My Husband Is Having An Affair

My husband is cheating. We've been married 11 years this month. I think this is the first serious affair. Their emails say they want to be together forever. We have two grown kids 18 &19 and a 10 yr old. I dont know how to tell him I know. I am worried he will do something stupid. I have told him I am suspicious but he denies it. I don't trust him when he says if we split he won't take our son and our money. I don't understand why he is not admitting it if he wants to be with her for the rest of his life. He talks of future plans of us together but it makes me sick now because our dreams are gone. I'm not a bad person and I have not done anything terrible except stand by him. I am so hurt and angry. I can't eat I cant sleep. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks! Someone help me!
nauzene nauzene
46-50, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

It is so terrible to know that we are rejected and someone is taken our place. But, you need to take the steps carefully. See, in some cases, we are respected until the fact comes out. But, if they know that the cat is out, they will start to behave funny and free. So, just keep it with you. Don't let him know what you are aware. It is hard, but we have no choice.

Wow. I see your point. Right now he still tells me I'm sexy, hugs and kisses me and sex...on the weekends. And it has been better than before. I've been doing more thinking since I posted this and did some reading. I try really hard to be mad at him but he has been going through a lot of personal and work issues in the last 2 years and I think the affair is a way to make himself feel good. We do have problems and I don't know if we will get through but she was not the start of the problems. He has a tendency to "kill flies with a nuclear bomb" as I say. It will at least give my 10 year old some more time to grow. He loves his son and to be honest he doesn't spend that much time with him now and he is not good at taking care of him. Lately he has been spending a little more time though, since he knows I'm suspicious. The only thing that really ****** me off is that he took our son to an event where she and her kids were and they acted casual that they ran into each other. They came home and said "oh guess who we ran into". But I have told my husband that I don't want our son around her again. I'm going to start individual counseling to get myself in a better place mentally. In the meantime it gives me also time to pool my resources, get the car paid off, get in shape.

Thanks. I needed to hear that.

I know there was a movie, where the hero is play boy and the heroin is homely girl and when she comes to know about his affairs she leaves him and start a divorce case. There are so many ups and downs, just before the climax the heroin visits her parent home without notice and she happen to see her dad was with the housemaid and she went to her mother and complained about her dad. Mother coolly tells, yes I know this for a long time. Then the heroin shouts at her mother, but the mother coolly tells, since I am not showing that I know this I am the queen of this house and she is housemaid, if I show that I know or make an issue, I will be the housemaid and she will be the queen. And see your life, now you are going in and out of court for divorce. I don't want to do. So, be patient as you said until you become independent and move the coins systematically.

The more I think about this the more I think it will work, for awhile at least. Instead of fighting over child support, I still get his paycheck. Instead of shared custody and fighting over holidays, my son wakes up at a home with both parents. Instead of sitting at home, I still get nice vacations and getaways. Instead of him having to be a part time dad for my son, he has to squeeze time for her.

This is the first real piece of advice I think can bring me around. I'm so sick of not being able to eat. Maybe, just maybe, it will last long enough to get over his infatuation. Meanwhile I improve myself, make time for my friends, and stop being a damn house mouse and doormat! ha!

Yes, those are brilliant thoughts from you. See, in a family a person gets 3 happiness from 3 main sources. Father, Mother and the joy of being a family - the togetherness. This applies to the spouse also. Say for example for you, you get the joy from the husband and the joy of being a family. But, when we break, we lose 2 elements. You lose 2 elements and your son lose 2 elements. Now, as you mentioned she get only very little, whereas once you break you will lose 2 and she will gain 2. Secondly, why do we want to break, because the pain of having another person shared our life. But, after breaking also the pain is going to be more only. It is not going to reduce. Yes suppose, if you don't get anything from your hubby, no love, no money, no sex, no support instead you get torture from him and on top of it he is having the affair, yes at that condition we have to leave. But, I don't think you are not in that much bad condition. But, please do not feel low, like house mouse and doormat etc, that is the worst thing to feel. You are still the queen. Feel like queen, walk like a queen.

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