Why Am I Still Here?

I don't really know what to do anymore I am only 15 years old and Im still a kid I don't even think I deserve all of this, I have no one in life I feel alone my so called "best friends" don't even talk to me I only have one friend in school and at home I feel like no one cares about me even though they say they do. I try to stay in school as much as possible just because as soon as a I get home something is always wrong (I live with my parents,sister, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and 1 cousin) there's is not one day were they don't argue and I always have to get involve its just annoying, Sadly my grandma passed away last year I saw her take her last breath words can't describe all the pain I felt I feel alone she was like a mother to me she was the reason why my whole family stayed together now that she's gone my family is always arguing and life is just not the same without her and till this day I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up I feel alone and unwanted but I'm to scared to do anything or say anything. I don't tell anyone about my problems because I don't want people to feel sorry for me I'm that kind of person that always acts like everything is fine but it's really not I just want to be happy again just like the old times I'm only 15 I shouldn't be thinking about all of this I just don't know what to do anymore I'm scared to trust people because they always end up talking about me behind my back. I suffer from depression and I want to get help but I just don't have time and I feel no one could help me. I don't know what to do anymore one of these days I feel like I'm not going to take it anymore and I'll just give up.
Idknowanymore Idknowanymore
13-15, F
2 Responses Jan 15, 2013

hey If you want to talk to someone, Ill listen to you, I hope you will feel a relief.

Hey kiddo. I know it sucks when you feel like nothing's ever going to get better and it's hopeless. The truth is that life will go on, and you can get some independence from these family influences that are having a negative impact on your life. It's hard when you don't wanna go home because your whole family is dysfunctional. I know, I had a dysfunctional home growing up with neglect, and awkward silences and basically a shell of a parent. Not the same I know but my friend had a home where his mom and stepdad got in shouting matches all the time, and she manipulated and abused him. I was close to him and he told me everything, and my other friend had the same thing going on. He eventually had to stand up to his stepdad with a metal baseball bat and tell him to f* off.

If it helps at all, remember at all times that you are in control of your destiny. The outside world you can't control, but you can always control how you react. You may be a victim of abuse, that's true, but it doesn't have to ruin your life. If your family gets really scary, talk to a counselor and get social services involved. You don't have to be a victim forever. When you're 18, or even sometimes sooner, you can get out of there and find people who appreciate you for who you are, trust me there's hundreds who will. It's just a tough time that's giving you the opportunity to look at yourself and the world and start trying to find some answers. You may not have the support you need now, but I promise if you look for it you can find it. People care. I don't know you but I read your thoughts and I care enough to let you know there is a reason to live. You can always find a way, you just have to believe in yourself, I mean it you have to look at what's going on and realize you deserve better.

You're only 15, you can do it and there are so many positive and happy moments ahead of you. Even if you don't think so they will happen, it's just life. Believe, don't give up. I believe in you.