Falling Apart

I met this woman online. We instantly hit it off. The spark was unnaturally natural. 8 months have passed like a hazy dream, until that day. She wasnt feeling well emotionally, and she got annoyed at something I said. After I reciprocated, we began arguing. She ended stopping just short of a mini fight, stating that shes "taking a break from this".

That's all fine with me - except I dont want people to have that kind of power over me. Her words cut through me like a knife, breaking me from within. The unresolved absence is overwhelmingly forceful. Im going through a turbulent period in my work-life, and its taking a toll. I always seemed to believe i was emotionally strong and could compartmentalize my feelings. Except I cant concentrate any more. Shes left me hanging - just like that and ive been reduced to mopping about pensively lost in my thoughts.

Ive been through relationships, and break ups - but the absence of a person, temporary or otherwise has never left me feeling like this. I feel like im running aimlessly in a dark mazy labyrinth. Neither do I know why im here nor do I know where the exit is.

Maybe its unresolved uncertainty. Maybe its unrequited love. Maybe its both. But I dont want to face this again. I want to break up when she returns from her sabbatical. I will face myself now, and come to a decision. The experience will be painful in the short term, but I'd rather be alone than letting my happiness and peace of mind being held prisoner by another.

This might seem like over-reaction to some. But that is because of how much she meant to me. I have never been as emotionally attached and comfortable with a person as I am with her. She understands me, and she likes. She has never been like this either.
The reason i dont get attached to people is not because I have erected some conscious barriers to keep people out, its just that ive never had the need to be understood by people. I have an active social life, I have close friends that would probably go to the ends of the world but unfortunately they cant empathize or lend a ear because they cant understand - which is not a failing, or a quality, its just a social dynamic.
LightnessofBeing LightnessofBeing
22-25, M
May 23, 2012