Meh I Guess :/

Well, i don't really know how i feel about this but i don't know where else to go. To start, I'm a 24 year old male that is genuinely kind hearted and I try to do anything i can for anyone that needs it. I'm scared to ask for help though. I'm on here because when I stay up all night with the voices screaming at me and I feel like I am at my breaking point, I never have anyone to talk to. When i try to talk to my friends I feel like a burden and especially during the nights i don't want to wake them. Tonight has been bad enough that i called the help line for my work but hung up the phone when the machine told me to "push 3 for a mental health emergency" because i just don't know what it is and worried that they will turn me away because I am not looking to kill myself. I used to be stronger, I used to not let the hard parts of life affect me, but I'm a pushover and too many have been taking too much, for too long, and i cant really take it anymore.

Everything really started to crumble a few months back, I'm not sure exactly when because days and weeks are all running together anymore. I have a group of people i camp with, they are my extended family and I grew up around them. There are times that they matter more to me then my real family. One of these campers, his name was Brian, passed away. He felt like he was a brother to me, he was one of the few campers that didn't treat me as a kid but as a peer. He meant so much to me and I didn't even know it until he passed away. I still miss him. Even now just typing this I'm having to pause because I'm crying. The loss shook me to the point where i closed down and lost friends, i left a 2 year relationship because all i could think is that if i stopped having people in my life that i couldn't be left anymore. Instead of seeking counseling and help I stumbled into another relationship with a girl from work shortly after because the attention felt good after being isolated. I dove in too deep and fell for her in a matter of weeks, then she left me. I have to see her everyday and she went from someone that seemed to care about me and love me to someone that only cared about herself. She continues to be in my life and continues to hurt me but if i mention it, she always makes it seem like I'm the bad guy. I still care about her and I still want to be with her.

Work is another factor of breaking. I work in retail and I hate it, but i don't have the money to go back to school and I'm scared that even if I did, I wouldn't be able to make it in college. So I have been working towards management to at least make a somewhat livable wage. My manager got promoted so they gave me the chance to prove myself by letting me take on his duties and told me that once I went through the proper channels of applying for the position and doing the interview that i would be given the job. Well working for a couple months now as a manager without being paid any more then when i was a clerk, and not being given anything more then a title of "intern" has created a lot of stress. I'm giving more tasks then i can possibly accomplish and no tools to even start them. To make matters worse, they recently told me that they are giving the management position I have been working towards to someone else and that I have to train him to do the job. It makes me so angry I just want to scream, but I cant even quit because I need the money and I don't have anywhere else to work.

To finalize this, I found out tonight that my ex that i still care about decided to send my best friend risqué pictures of herself. I've always felt like I'm inadequate, and my girlfriends have always talked about how they wanted to be with him after it didn't work out with me or how they would have been dating him if they knew him first, but this is the first time one has actually crossed the line of attempting, and to make matters worse, he responded with a picture of his own.

I feel hopeless, lost, hurt, and just sad. I've started to hurt myself not because it feels good but because it seems to be the only way to get these people in my life to actually listen to me and at least act like they care for any amount of time. My trust has been shattered, and i just don't know what to do anymore. I've been crying for most of typing this and this is the shortened version of what has been going on just including the stuff that is tearing at my mind right now. I wish that i didn't have a heart, and that I could be emotionless and uncaring of others, but thats not who I am. I'm a guy that gives of himself to others but can't seem to find anyone to give of themselves to me, and too much has been used up without any given back, i just want the pain and sadness to stop.

Thank you to those of you that have read this. I appreciate the time you have taken. I really don't know where to go from here though, i don't see an upturn in my future with the path that I am on. I just need some help.
fairsight3 fairsight3
22-25, M
Sep 18, 2012