Wish I Had At Least One Person I Could Talk To Who Would Truely Listen.My whole life they've always been there hanging around like moths on an old shirt, sometimes they are nice enough but when it comes to the heart of that matter they cant help but to hiss and growl. I love my family, I really do but I can't help to think if they'd be happier off without me here. I can't stand the constant insult from my four sisters, sure I know bickering is normal between sibling, and I wish it was just that, bickering. I could try to talk to them, but it just gets worse as they couldn't care less and if I do approach them about it well lets just say the things that come out of their mouths are enough to make one slit their own through in disgust of them self. I would never commit suicide, I wouldn't ever dare try but that feeling i get when those moments happen tear me apart a little more each time. I could try to talk to my mother but the insult come from her too and then there are those faces of resent I get whenever she looks at me, how she wishes I were someone else. I've tried to be the daughter she wanted but its never enough so I just try to stay happy. My father i try to talk to him, at least he sometimes stays level headed when I do, but he doesn't hear me, none of them do, and then he just forgets and shrugs it off. my two brothers, the one that's older than me is abusive enough and not just verbally and emotionally like the others, sometimes when he's mad I'm afraid for much more than my heart but no one here could care, they've told me so many, many times.
Sometimes when it happens I try to hold my tongue for a can't stand to be like them, but just as now I echoed just one of their words, and i know some of you may find it silly how much a resent cussing for the word was just "F.U." but it taunts me if I do so, it rips me to shreds that I could be so vulgar when provoked enough. I feel I cannot trust anyone with my heart, my feeling, and I wish I was brave enough to tell the entire truth even here, but I cannot because there in the back of my head is their voices telling me how wrong it is to let anyone know of personal or family matters, how no one really cares if I'm in pain and that I will never get anywhere in life.
Sometimes I feel as though I've lost my mind, that perhaps I'm living in a dream world and at any moment I cold wake up and it would all have just been a nightmare, that my mother would be there to tell me everything is going to be alright, my brothers and sisters might actually like me for who I am and that my father actually is there to protect me that way a father aught to. But then I look in the mirror, tell myself this isn't a dream and that I will be fine "Smile Stephanie, you are beautiful, someone out there does care about you even if you don't know it yet, there's no point worrying or crying over things you cannot change." and I walk back out of my room hoping they might spare me a calm day.