see him more than I do. He is a liar and he acts as I'd he is not doing anything wrong. I have been with him for 9 years and I don't want to be alone. I just turned 49 and look maybe 40 and can do pretty well for myself but I just don't have it in me to leave and deal with starting another relationship. He help me raise my children which were ages 4, 13 and 15. They are now 14, 21 and 23. Believe it or not my ex husband would take me back but that's not an option either for me. I am beginning to feel like I just have to live my own life and act like he is nit hurting me and ignore him. I truly don't know what to do.

It is not worth staying in a relationship where your spouse/partner behaves this way. After you get over the loss (and it will take some time) you will be much happier living your own life! You will be able to enjoy your children without sadness. Think about this: you are alone already! You don't need to start a new relationship right away or ever -- you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Take some time to enjoy who you are without worrying about someone who does not appreciate the wonderful woman you are! Just allow yourself to heal and enjoy mid-life, enjoy your children and forget about this guy. It seems he has no problem forgetting about you if it's convenient. It is really hard to separate, but when you are healed you will look back and see how much better it is. Instead of worrying about where your spouse is, try spending the time figuring out how you can make it on your own... think about things you want to do that you don't do now. Instead of waiting for him to come around or come home, you could be doing things with your kids, making new friends, celebrating with old friends. When you are on your own you don't have to give a thought about being home on time except for how it pleases you and works with your kids. That's what it means to be single -- and I guess I don't have to point out that this is the life your partner is living right now! It sounds like he doesn't really want to be married in the way that most people expect married to be. It might be scary, especially since your mom just passed and you are sad, but maybe you can find another single mom, an old friend, alanon groups or someone else to confide in and gather strength from. I was where you are at 40, but now at 55 I am so glad that I made the decision I did. Good luck to you. PS. I hope I did not hurt your feelings by saying these things, but reading your post was like looking in the mirror. I meant to give you hope. Life can be good -- you are in charge!

Hi I just read your post and it really touch my heart. I am in the same situation and really have no one to talk to. Can u email me at time just to keep my keep my sprits

im really so sorry for you pain but i rather prefer you divorce him than to be in this type of pain you are gox through, cus it is very painful when you are all alone in the house knowing fully fine that your husband is outside with another mate and not you.

i cant belive im not alone, just came across this site trying to figure out how to deal with my common law husband, 2 children 13and 15, been together 16 years. we fight all the time,during the last 5 years we bought a house we payed together, on his name my credit was shot after some stupidity i did with my credit cards, payed it all off but my name is still craped. anyways, he goes and does not call, i to cooked and sat waitting like a dog. he calles me every name in the book and makes me feel so small, i dont know who i am anymore, i lost my self years ago.i built frustration inside i started talking to him like he talks to me and i was never like that before he came along.the thought of loosing everything i worked for all these years and walking out empty handed does not sit well in my heart and i dont want things to turn ugly for the kids so im willing to leave empty handed, but im scared, its like i dont want things to be over i want them to change but he wants me to do all the changing and i see no change on his part. he treats me like dert, talks to me like crap, then butters me up when im about to walk out the door. i cant seem to make him feel the way he had made me feel its like he has no concionce, no remorse like he is in control, you dont like it f u kind of thing.i dont know how to react anymore its like i hate him but im still jellous of the thought of him out with another if he is. its hard to explain but at this point i cant stand being near him for more than 2 min, he is always in a bad mood and bitching and when we go some place like groceries, or what ever he will be eye balling girls with no shame in front of my face. he has no respect for me. well anyway i have my answer why we should not be together but its hard too leave empty handed and let him have the free for all the hard work i worked for..not him me. but yet i get screwed because everything is on his name and not mine.. how is that fair and if i want it i need to fight and make it ugly for the kids??i dont know

I have the same situation.<br />
My fiance is a diving instructor and his "excuse" is that if he sits around after work drinking with his students, he will convince them to come back and dive some more. So every night he sits around with his students while I get our three year old son home, fed and into bed at a reasonable time. However whenever I go to the dive shop, he is not sitting with students drinking, he is drinking with his friends.<br />
All the time when I am departing from the dive shop, I hear "I won't be long" or I'll have just one more then I'll be home" etc etc etc.<br />
We live on an island (with no family here with us) and his friends from home vist a lot so he also "has" to stay out with them and drink until 4.00 in the morning then get up and go to work at 8.00!<br />
Whenever I want to go out for a few beers with my friends I get so much grief that I just don't bother anymore.<br />
He doesn't own a mobile phone - he doesn't want one and is never home when he says he will be so I get left at home on my own every night with no one to talk to.<br />
I work from home and take care of our son, so I can actually go for days without any face-to-face adult contact.<br />
I have given up everything, family, career, a life for him so that we can live on this island and he can be a diving instructor, I feel that he should sacrifice a little in return - does that make me unreasonable?<br />
I'm so sick of this, but he won't listen to me - he tells me that I may as well just put bars up at the window and says that I'm selfish for not allowing him to relax and hang out with his friends. I also feel like I live with a 46 year old child!

