I Am So Lost And Undecisive.....

I hear you I feel you and I pray that we all get over the hurt and

pain that has been put on us... I pray for you all... God loves us best

Thanks, I wil be your friend and will offer a listening ear whenever you need. I am practical and offer advice any time I can.

Forgiveness is the key to having a high quality life following a spinal cord injury, because whether you were assaulted by someone, whether you were in a car accident plus it was the other drivers fault,whether you were in a auto or motorcycle accident and it was your fault or if it was just a freak accident if you don't forgive either the people or person who caused your injury or you don't forgive yourself for causing your spinal cord injury then you will be angry, bitter, or resentful for the rest of your life. For you to heal totally on the inside you must be forgiving , because if you don't you will never find true inner peace,happiness or joy and will keep yourself from having the highest quality of life that you possibly can. For instance when I was injured after being assaulted by four security guards while at a rock concert after only a few weeks a Chaplin came into my cubical in shock trauma and explained to me if I want to be forgiven by God then I had to first forgive the four guys that assaulted me, if i wanted God to forgive me. I thank God that the Chaplin came into my room and prayed with me,because immediately after we got done praying I felt a release in my spirit once I forgave the four guys who had assaulted me and broke my neck which rendered me paralyzed from the neck down. Over the past seventeen and a half years I have suffered intense chronic burning nerve pain throughout most of my body and I always tell people that I wouldn't wish the pain that I feel every waking moment on the guys that broke my neck that completely cut my spinal cord into which caused the burning pain. I wouldn't be half of the man  that I am today without going to church at The Masters Touch International Church, because of my Pastor Mark Chirrona's preachings and teachings about how Jesus Christ bore all our sins, illnesses and pain on the cross which gave us total forgiveness of our sins as long as we have repented for our sins and have forgiven everyone who has physically or emotionally hurt us. Don't get me wrong ,I'm not saying that it is easy to forgive, but what I am trying to get across to all of you who are reading this is that the key to inner healing is forgiveness of those who have hurt us in one way or another . Sometimes forgiveness comes to us as easy as over night , but to others sometimes forgiveness can take many years to achieve. If you don't want to be alone throughout your life time following a tramatic experience such as a spinal cord injury , you have to find inner piece, happiness and joy so that people will find you to be pleasant to be around.. Sometimes when someone gets depressed they also show signs of anger, bitterness and resentment,so if you ever start feeling the signs of depression ,such as sadness ,anxiety or mood swings please seek help from a mental health professional.Over the past years I have had many problems with my family that have caused such horrible emotional pain such as writing to a judge false reports that I was trying to drive my wheelchair out into traffic to kill myself which led to a sheriff coming to my door,then the sheriff asked me if I knew why he was there,so I said no which he replied I am here with a 72 hour baker act order from a Seminole County judge plus he told me the ambulance was there to tke me to South Seminole Hospital,then the psychiatric nurse came into my room where I was due to the fact she wanted to go over some things  with me before I was admitted plus she told me she couldn't believe any nudge would sign the baker act  reports due to what was written in the affidavits from my family,then the psychiatrist came into my room to talk with me then she said"Remember these three words circle,ocean,yellow",then she talked with me for approximately to 45 minutes to an hour longer,then she asked me if I remembered the three words so I said,"Yes ma'am circle,ocean,yellow",then she told me they never release anyone that has been baker acted by a judge for 72 hours,but she felt that I was no harm to myself so she released me to go home,then I was taken home by Royal Metro ambulance to my home,then my caregiver at the time who was with me went to my front door to get my family to let me in,my sister opened the door and said"What the hell you doing here,my brother's been baker acted for 72 hours." which she replied,"No the psychiatrist released him and the paramedics are bringing him in right now." My sister screamed"Mom they released Brian from the hospital" and while the paramedics were bringing into my room as I passed by the kitchen area where my mother was sitting the look on her face was as if she was seeing a ghost. My mother came into my room and told me she had something to tell me but I wasn't going to like it plus even though I didn't like it she was going to tell me anyway so she told me that she got my temporary guardianship plus throwing it up in my face while telling me to give them my checkbook,credit cards plus all my money I had in my wallet. My mother told me I had to go where she wanted me to go,she told me I had to do what she wanted me to do,and she told me she had full control of  how my was to be spent. My sister was also lashing out at me by saying things such as I hate you, you're not my brother anymore, I hope you die and go to hell. Even though after having paid all the bills in the house for 15 years,took my mother on three trips to Hawaii, took my brother on one trip to Hawaii with his wife, took my sister and her daughter on another trip to Hawaii they still treated me like trash. My brother came running in my room a week after what my sister had said to me and told me I wasn't his brother anymore,he hated me,he hoped I died and went to hell for what I was doing to my mother and sister.These things had led to me being chronically depressed, but I had to overcome the feelings of anger,anxiety and resentment for me to forgive them so when I go on to Heaven that God would be able to forgive me also.I know that God brings people into our lives for only a season, because they only need to be there for a short time. God is also so full of grace and mercy that he replaces the people that he took out of your life with other people that love you unconditionally for who you are, take care of you no matter what and help you when you're in need without looking for a handout. First of all,I forgive my mother due to the fact that I know she was being influenced by my sister,brother and my sister in law for the verbal attacks and the horrible actions she took towards me so I know she didn't do all these things on her own and I forgive her first and foremost. Then the second person I forgave was my sister in law,because she really didn't say anything to me personally or verbally attack me to my face so I forgave her pretty easily. The third person I forgave was my sister,because even though she verbally attacked me constantly,constantly used profanity towards me when she was my caregiver plus even though she helped influence my mother to do the things she did towards me I know my sister has mental health problems I forgave her due to the fact that I know she was chronically depressed,partially what I thought was bi polar and she had such a low self esteem that it made her feel better to attack me. Then the last person I forgave for his actions was my brother,because he stormed in my room used vulgar profanity while yelling at me "Your not my brother,I hate you,I hope you die and go to hell,because of what you are doing to mom and Edna my sister". Even though I loaned him $239,000 to purchase his home,so that he would not have worry about going into foreclosure he stopped paying me  after making only 36 payments which left a balance of approximately $195,000 that he owes me,but even though I have  forgave him for what he has done I am taking him to civil court for the $195,000 that he owes me. My prayers are first of all for my niece Kaya that she not be negatively influenced by my family or have my family tell her negative things about me to make her not love as her uncle anymore,because she is the closest child that I have come to having my own child and I love her dearly and always will. My other prayers are for my family,so that they will realize the hurtful verbal attacks they said to me plus how their verbal attacks hurt me,that the actions they took by getting me baker acted plus getting my temporary guardianship made me feel betrayed by the ones that I loved the most and took care of for a little over 15 years by paying all the bills and purchasing my sister two cars plus a truck and also purchasing my brother a 100 year anniversary heritage  softtail Harley Davidson motorcycle. I also had purchased many other things for my family members to try to show them how I love them,since I am paralyzed from the neck down I can not hug them,kiss them on the cheek or shake my brothers hand to show my love and affection for my family. I also forgave my family for only sticking around while I was the financial cash cow for the family and then once I cut them off they deserted me faster than a blink of an eye. Remember that it always seems in life that the ones you love the most are the ones that hurt you the most,but you have to forgive them if you want to be forgiven on the day you go home and are face to face with Jesus Christ so he can forgive you and welcome you home into his Kingdom of Heaven.