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Wish I Had At Least One Person I Could Talk To Who Would Truely Listen.

   My whole life they've always been there hanging around like moths on an old shirt, sometimes they are nice enough but when it comes to the heart of that matter they cant help but to hiss and growl. I love my family, I really do but I can't help to think if they'd be happier off without me here. I can't stand the constant insult from my four sisters, sure I know bickering is normal between sibling, and I wish it was just that, bickering. I could try to talk to them, but it just gets worse as they couldn't care less and if I do approach them about it well lets just say the things that come out of their mouths are enough to make one slit their own through in disgust of them self. I would never commit suicide, I wouldn't ever dare try but that feeling i get when those moments happen tear me apart a little more each time. I could try to talk to my mother but the insult come from her too and then there are those faces of resent I get whenever she looks at me, how she wishes I were someone else. I've tried to be the daughter she wanted but its never enough so I just try to stay happy. My father i try to talk to him, at least he sometimes stays level headed when I do, but he doesn't hear me, none of them do, and then he just forgets and shrugs it off. my two brothers, the one that's older than me is abusive enough and not just verbally and emotionally like the others, sometimes when he's mad I'm afraid for much more than my heart but no one here could care, they've told me so many, many times.
   Sometimes when it happens I try to hold my tongue for a can't stand to be like them, but just as now I echoed just one of their words, and i know some of you may find it silly how much a resent cussing for the word was just "F.U." but it taunts me if I do so, it rips me to shreds that I could be so vulgar when  provoked enough. I feel I cannot trust anyone with my heart, my feeling, and I wish I was brave enough to tell the entire truth even here, but I cannot because there in the back of my head is their voices telling me how wrong it is to let anyone know of personal or family matters, how no one really cares if I'm in pain and that I will never get anywhere in life.
   Sometimes I feel as though I've lost my mind, that perhaps I'm living in a dream world and at any moment I cold wake up and it would all have just been a nightmare, that my mother would be there to tell me everything is going to be alright, my brothers and sisters might actually like me for who I am and that my father actually is there to protect me that way a father aught to. But then I look in the mirror, tell myself this isn't a dream and that I will be fine "Smile Stephanie, you are beautiful, someone out there does care about you even if you don't know it yet, there's no point worrying or crying over things you cannot change." and I walk back out of my room hoping they might spare me a calm day.
LightingMyOwnWay LightingMyOwnWay 18-21, F 17 Responses Jun 16, 2012

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I would never let anyone get in the way of being the best of who you wanna be.. I doesn't matter what they think or if you will ever be enough.. Once you stop caring what they think or say the path to happiness will follow. I have experienced this first hand I also of four sisters and one bother.. Most of them don't get me or understand me.. I gave up on their approval for anything .. I know they are family but sometimes you need to do what makes you happy,. Put yourself first and find something that makes me happy.. Or find a special place you love to go and just be alone and enjoy the silence...

hi im saddend 2 here u dont get much family support ive had a long lonely iife cause i was missunderstood with being diagnost with illness my family came to understand my previous behaviour hang in there your only young yet

I know how much family dramas can affect you. I have had many over the years from one thing or another. I know it's hard to walk away from times like this. It seems to me that there's no reasoning with them by the sounds of it, so your best off not pitying all your kind and thoughtful energy into changing the situation. Unfortunately we can't change people how ever much we would love to. Sometimes verbal arguments can be more damaging than physical. Just remember your the better party in all of this because you still have morals and the brain to not argue like they do. What usually courses these arguments?

Stephanie, I know exactly how you feel. I had the same feelings with my family most all of my life even now we get along a little better but still not close as the rest of them are. So if ever need to talk hollar at me.

i OMG , I am so sorry and feel for you and I will listen if you want advise try to help.
Please, talk to me? How are you feeling now?

hey, little later on in life then when you posted it, but whatevs.How're you holding up now? If you still feel like you might collapse heres my number (707)391-1558 I realize its risky putting it out there in the public, but i know what its like to want someone to be there for me. So i'll be your friend and get your back.