Well it's 3am and i just called the hospital to make sure my husband wasnt there. He's not. That means he is either off cheating on me dead or injured in a ditch somewhere or doing drugs and getting wasted. I know this from experience. I have to get uP for work on three hours and I haven't slept a wink worrying about him. This is so disrespectful to me and our marriage and the commitment we made. I feel like I married to a 46 year old child.

It feels to me that my husband of 13 years has always had some reason to not come home. In early years it was his friends, then his horse. Now, it is graduate school and work. He has a study session until after midnight or he works on projects until 2 am. He is a college Dean. For years he has been verbally abusive and any attempt I made to call him or ask his whereabouts or destinaition was met with ugly, accusatory, defensively and insulting comebacks. I am exhausted. I moved out of my room. Ihave health dproblems from stress. I am the only parent of two great kids, which means I drive everywhere. There is no rest for the weary. I am just yearning for peace. <br />
<br />
Sick and tired

Sorry to hear all the sad stories,but i'm also in that situation.....we've been together for 12 yrs married for five years ......he is always out with friends every Friday till Sunday night coming home around 1am -2am,i used to cry a lot but now i don't care and i don't even call him when he is not around.....sometimes i switch off my cell phone and sleep as if he 's here next to that normal ?

I also see myself in all of your stories. Im at the end of my rope afyer 7 years and am going to tell him im moving out to tomrw. I dont currently have a job. And my cell and cars all belo.g to him. I quit my job 5 mo ago to care for his suicidal teene daughter.Depending on him financially only made him more entitled to do what he wants when he wants, but he was this way when I was contributing financially also. As hard and scary and sucky as it is, im going to make the tough choice to leave. I know ill miss him for his better qualities, but I have finally made this tough decision. Fortunately we dont have children together & his daughter is off to college this summer. I know how hard this is for<br />
me and part of me doesnt want to lose himme & even harder for those of you with children. But listen to your insticts & have faith in yourself. You can change your life & learn from bad relationships to help you find a person who will treat you with kindness, courtesy, generositu, admiration & respect. Best wishes to you all & thankyou for sharing.

To all the wonderful and beautiful people that have shared your situations, when people show you how they are why do you want to believe in the words and not actions which are contradicting . It will be hard, scary and really suck for a while but then it get so much better, there is a great love out there and some fool is sitting in their seat move on you are worth it.

i have the same problem with my live in partner.. lately he comes home 1am or 4am twice or thrice a week. he calls and text where he is but i just dont trust him at all coz we have history. i dont know if its worth it at all i feel disrespected.just now he went home 2am and straight to bed angry that i was angry with him. maybe tomorrow i will go out of town and think about what to do with my life coz i dont want to deal with this indefinitely. im scared of leaving him for good but is it worth it to put up with this kind of behavior in a relationship. its not fair at all.

Good Day all. this is actually ridiculous ...... it feels like i wrote most of these comments .. he says all the same things ie : im not his mother , im too posessive ; insecure .... and i say all the same ie : its disrespect full, inconsidrate .<br />
<br />
And here i thought i was all alone .

First of all, I understand the heart ache and it is not easy to deal with. I accept the things that I cannot change but for why do I accept the things I can change and don't? It's as simple as fear. Fear of change and fear to be alone. It's the in-between terrors, longing for someones warmth, thinking I'll never find love again, I cannot do it alone, it puts a bitter taste in my mouth to have to go it by myself when times are tough for me and only knowing it will be tougher, my anxiety rises thinking about it and so I become heart-broken wondering about what he's doing, I accept the lack of information given to me, we have history, been committed 6yrs now, I feel disrespected no calls, updates, texts, NOTHING. Why do I stay and how can I get the means to leave him? <br />
I'm sick to my stomach. I am very depressed and at a point in my life where I am so lost in my life nonetheless with my relationship becoming numb, I know whats best for me, as you all know whats best, and I pray for courage to better my life, my relationships with my family, restore my faith and carry on. I wish you all good luck in your journey here in life and pray for an easy answer to finding happiness again. <br />
I want to be held and told everything will be okay but if it were that easy I would not be feeling the way I do.

Hi<br />
I am suffering the same problem...dont kn ow where is my life leading...i hvae a beautiful daughter....i love my husband a lot but he never comes home on time i use to fight a lot earlier but now i gess its better to live my own life....i dont ask him abt his whereabouts.nether do i wory wht is he upto so late in the nite i jus concentrate on my child n myself....i m tierd of trying so hard for us... but now i hve jus given up...My silence doesn't mean that I quit... It simply means that I don't want to argue with people who just don't want to understand!!!

