I Dont Have Confidence In Myself

Hi, this is my first time sharing my story here. All this while I am confident that I can handle my fear and emotions, but last night I totally went out of control and started to think ways of killing myself. I know its totally wrong and all but I just feel so helpless and down.

Whenever I tried to share my problems with my parents and my significant other, they just dont seem to care. I mean, they dont understand what I'm going through.. so I ended up myself getting lectured and sometimes they get fed up of me cause I keep on weeping about the same problem on and on..  So I get tired sharing with them either. Friends? I have friends but Im sure they wont understand too. I'm not the type to share my problems with friends either, cause I'm sick of me hearing their problems, but whenever I tried to share mine they will just simply ignore me cause why? Cause no one understands what I'm going through.

And this is what I'm going through.. I'm 18 years old and my birthday was just 2 weeks ago. I'm 4 feet 9, my height is kinda average for an asian girl. The thing is, I'm seriously underweight with the BMI of 13.5.. Last night I googled about my BMI, everyone complained about how sickening and anorexic it is. I swear I'm healthy, I eat normally, 3 times a day and I rarely had fever too. I'm sick of getting called "bones" and "anorexic" when I'm not. I get called those everyday.. I swear everyday. By my classmates, my friends.. they didnt know how hurt I feel when they started to play with my wrists and carry me here and there. I feel really embarrased .. I'm 18 years old.. I shouldnt get treated like that. I'm sick of wearing big clothes to hide my embarassing body.. I'm sick of getting mocked and taunted by guys.. saying I have chicken legs and hands.. saying that will I ever get married with this body shape, and some also said that no guys would fall in love with me because I have no curves and just bones. It hurts so much! :(  I feel that I want to escape from this world and hide forever. I just want to be normal. I tried to eat alot but I didnt gain any weight. The doctor said that its okay to be skinny, as long as I'm healthy.. yeah right "okay" to me It is not OKAY at all. I'm just a mutated girl who dont belong to this world and my existance in it is just to get myself humiliated. Everyone is being to me, just because I'm not normal. Even my own family members insult me on how I look. And people just love to take advantage on me, cause I'm small and weak.. the feeling sucks and hurt so much. I just want to be a normal girl, who feels confident of herself and who is loved by everybody.

Nowadays, I dont feel confident enough to have friends. I fear getting insulted by them.. My parents told me to be friends with those religious people but even the religious insult me so I dont see the difference there. I think its better of me to be alone, hated by everybody. Eventhough I have a boyfriend right now, who says he loves me so much and whatsoever I dont believe him because I know, one day I'll end up myself not getting married cause I know I will have difficulties in giving birth since my bone structure is so small and stupid. And after all.. what kind of guy would fall for a extra skinny thin girl like me. 

A lot had told me I have a pretty face.. but to me those are just "words" to make me feel comfortable of myself. I dont think I'm pretty and I never believe each compliment I get.. I'm just one of those girls who look dead with this skeletal figure. I feel so sad.. I cried myself to sleep everyday because I cant stand all this anymore.. Please dont give me harsh comments, that will make me feel worse and hurt... I come here because I need to get comforted, since no one else I know that can make me feel better. :( I tried to do some exercise and I drink a lot of water. I'm really healthy and theres nothing wrong with me. 

I'm sorry if my problem annoys any of you.. I just cant help to handle it anymore. I'm really sorry. :(
fearandsad fearandsad
18-21, F
2 Responses May 22, 2012

Thanks, your comment made me feel better knowing there are people like me out there. :) but its really hard living this complicated life isnt it..

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm a guy, and very skinny and short for my age and everything as well. People say things to me about being so small and like lifting me up or telling me to do something because I'm smaller and its easier for me to do it. It feels terrible and it makes you feel like such a little person. I have a very very hard time accepting myself and just being okay with who I am and I know that it is what we all have to do eventually in life to just be happy and live life how we want to. I know how it feels to have nobody that thinks you are serious. I have gotten so upset at times I ask my friends what they think of me or I tell them how I really feel and they just brush it off and act like I'm a ******* weirdo. I wish I knew how to help you but I don't so I will listen and try and help the best that I can.