I'm Not Looking For Attention. I Just Really Want To Believe.

That it does get better.

I'm extremely depressed right now. But to be honest I don't remember a point in my life when i've ever actually been happy, and i've certainly never been content. I've always been extremely uncomfortable in life. I'm not a very social person. I've been getting better at this and actually have quite a few friends now a days. But no matter who I'm around or what's going on, I don't feel like i'm in the right place or with the right people. I can't relate or fit in with most people, and It seems the people I can relate to and I want to know I push away or do something out of character and hurt them, which in turn has brought me to hate myself even more.

My head is constantly spinning with too many thoughts, and I can't seem to figure out what to do or even what I want to do. I can't calm down long enough to even try meditation. Everything I used to enjoy I now can't stand, I feel the need to be somewhere else doing something else. I just can't figure out what or where. and I'm getting progressively worse as more stressful things are coming at work and, things consistently do not go my way. I'm not sure I'm even myself anymore, I'm acting and treating people differently than I used to and I don't like it. I need to talk things out more than necessary to try and keep myself comfortable but in that i'm drawing other peoples patience thin and my own aswell. I feel like a monster after my most recent mistake which i've previously posted about with little detail.

I'm 26 now, still a virgin thats never really had a relationship due to always getting rejected in the extremely early stages. I've conquered some of my fears. I'm active. I have a decent job thats from time to time fairly adventurous, I make ok money, I'm not starving. But I cannot find happiness and I find it hard to believe it even exists now. I mean I honestly know if I had everything I wanted in life, I still wouldn't be happy. I feel uncomfortable all the time and with the way people are and think.

I would like a change. But I don't think anything will make me any more comfortable living.
Blurbel Blurbel
26-30, M
15 Responses Apr 3, 2012

Hey I think your problem is a really common one -- I have that constant anxiety too. And of course, as a friend of mine said recently, if you're living in our world today and witnessing everything around you, it's hard to see how anyone can not be depressed. I'm just beginning to feel like I might be able to brake out of it. It requires strength and discipline though, you have to re-wire your neural pathways. For this I've found Buddhist thought really helpful. The idea that your "mind" is this incredibly complex awareness at different levels, that some things are buried deep inside it, in your Unconscious (to get a bit Freudian for a quick second), including your own sense of contentment. Look to the internal rather than the external, because the external is impermanent and elusive. And besides, the internal will translate to the external if you let it, because once you find true drive and purpose you'll better know what to do with your life. Apologies if you've already thought of all this!

You need to learn that other people make mistakes, other people will try to hurt you and judge you without any reason to. So when you get rejected or hurt, it is almost always because the person is a fool who does not think things through. Try to make friends as much as you can, but try to become freindly with yourself. That way you will remember that it is what you know to be true that matters, and not what other people assume.

Read your Bible

I just want you to know that if you think nobody loves you. I Love you and I always will. Trust me things will improve just give it Time and love lots of love

try praying. it sounds cliche, i know, but it will help. i never talk to real people about my real problems, just god. there will always be some one that will listen, and not judge. sometimes you need to let it out and don't want to burden someone with your problems, i know. try giving complements. everyone wants to feel better about themselves and it might not be that hard, just a simple "nice hat" or "i like your hair, it looks cool." even if you avoid conversation, someone will notice you, someone outgoing, and most likely annoing. but honestly, no matter how hard you try, god sill find his way into your life

So much can come from what most people think they know :) the ones with so much kept inside have a stronger ability to keep strong. Being different has enormous advantages. Being happy can be a struggle so we don't really search for it. You go with a flow from the breath we breathe and I agree with blurbel. :) have a good day...

I know these feelings all too well; feeling so empty sometimes and just so alone. I've never been a social person either, myself. I used to want to be the person people liked to be around instead of the nerdy girl that people actually avoided. I hated myself because I felt that it was all my fault and I fell into a deep state of depression. I watched other people interact, hoping that one day it would just click. THAT never worked. One day I just randomly walked over to a girl I had never met in my entire life and started a conversation about her hat, and I've been working on being social every day. I know it's not easy by any means, but really nobody can tell you the secret to happiness. My advice is that you do the thing that scares you most and see what happens, then go ask the person you like most out on a date. Just be yourself, whether that means wearing a funny hat around the block or singing your favorite song at the top of your lungs. I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to, and my patience for you will never run thin. <br />
Keep smiling! :)

Hey I just loved your comment. I to am really shy to the point where it looks awkward when I try to speak up in front of new people. But that should not stop us from speaking out. Eventually those people will get to know that you are indeed a wonderful person. But the point is no one is going to dedicate extra time to be friendly with you unless he needs a friend or he/ she is interested in you. So try being a little social. I am sure there are a lot of people who look cold or weird on the surface but are facing similar problems. Also remember everyone have flaws and we need to accept their flaws in order for them to accept ours. And if you feel someone is pure taking advantage of your friendship then its time to move on :)

Well said! :D

Ok, my name is Luis, live in San Diego and I'm 60 yrs old and permanent disabled due to a job injury in 2008. Married for almost 39 yrs. But first let me tell you, you are not alone in this. And even though you feel like you are, there is a way that you can find joy in life and be happy. In fact, just by what you are doing now, shows a desire and a willingness on your part, to listen to others. And who knows, perhaps getting some feedback in what they have done to find true happiness. You see, “THE pursuit of Happiness” is the right of all men. That was the view of the fr<x>amers of the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America. If you pursue happiness in the right way, I promise you, you will attain it. Of course, the question you really want to ask is, How do I do that and where do I start? Well first let me say that measuring the happiness of individuals might be likened to attempting to quantify the love that a man has for his wife or the amount of grief that is caused by a death in the family. Emotions do not lend themselves to precise measurement. However, scientists do recognize a basic truth: All humans have the capacity for being happy. And believe me, you too can find a measure of joy not only now, but for the future too. I would love to help you and willing to be your mentor in helping you to get there. But I need to know if you are interested in perhaps continuing in this type of discussing. Please let me know.