hey Stephanie , im am the oldest son in my family of ten! i gave everything to my family blood sweat and tears almost died for them many times to keep them protected. as i was growing up i never used to see my father when i would wake up for school he'd be gone and most of the times i would fall asleep before he got home. im 26 now and you know what i learned from him growing up...?? he would come home and if i was to do smtn wrong my mother would tell him and he would beat me he did this for years.... like i said im 26 now and things are alot different well for "me" that is.. i broke up with my fiance 8months ago and believe me im still tramatized untill now. my mother begged for me to come bk home my cousins where telln me she wasn't eatn sleeping... although i didnt want too 100% i had too for my mother. im an arab and your famliys reputation is the most important thing in this world.. that's what i grew up understanding from my parents. we were happy once all ten of us. my sister got married in 2005 and divorced in 2005 word was out that she had cheated on her husband.. i was gettn random calls from ppl telling me the worse things and shutting in my face even people in the middle east got my num and called me... people coming to my house and throwing bottles and shooting at my house. thats not the worse part tho.. i went to my grandfathers house with my mother and my grandfather is like a godfather to his fam. he looked at my mothers eyes in front o me and called her a *****. for what my sister had done.. me and my mom left, all my uncles aunts people i would die for 10000 times for no reason but the simple fact that God created me with a big heart turned there backs on us. so me and my famliy left the state.. and one of my other sister ran away and got pregnant.. when all this was going down and trust those 2 lil things i shared was just a tip of the iceberg. what im tryn to say by all this is "Famliy" the ones we love cherish protect are the ones who hurt you the most! let me fast forward.... i came back to my famliy broken and im still broken because what happened to me and what is still happening to me isint fair. i have no1 the girl i was suppose to marry was cheating on me with her ex as i was working like an idiot for her father.. agian im arab and we do things and take certain things really serious the last moth i was with her i started noticing alot of eye contact from ppl out in the streets soon to find out i was being followed. let me just say i fear only God agian i fear Only GOD i say that because i want you to know i am traumatized.. i cant think i litterly cant i feel ntn good in my heart anymore just pain sorrow deppresion. so when i came home to my famliy with the last amount of hope in me hoping theyll help me deal with whatever im going threw only to find out slowly that there all in away againest me,, i gave them my strenght my heart my life and this is how they return it bk to me.. i am at my lowest ive ever been in my life, i feel like im trapt, i lost all my friends to show my ex how much i loved her... and today litterly 4, 5 hours ago i had a fight wt my sister and my littel brother my mom dad and two other sister and my father told me to leave,, he said i dnt need you get out of my house my littel brother used to look up to me dress like me even talk like me i found him grabbing me from the back and throwing me on the ground... i look at my mother she looked back hoping to hear sm words of comfort and said your Noting u were noting and always be noting... so yea i dnt know wt to do with my life any more im nt working runing low on money nt eating sleep ext.. it feeks like im slowly disappearing.. i dnt think anyone truly understands what im going threw as of now but that doesnt matter anymore. i just want to live agian you know like how can ppl do this to other ppl its not fair and i still find my self in pain more and more everyday with stupid bs memories of my past my ex my fam all of it. i wish it could all stop.. sry o just realized how much i wrote... i dnt even know if its relevant i guess what im tryn to say to you steph is i feel your pain 100% i wish i had the answer for you.. i guess my best advise is be yourself dnt let them change you this world is evil and is tryn to kill everything good. you have a big heart steph and thats why your on this website although your fam is mistreating you to the fullest your still tryn to help them and yourself.. that alone gives you my respect and know that i dnt know who u are at all nor will we ever see each other but i do care for you.. i care if people hurt your heart and know that it hurts mine... if u need sm1 to talk to im here. be safe and may God be with you and your famliy. ameen

You know, there have been many times in my own life where I have had similar thoughts. Obviously, your situation is unique and I do not think for a second that it has any resemblance to my own but I can offer a few words of comfort.....
Sometimes you cannot please those around you and the more you try the more they will resent you. If you are happy with yourself and feel you are doing what is best FOR YOU, then at least you can create some comfort within your life. Insults and indignation from those around you will continue and may even you increase. Like "CHOCOHOLIC65" I believe that being true to you while dealing with these outside negatives is the way to go.

Believe it or not, dealing with this now will empower you in the future. Being somewhat older, I have experienced the same with many everywhere around me. This is especially true in the work force. You will be giving yourself a "leg up" in the future by being able to look at these pathetic people and laugh.