My husband tells me he's going once a month to hang out with his old high school buddies he works 2nd shift so he gets to thier house by 11:30 and doesn't come back until 4:00 am we live an hour away...I feel disrespected

I am also reading my situation in everyone elses.<br />
I asked if i could go out for the day AND take one of our two children for the afternoon, i got told that i am being childish and i need to stay home and not waste our money, later that day(yesterday) he said he was going to his frinds place, he came home showered and within 5mins one of his friends turned up to pick him up, it is almost lunchtime the next day and he still has not come home or rung or text.<br />
I have that sinking feeling, he says i ruin his life by questioning him, and that if hes going to cheat he will tell me, he says im like a drill sargent by asking where he is, what do you all think?

i know what u feel my partner goes out and dont bother to ring me or dont come home at all wont answer the phone and he said im to possive

I feel for you. My husband does this as well. Several times a week when his friends want to hang out, he leaves around 8-9 p.m., and doesn't come back until 3-4 a.m. To me it is no acceptable to me gone this long, but when I bring it up he just tells me that I'm paranoid, insecure, and "not his mother."

iam also in the same situation, i have been with my boyfriend for two years and have a six month baby girl, <br />
he is also doing the same thing, he always working late, he lives home in the morning and come back very late, 11pm, or just before midnight, it even worse when its payday like today, he does not come home till 3am, and when he comes back he acts like averything is mornal, he would tell me how much he loves me and care about me, and when i tell him about how this is killing our relationship coz am always alone, he would tell me than am selfish and does not want him to work, its either i take it or not he wont stop coming home late from work, he works right next ton where we leave, i also use to work for the company, when the child was 3 months old i went to work at 10pm and he was not at his desk, i have done this 3 more times and all the time he was nt there, and when i confront him about he would say he went out for few drinks at the time i went there, am also very stressed and i dont know what to do, i want to leave but when i try to so he begges and says he love me only me, i have changed his life he was a womaniser and he changed for me, with his drinking habits and coming home very late i dont thing his being honest with me

i've been with my boyfriend for8 years he has cheated on me many times and i still keep going back to him because i love him and cause im scared to be alone he goes out about 2-3 times amth and gets drunk and i want here from him for days im up all night worrying and i have a 3 mth old daughter what should i do???????

MY husband will go out saying that he is going to watch soccer with boys and he will come back midnight or in the morning and he will apologize and after a week he will do the samething again and again its been 10 years of that , i always ask myself if he will change , once he told me that he doesnt see any proble coming home late, im controlling , i have 2 beautifull girls 8 and 3 , the older one she will ask me why daddy always come home in the morning i end up not having an answer.

I feel like i am reading my own life story i try hard to to make the relationship work ive tryed for 12 years i too tonight cooked dinner as my man said he was just having a quick beer after work then 3 hrs later he is home. He doesnt understand why im dissapointed and i have explained over and over again he goes good for a few weeks then goes back to being unreliable again if he doesnt get home till late i dont worry as i know he is not hurt he is just selfish and inconsiderate to our relationship i read your story and thought why put up with that maybe we both need to have a look at our lives and see if its worth all this heartache good luck.

I feel like i am reading my own life story i try hard to to make the relationship work ive tryed for 12 years i too tonight cooked dinner as my man said he was just having a quick beer after work then 3 hrs later he is home. He doesnt understand why im dissapointed and i have explained over and over again he goes good for a few weeks then goes back to being unreliable again if he doesnt get home till late i dont worry as i know he is not hurt he is just selfish and inconsiderate to our relationship i read your story and thought why put up with that maybe we both need to have a look at our lives and see if its worth all this heartache good luck.

Hi there well it has been a month or so since this occurred and well it is 12:13am and he is out again told me again that he will not be long and well.... its 12:13am .... I saw your messages mistakemaker to leave ... that is what I feel but its so hard and scary to do. My daughter (our daughter) will be 22 so that will not be an issue but to be on my own... but then again if he is not home that what is the difference. ha! yeah! ... I found out that he lie to me about spending some money... I called him on it and I gave him chances to confess before I told him that I knew.... so tonight I questioned him about where he was and he got mad at me and wanted to know why I was doing this .. told him this is what happens when you lie to people they do not trust you any more.... he got mad and hung up.......

I'm in he same boat my husband does not call when he is going to be late. Also he will be home and then tell me he is going to me a friend if his (he tells me who) this is at 10 pm. Ge does not come home until after midnight. Tonight he still has not come home I have not seen him in 24hrs as he left to see a friend last night and this morning I got up and went to work I came home and he was out. Last I heard was he was not going to be long and it is Noe 1am.

Try this one, I did and it woked for me. After he would go somewhere and not call or come home late. I would start to plan an event for my child and I. I would not tell my husband. I would go, do the event, and sleep over at famiy or friends. He would come home to an empty house, no dinner cooked, and it would make him think. Before I came home, I would call him and tell him I was coming, I didn't tell him where I was. Once I got home, he would ask why I didn't call and let him know I would be gone. I wouldn't argue, I would just say, It didn't occur to me to call. If he cares about you, he will take this to heart.

Please read your story over and over again until you start to see what I see. Your husband does not love or respect you and does not deserve you. You and he will be much happier leading separate lives. Divorce does not mean you're a failure. You've tried, your husband hasn't. One person alone cannot make a marriage work. Please take care of yourself and your children and leave him as soon as you can make plans to do so. Make the new year a new year for you and your children.

I am sorry for your pain, you are not alone.