Desperate

I am struggling with my past, present, and future. I have made poor choices in my life that have dragged me down a very difficult path. A path that I have troubles rerouting to one that will end with holding my girls again, being able to tuck them in every night as a mother should, send them off to school, watch them grow more and more each day. I regret the choice I made to put my faith in the wrong man. A man who I later found had the wrong and evil intentions of separating me from my girls. One who was not alone in this but was and still is led by an even more evil and wretched women, his mother. A mother who told me one day those girls would be hers and they would call her mom and not me. I ignored my gut instincts that told me to take my girls and get as far away from these people while I could, when I could, and instead stood by him in the belief that he truly loved me and he would get better. Because of this they won, they have my beautiful baby girls. For five years before this happened there father and grandmother abused me with not just their fists but their words as well. And even though the abuse went as far as putting a cigarette out on my chest their words burned much deeper and have still yet to totally heal. The worst part is that they continue to torment me with lawsuits, harassing phone calls, threats, and more. Even though they took not only my children but everything I owned they still try to take more. It is as if the only mission in their lives is to see me suffer. I have chosen to try and stand up for myself and fight back. I lived on the streets in the hot summer of Phoenix, AZ for five months but continued to try to find my way back out of the dark depths I found myself in. I have come a long way in this fight. Thanks to my mother I have been in the same house for three years, obtained a bachelor in the science of psychology degree with a 3.8GPA, been accepted to the master’s in counseling program and will hopefully after three years be licensed to practice counseling, but I still am only able to hold and love my girls for 4.25 days out of a month. I know that I should be grateful and I am grateful for this but I long for a day when they are with me again and I don't have to face my abusers every other weekend when I am allowed, only by fighting back in court and winning, able to pick up my girls, or in court when they are suing me because they seem to think they have not taken enough, or when I am allowed by the court to call them three days a week. I know that I have made some very poor choices in life but I feel that I have proven that I can and should be allowed to once again raise my baby girls into beautiful women and that my abusers should not be allowed this privilege. My faith in god has gotten me through many things but I am struggling with the fact that money always wins. I have been unable to find a job that does not judge me for my past mistakes but looks at my accomplishments and abilities. Since I have yet to find this job I do not have the money that is needed to obtain a lawyer who will fight for me against my abusers lawyer. I can make payments, however finding a lawyer who will take just payments and not a large lump sum of money first seems futile. If I was rich I would not be in this situation, I would be with my girls, and my abusers would be in my past but because they have money and I have little I am sure they will win in court again and I will not be able to return my girls to their rightful place with their mother. Every time I see my abusers I have to stay strong for my children and act like nothing has happened and nothing is still happening. They love their grandmother and father and do not know what they have done and continue to do to me but they are filled with lies and have to hear both of them talk badly about me. I am a good person and they are truly evil. It seems that good does not win and no matter how hard I try I will never have my girls again, a home of my own, a wonderful career (even when I obtain my doctorate) because evil always wins not good and people only see that bad things that are written on paper and do not look at the good or listen to why those things are there. There is so much more that has happened, that is happening, that I want to say but I have probably said enough. I will continue to pray but I am struggling to stay strong enough to continue trying, continue believing, continue breathing....
long1bobbie long1bobbie
31-35
1 Response Sep 10, 2012

OH MY GOSH SOMETHING SO SIMILAR HAPPENED TO MY MOM ! ! ! And we kids were taken from her and given into the hands of evil people .<br />
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BELIEVE me when I say that everything happens for a reason . This world is so filled with evil and tragedies and always has been . You are right , evil wins here or at least mostly has . Evil runs this world , which is why it is such a mess , all these poor and starving people everywhere for example .<br />
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God allows it because earth is our school , not our home . Even if we obtained everything we desired in this world it would not matter , because it is all fleeting dust and when it is over , life will all probably seem like it happened in a moment . You are very strong in Spirit and have learned many Lessons and are doing what You should be doing ! ! ! :) Regret is a voice from Hell ; never listen to its lies . God is with you every moment and sees your pain . Never give up , you have come too far already for that ! ! Bless you .