I Feel Lonely In This Crowd

I admit I'm kind of a loner. But it's not by nature, but due to circumstances. All my friends (or I thought they were) have changed over time. Since they got married, they only get in touch with me if they need a favor from me. Months go by before I hear from them.
At work, I can't trust anyone at all. I can't do bad politics and walk over somebody to get ahead in the carrier. But, others keep doing that to me. Thankfully, I've been able to survive based my work skills and my superiors who understand how I am.
But, once I'm outside office, I'm totally alone. I have nobody to talk to. I don't want to bother my parents and anyway, I'm a grown up. But, sometimes, the loneliness becomes too much.
I try occupying myself in doing outdoor activities because that's what I like and because that's where I feel comfortable. But, there are times when I want to go to movie, a breakfast, a dinner, and I have no one, no one who I can go with, connect with, enjoy with.
I go on drives alone in the middle of the night when it becomes too much. I drive hundreds of miles on weekend alone. Take trips alone.
Why do I do this? Because, IT'S MUCH BETTER TO BE ALONE AMONG STRANGERS THAN TO FEEL LONELY AMONG "friends and people I know".
I avoid social gatherings because that's where the people are always judging, evaluating me, forming opinions about me. Makes me totally uncomfortable.
Why can't people let others be just themselves?
I wish I knew how to be charismatic like other guys. Women are always judging me without even giving me a chance to be myself, without even really understanding me. I have no clue what is it that I do wrong. I am always straight forward with everyone, never tried to take advantage of anyone, have been very conscientious. Sometimes, I feel I should also lie and cheat just to make others feel happy, to get what I want.
Wow!! This was a lot that I have told anyone... ever.
I hope I didn't offend anyone.
madcap228 madcap228
26-30, M
Dec 1, 2012