Please Help. I Feel Like Im Losing My Mind

I feel overwhelmed by everything in my life. I barely have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. When I do get out of bed, I just sit around and surf the internet. Sometimes I will just sit and stare at the wall. I am a lazy, worthless piece of ****. My house is a mess. I was working about 30 hours a week at a restaurant but I was having panic attacks and extreme anxiety so I quit my job to work as a gymnastics teacher for kids. I love this job but its only part time and it pays less so I feel like a failure and like a drama queen for quitting my other job. My husband got laid off his last day was Friday and now he's home to see what a lazy miserable mess I am.

We just moved to this town in January. We move around a lot. Both independently before we were engaged and together during our engagement and first couple of months of marriage. We hitch hiked across the country together, we drove back across the country then soent 3 weeks in Costa Rica. I have moved to a new town 7 times in the past 5 years. My husband is the same way. We have always loved to move and travel and see new things. We decided to settle down because we got married and get our degrees. We picked this little town in the middle of nowhere midwest because its 4 hours from our hometown and has.a university. I hate it here. My anxiety has never been so bad. I don't want to interact with people at all. People horrify me. I wanted to call a depression hotline but the thought of talking on the phone makes me panic. All we do here is watch TV. I feel like my husband resents me because he works more than I do and I hardly ever clean the house. I have a job interview tomorrow for a 40 hour.a week Medicare call center job. Of course I dont want to do it but we have to save money and I can't complain. I feel so bad because Im just so lazy!

We are thinking about moving back to California in august. My husband half jokingly suggested it one day and then a few hours later we got an email from good friends of ours another couple if we wanted to team up and move out there together. Our lifelong goal is to be self sufficient farmers and live our lives as naturally as possible. We want to team up with them, buy land and start a farm. Im so scared. Im so lazy what if I cant get used to the work. Im passionate about environmental stewardship and being conscious of what I put into my body. It makes me sick to live in this apartment and see all the consumption of unneccesary goods. My husband says he feels the same but I worry that I'm dragging him around and ruining his life.

I get so dark sometimes. Everything feels meaningless, hopeless. Why bother? Its pointless. My husband says.it scares him and irritates him when I get in these moods...he says that I shut down. I had a breakdown several years ago when I becane convinced that I was living in a dream. That none of this is real..I still believe it sonetimes. Everything is so strange and absurd. The memories I have here are no different thab the ones I have when I close my eyes and sleep. I can never remember how long Ive felt this way...3 days? 2 weeks? 6 months? 5 years? It scares me sometimes. What is wrong with me?
mnbn17 mnbn17
22-25
May 15, 2012