I know how you feel we all get lost maybe you just need a vacation somewhere to clear your head I was in the same predicament that you're in about a year ago but i just snapped out of it I went completely out of my comfort zone and through myself into a new job that i had to be completely social in and it has helped a lot I hope you get out of your slump if i could give you a hug through the computer I would

Thank you!

I can relate to you very much, i grew up with the same outlook as you. The thing is, i am better now :) I know i am very young, and its strange to see a youngin that gets better so early in life; at first, i did not even believe it. <br />
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Everything you have said brings me back. The rejection and torment, ignorantly hurting others, and being hurt. Whenever i was around people, my senses would heighten out of anxiety. Someone would say hi! and i would just be very vague, and quiet. They would walk away, and i would beat myself up about it. Being a young woman, i have had experiences "in bed" so i am not a virgin, but my experiences with sex had traumatized me, to a point where i stayed in a very unhappy relationship with someone for two years who was very hard to relate to. We would fight constantly, and we were never emotionally, physically and spiritually intimate. There was no one who was wrong, or worse; we both took responsibility. But it was horrible; the fear of being alone with myself, i hated myself, couldn't stand being left alone!

You definitely get me, thanks for the reply. I'm glad to hear you're better now. But I would like to know how you got there.

Its the one thing you cannot get yourself to do; meditation. I think the difference between you and i is my spiritual openness, and a readiness to be good to myself.

The thing is, i don't think it is right to go on preaching about something that so many people are so reluctant to believe in. Its something that you can't just start doing and you are good at! The true nature of it is that it is tough! it does not always bring pleasant experiences. Its a process of experiencing everything that has ever hurt you, in a sense that you experience it fully, instead of carrying it as baggage. It is terrifying.
(sorry for ranting)

If you want me to explain exactly how it worked for me, id be glad to share :)

Its just, i go on and on about it, and no one really seems to get inspired. With meditation, no one else can get you to be accepting of it, only the individual can.

I hear you! I think there are more people like you than you could imagine. I've spent most of my life as a misfit and it took me a large part of my life to stop trying to "fit in". I always had friends but no real close friends. Even now, after 50 years, I've got a couple of good friends, and a host of superficial ones, but for the most part, nobody really knows me. But right here and right now, I'm OK with that. There are places on this earth that have good energy and good people where life isn't a rat race. Have you considered living somewhere else where people are friendlier and more accepting. Edmonton is a pretty cold city in more sense than one. Check out Nelson or the Gulf Islands. You'll find lots of people just like you/us.

i feel that way a lot. i have certain groups of friends that each share one of my interests, yet outside of that one thing i feel like they're aliens. it's true i should just be grateful that i have a lot of friends. but of the ones i have been closest too, i have lost some to mental illness or addiction. i didn't find my current husband til i was in my late 30's, and honestly didn't stop considering suicide til my late 40's. now i'm happy to be alive - i wouldn't trade it for anything!

Thanks for your response. Im on anti depressants right now. And have been trying to get out with friends a lot more. Feeling quite a bit better and more willing to do things now. Still some complicated thoughts though. However its all about time and experience isnt it!

Yup I relate to this too, felt waves of pain similar to what I've been dealing with my whole life. Especially with the part where you expressed how you're treating everyone differently and not fitting with anyone, being rejected by people and not being able to have a decent love life. Pretty reality shattering when life takes you on a joyride, doesn't give a damn about how you feel about it then drops you in a ditch to rot and fend for yourself. But the thing is, how do you dig a way out when the world's screaming and conspiring against you? That is a question I have not solved, I hope you will someday you're still well young and many years ahead, give it time. I'm sure something's bound to come up since in...some cased life will suddenly throw a good thing your way to fix your depressing state of ultimate misery. I definitely hope and pray that happens to you so you can get back on your feet. If you wanna share problems or talk just pm me.

This is the way I feel currently. Trying to find my way out. It is really weird being surrounded by all kinds of people and family. Yet there are times I just feel real empty. I am on antidepressant which work to a certain degree. However I don't like the feeling, it feels that I am going to die soon and I am finished with the work I had to do here on Earth. I feel for you. This is a very uncomfortable feeling. Today I am forcing myself to go out with two people I work with. In the hope of waking myself up.

Thanks for the comment. yeah I think I know what you mean by the feeling of your work being done. Mine have put me in a feeling of not needing to do anything i think thats the feeling, and i've become reclusive. I'm going out to an electronic music festival today with some friends so hoping I can get some energy! good luck.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm in a very lonely situation myself. I know how hard it is to have nobody to confide in. Try to stay strong. When you are at your lowest....life can only improve. Well, that's what they tell me at least. I should listen to my own advice. Lol. Keep your head up...if u need a friend who can relate....I'm here :)

Right now I could use any help I think. I'm falling the farthest I've ever fallen, and honestly need to dissapear for awhile. unfortunately my career and financial status will not allow for that and are actually making things worse. So here I am in a downward psychotic spiral with nowhere to go, And a 4 day weekend alone at home to drive myself even more crazy, on a sea-saw of looking for hope or a way out.

That pretty much describes my upcoming weekend. But through in a few angry fits and a nervous breakdown. Lol. Don't know why I'm laughing at myself... Not too funny. We should chat. Maybe I can help.