I'm Not Looking For Attention. I Just Really Want To Believe.That it does get better.
I'm extremely depressed right now. But to be honest I don't remember a point in my life when i've ever actually been happy, and i've certainly never been content. I've always been extremely uncomfortable in life. I'm not a very social person. I've been getting better at this and actually have quite a few friends now a days. But no matter who I'm around or what's going on, I don't feel like i'm in the right place or with the right people. I can't relate or fit in with most people, and It seems the people I can relate to and I want to know I push away or do something out of character and hurt them, which in turn has brought me to hate myself even more.
My head is constantly spinning with too many thoughts, and I can't seem to figure out what to do or even what I want to do. I can't calm down long enough to even try meditation. Everything I used to enjoy I now can't stand, I feel the need to be somewhere else doing something else. I just can't figure out what or where. and I'm getting progressively worse as more stressful things are coming at work and, things consistently do not go my way. I'm not sure I'm even myself anymore, I'm acting and treating people differently than I used to and I don't like it. I need to talk things out more than necessary to try and keep myself comfortable but in that i'm drawing other peoples patience thin and my own aswell. I feel like a monster after my most recent mistake which i've previously posted about with little detail.
I'm 26 now, still a virgin thats never really had a relationship due to always getting rejected in the extremely early stages. I've conquered some of my fears. I'm active. I have a decent job thats from time to time fairly adventurous, I make ok money, I'm not starving. But I cannot find happiness and I find it hard to believe it even exists now. I mean I honestly know if I had everything I wanted in life, I still wouldn't be happy. I feel uncomfortable all the time and with the way people are and think.
I would like a change. But I don't think anything will make me any more comfortable living.