Hang in there and trust me, it is all worth it in the end! :)

Hey, one thing Ive learnt in situations like this is to be true to YOURSELF. "BE YOURSELF". You are beautiful, you are a perfect human being. Big families can sometimes turn into circuses and you feel left out or insignificant. But, you're VERY significant. I am a perfect stranger yet i KNOW you are a decent person. Be strong - Be happy. You have EVERY RIGHT to be yourself and LOVE yourself.
One day this will pass as easily as the morning mist and you will realize how special you are in this universe!
******* Have a magical New Year *******
:)

Hey, I just want to say well done? Seriously, you deal with so much it's incredible? Well done.

Ah being in a big family is difficult isn't it? In my family I have 5 older brothers, one younger brother and 3 older sisters. I get flak constantly, and not the usual banter you'd expect from your siblings, and well, let's not go into my parents.

I know how it feels to completely feel, well alienated almost in your own home, when your home becomes a house i guess, right?

Just remember this, because I think it's definitely worth noting and I try my hardest to remind myself of it as often as I can, ESPECIALLY when everything is going to crap: YOU, have gotten through this, YOU deal with this, YOU have fought to keep your own emotions at bay because you didn't want to make the others get worse, YOU, Stephanie, have the strength to beat this until you can find your happiness, and hey, as crappy and insensitive as it sounds (and i'm saying this from experience), happiness is out there, for you. All this strength you have, all the bad times you've had to weather will pay off and you will have your life, your happiness in the palm of your hand and you will look back on this and say "wow, I did that, I got through that on my own, with so much against me".

And hey, i'm always here to talk, seriously, even if you just want somebody to be weird and ask random, childish questions to take your mind off of things (like: if you could have any 3 super-powers what would they be?).

Smile, you've gotten this far, look at who you are, it's beautiful, this strength isn't something you find in everyday life, in people you meet, so well done.

:)

I know how you feel. Sometimes with a big family you feel unacknowledged and only ever targeted in the worst ways. But people who survive that are strong and can survive anything. At the end of the day, there will always be people who love you, even if you don't know who. You can always talk to me on this site. I'm pretty easy to approach and I've been told I'm good at giving advice, just not to myself. Hope you feel better :)

Have faith sweetheart. Some gave me a inspriational letter and in that letter there was a couple of things that caught my attention it said"If we find ourselves in a sitiuation that we feel uncomfortable we pray for the ones who makes feel this way because they have to go thru life being the way they are" Keep your distance and if you are a rightioues person stay that way dont let noone take you out your lane sweetheart. I have traveled that rode and i have found a short cut and that was to let go and Let GOD Hand in there also

Hang in there. I'm listening and I'm sure others here are also. It sounds like you have been abused, at least emotionally. I'm guessing that's not all. Whatever happened, it is not your fault. It is ok to talk about personal and family matters if you are being hurt. Is there a teacher or a friend's mom that you can confide in? Keep telling yourself, "I'm lovable and capable" (ILAC) There is hope - I've been through a lot - depression,an abusive relationship, etc. and I now think of myself as a survivor. You will be one too.

well i really wish i could make yoou feel better !! well just keep holding on , it will get better some day !! just hold on , life always suprises us !! i'm sure everything will get better! meanwhile feel free to contact me if u wanna talk or take your mind off the problems !! i also had my share of probs during my 19 years of life but i'm learning how to leave them behind and how to handle stuff so it doesn't destroy me !! huggs don't give up sweety

I care. U can trust me. And u can tell me anything.. I keep alot locked up inside to. But keeping things inside hurts worse. Its ok to cry, to hurt, and to fall apart sometimes.. If u ever need to talk u know where to find me

I understand what you're going through lightingmyownway. I was there for so many years. But there can be a way to escape. One way to begin is to take the advice of your screen name "Lighting My Own Way. If you truly decide to take your own advice may I suggest maybe seeking therapy it really does help and always remember God is just a prayer away. Don't give up sweetie you are certainly worth fight for you just need a little help.

*hugs* I'm sorry you feel that way about your family. Sometime the one we love the most is the one who bring us dow but matter what, remember you always loved, always have, always will. And everything will be okay...and yes someone care *hugs*