I Don't Know What To Do Anymore.

My whole life I have always been this independent, assertive goal-oriented person. I do good in school, I have friends, but I don't have connections. I can never connect with people. I don't have emotions. If someone dies, I am not sad. if someone gets hurt, I don't get why they make such a big deal. If you break up with your boyfriend, big deal get over it. I've always been like that, or at least I think so. Recently, I've been trying to realize why I've been gaining so much weight, and I think I finally realized it was linked to my emotional deprivation. I don't trust ANYONE. I don't talk to anyone about anything. I listen. I always listen. I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I don't have anything to do. I eat if I feel like I need something in my mouth. And I actually feel like its ok. Now that I've been driving more and I have a car, I've been having spontaneous fast food runs at school. I could have all my meals for a day at fast food places and not feel bad. I feel bad right before and after, but not during. When I'm standing in line I think, "I shouldn't be here, this is bad," but i still do it. I don't tell anyone because I don't want to burden them and honestly I'm just embarrassed. My mom tells me I play the victim. I feel like she may also be another problem why I feel like I have no connections and I eat too much. My mother verbally abuses me. She says she had no choice, that I do things to make her say stuff, but I think everyone always has a choice. And if she chooses to treat me that way then it was her decision. She calls me names, and tells me im dirty, disgusting, stupid. She looks at me with disgust at my body. Both parents tell me they don't understand how I let my body get this way. Like I'm not actually inside of my boddy, its just a physical figure, not mental or emotional. She tells me that one day I'm going to eat so much i'm going to end up like a whale. The person that I'm supposed to trust, love, and be comfortable around has me on edge at all times. She prevents me from believing anything that anyone ever says to me because she tells me I love you and that she's just trying to do the best for me, but then she goes and calls me all these names and makes me feel horrible. When she yells, I eat. When she gets mad, I eat. I eat in private. I take stuff to my room and just eat. I feel like all the time I need to eat because I have some void to fill. I have friends that I talk to every single day, I do homework with, I go over their houses, and honestly? If they never talked to me again I would be ok. And that's what scares me. I don't care about people and what they think. I sit at home on the computer all the time because the internet always has something for me to do. I eat because noone calls me, noone texts me, noone tells me they care. And I know its not a one way street, but I'm also the type of person who thinks that I'm a bother. If i see you somewhere, I won't say hi until you tell me hi because i dont think you want to see me. That's just who I am. I always put up a front. If you saw me at school or at the mall you would think "Wow , that girl has it all put together," because I'm the girl who's always all dressed up, with makeup, and fashionable outfits that make me look like i took hours to get ready. And sometimes I do. i LIKE getting ready in the morning. But if i dressed like i felt, i would look like crap. i just need help. I have noone to talk too. Noone to listen to ME. I started going to a dietician, and in the past month I've gained 5 lbs. I am now 5'10 and 236 lbs. My mother looks at me and says, "I always thought you would be different." My dad forces me to weigh myself on a scale once a month every saturday, and if i refuse he threatens to hit me (not abusive, i have spanish parents this is normal but its just the fact that he would resort to hitting me so i can weigh myself is what's extreme.) Thye say "I don't know what you're doing with you're life, you've gone off track. I'm seventeen, about to graduate high school with my associate's degree. Do i sound off track to you? My whole life, my parents say things to me that they dont realize affects me. the whole "sticks and stones may break my bones but words may never hurt me" is not true. If someone repeats things to you over and over and over and over again, you will question it. I sit here wondering " am i really stupid? am i really disgusting?" But then the sensible part of me kicks in and helps me up. i have issues with my body that would make anyone depressed. My hair wont grow because I have a scalp issue that makes my hair have extreme buikdup, but my mom won;t take me to a doctor to get it diagnosed. She thinks its my fault and if i just wash my hair a lot it will go away. My hair has been like this for 3 -5 years. Something is obviously wrong. I have extreme sweating all the time, even when i sit down and do nothing in a perfectly normal room temperature enviornment. My mom says its because Im overweight, which i understand could be a cause, but this is not mild, it is to the extreme. I have stretch marks that run from my left side all the way past the front to my right side. My mom says just put lotion it goes away. But it doens't and im the one who has to live with it. she doesn't see that while i understand i am overweight, im trying to work on it. and telling me what is wrong helps noone becausein the end you may feel bad for me but im the one who has to live with it. I have learned to ignore and attack her instead. She doesn't understand why I treat her so bad and its because around her i feel like i can't take a compliment because i have to be ready for what's coming next. ive been going to the gym and i try i swear i do, but when i want food i become like a robot with only one destination. i need someone to turn to in moments like this. that i can say help me now, i feel alone. Because today for the first time, I admitted to myself that I AM ALONE. I have family, but they are not my people who are there for me. I have friends who are so blinded by my facade they can't see past it. I am so alone that even a stranger is better than the people who are close to me. I've had people come up to me and ask me when im walking down the street if im ok because they see my eeye and the pain when i relive moments. i just need someone. im not suicidal, im too smart for that. but at this rate, ill explode from all the food i will need to fill the hole that's been left from the void of emotions. i have no emotions. no feelings. no nothing. i cry. alot. for no reason sometimes. i cry for everything, even if im trying to make a point to a higher authority, i just cry. thats the only emotion i feel. but im not sad. i just cry. i feel no shame. no guilt. just tears out my eyes. i keep everything in my head because i dont have that one person i can tell everything to. i just dont. im not a people person and never will be. i just want to talk. i have more to say. i realize this is all over the place but i just typed as i thought and this is what cam out. im sorry. thats another thing, i say that im sorry alot. for everything. even if i didnt do it, i still feel at fault. but i guess that's a feeling isnt it?
pinkny14 pinkny14
18-21
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Hey PinkNY, just want you to know that I read your story, and I feel for you and care about you.

I know it sounds trite, but the first step in having others love you, is to learn to love yourself. Right now, I don't think you love yourself...you're seeing all of your flaws and letting them hold up your life.

But everyone has flaws. So yours happens to be weight and your hair, etc. but there are some people who can't see. Others have no arms and legs. Some die before they reach your age of cancer or another terrible disease. Step #1 is to appreciate how good you actually have it...as bad as things seem, you're actually exceptionally fortunate and it helps to remind yourself of that.

Step #2: once you recognize how fortunate you ACTUALLY are, you need to start feeling it...and a great way to do that is to VOLUNTEER! Go to a hospital and see if you can volunteer in the cancer ward, or read a book to someone in a nursing home, or help a mentally retarded child with reading...there are so many possibilities where you can make a contribution and the love you give to others will come back to you in bounds.

Step #3: Forget asking your parents for this, or that...if you want to begin to tackle your weight, get online and find yourself an exercise that you enjoy doing and that won't be too difficult: and then start doing it. It doesn't matter how small or simple, just get it going, and soon you'll want to do more, then more, then more...You don't have to become a twig or have a model physique, but it's the point of YOU taking the control from your parents and making your OWN decisions about your health. That means telling your mom you need her insurance card, calling the doctor on your own, AND GOING! Don't wait around for your parents to fix the problems...take charge and that will become your new motto.

Just some steps to get going...take your time and remember you are loved even if it may not be so evident.

- With love and best wishes from New York.