I Am Just So Sad

I can't even remember the last time I was happy. I am totally exhausted all the time and it just dawned on me today that I am so tired because I spend every waking moment fighting off tears. If I let my guard down, I will just weep. I wake up at night sometimes crying and I don't know why. I don't laugh any more. I don't smile. I always wish I was anywhere but where I am at. I can't find joy in life anymore. Everyday is just another period of time to get through. I don't wish for time to pass, I just wish the day was done.
I think back 20 years ago when I was happy and glad for the day to begin and hated for it to end. I try to think what was different, what was I so happy about and I just don't know. I didn't have a lot of money, no great career (just a job), I took care of house, kids, etc. I worked all the time and played hard when I had the chance. And just simple things, a day at the lake, a backyard BBQ, a fair or other holiday event. No fabulous cruises or foreign vacations. A big weekend was to go to my Dad's for the weekend in AZ and just hang with him.
I used to dance and sing and be happy. I was glad to be alive. Now I just wish it would get dark outside so I could go to sleep and maybe stay asleep all night and not wake up sick at heart and weeping.
I don't have anyone to just talk to. No close friends. I feel so isollated and I don't know how or what to do to change it. I am just so tired of feeling sad and lonely and alone.
RuthieD RuthieD
51-55
2 Responses Nov 27, 2012

I want to be happy too :'(

What happened to change it all for you?
I am in the same boat ,but because i lost the love of my life.

I don't know. I am just unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. I just remember being happy and I just can't find it now.

Oh, I am so rude, I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is so wonderful to be able to look into a face and just be happy to bask in the glow. That's another thing missing in my life, but I don't think that is the reason I just feel so sad.