My Life - Abuse, Pain, Suffering, Hell!!!

Lets make a brief of my life up to now! 

When I was younger (about the age of 6) my mum would always hit my dad, we used to always witness and hear it up until my dad finally moved out when I was at the age of 10-11. 

When dad did leave, mum would turn on me and my brother (3 years older than me), she drank heavy and took drugs. she would constantly abuse us (physically and mentally) and didn't give a crap about how we was feeling and living. 

From a young age at school I also got bullied (from the age of around 7 to the age of 14!) I was suffering, but I didn't want to tell myself I was suffering because I never wanted to believe any of it all!

Not only that! When I was aged 11 someone very close to me would also hurt me!! (sexually) he done unspeakable things to me! but at that age I was confused, and with stuff going on with my mum, I shut everything out as 'normal' (EVERYTHING!) He stopped doing stuff to me when I was half through the age of 13! And after that I stopped remembering and tried to forget it all! 

I knew everything was wrong! I got depressed and school work was not helping me!

Eventually, I told school about my mum in February 2011! It was the bestest thing I had ever done in my life! I was free of abuse altogether and I became Independent. I have been living with my grandmother since and learnt allot about my mum's childhood and how her past has led to how she acts now!

So its been almost a whole year since I have been COMPLETELY free of sh*t (well there's been allot of arguments in 2012 and it was the hardest year of my life!!) I left school and started college (my friends there are awesome!!) and I got my first ever dog! (husky wolf-hybrid, that is a HUGE amount of work!! she is 10 months old now) 

but over the past few months... I have non stop been thinking about the situation that hold me hostage back when I was 11 (the sexual one) Its taken full hold of me and its haunting me soo bad!!!

I cant change the past! I know this! and I also know things can get better... this person is out of my life 'at the moment'! he can easily come back into my life and start visiting my Nan!! and I cannot stop him! no one in my family knows... and this guy is popular... Everyone at my school knew him and he stopped most kids from bullying me! he could simply get everyone to hate me! and I have a fear everyone would hate me! okay... I know its not my fault, but I feel soo guilty and disgusting for even 'letting him' hurt me like he did! I am not religious or anything, but my family would HATE me!! I feel this should never reach my family! my family is violent and I also worry they will hurt him, I also worry for 'his' life!! he has a future, a good future!! 

But aside from that, a few weeks back, I had a mental breakdown! I was over thinking about 'him' and I started to go mental!! I started shaking and crying!! next thing I know... I am trying to rip my hair out and banging my head on the wall! then I remember searching my room! ... I found a pair of scissors.. and after about 5 minutes of telling myself to calm down and don't do what I am going to do! I lose all my hope! ... I start cutting myself!! In doing so.. afterwards, (this lasted about 3 hours) I felt calm! really calm. Then I felt happy again, but also felt stupid for self-harming! But as I cut myself, it hurt, but the pain numbed my emotional pain! It helped me cope at that stage and It made me feel like I was still alive in a sense. that if I didn't cut, I would have done something much worse, It was my last resort, and my outlet!! But ever since then... every day!! I have been self-harming! and it has been a way of dealing with my pain and anger, once I have done so, I feel in control of my own body and feel completely relaxed! The bad thing though is that I have to keep the scars covered in case anybody finds out! 

I have spoken to the college counsellor, I am seeking help and she is lovely! But I don't feel like it has helped! I am going to keep seeing her though and keep trying! 

I would like to say to everyone!! 
"PLEASE NEVER START TO SELF-HARM!!! IT IS ADDICTIVE!! AND IT SCARS YOU!!" to those who do self-harm! stay strong! (people cannot tell you to stop! its not as easy as that!!) I respect everyone, and to the judgemental people.... "DON'T F*CKING JUDGE WHAT YOU DON'T F*CKING KNOW!!!!!" If someone has had something bad happen to them in life, Wether it be big or small... It can ruin a life! and people who want to throw in nasty comments or jokes at them are B*sta*ds! we, as people, suffer enough sh*t without other people making things much worse for them! If you know anyone who has been in a bad situation, or even self-harm's ... respect them.. and understand that they are NOT after attention. they hurt themselves because its their way of knowing they are still alive and that they can cope in doing so!!! 

Also, If you ever need anyone to talk to... I am ALWAYS here! just having someone listen is always nice! my friends have been fantastic during the last year and I love the support I have gotten from them!!! PM me if ever you need a shoulder to cry on!! 

THANK YOU FOR READING!!!! 

kidtareth kidtareth
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 18, 2013

Maybe it is time to speak to a different counsler who can help, never feel guilty for what was done to you, you did not allow or deserve it you where a child. I truly do not believe your family would hate you if you told, I say this as I felt the same way when it happend to me as a young child but once I told I had a lot of support.... cutting is not the answer it is just a new problem

Thank you! My college only has 2 counsellors ... a man and a woman, I would rather speak to a woman but she just didn't help. I live with my grandmother, but I was thinking all last night... should I tell her? could I tell her? and the BIG question.... HOW would I tell her?? I am scared to find out her reaction, I don't know what she would do/say :( I am trying to find out What to say and How to say it! But Cutting helps me calm my emotions, I feel relaxed after doing so, I know it is wrong and is also another problem. But its my outlet! :) again... thanks!! *hugs*

I truly believed everyone would think I was lying because of who it was and I had more support than I could have ever imagined. I truly hope that you figure out someone in your family that you feel you can talk to. Do not worry about the other person future as they did not worry about yours when they where doing those awful things to you and what you would have to live with or how it would affect your life. Talking about it does help but not always easy and I am not saying I do not understand the cutting I am just saying it is not the answer. Maybe you can find a counsler outside of your college or even a pastor if your family goes to church (they can not tell anyone what you talk about either). I hope for your sake you are able to find the help you need as this is a very hard thing to have to live with ecspecially if you have to keep it all in or if you feel like the bad one believe me I felt I had to for many years.

If you ever need someone to chat with or to just listen feel free to send me a message, I know this is very hard for u and I commend you for writing about it.

thankyou! :) If you don't mind me asking.... ? How did you tell someone?

I finally told my older sister, I felt I could not keep it in anylonger and I just told her something really bad had happened to me. We sat and cried as I told her all the details and then she helped me tell my mom.

awh that is lovely of her :) I dont have a sister, someof my very close friends know but I dont know who in my family I could trust. I dont speak to my mum (it all happened when i lived with her) I dont blame my mum but she did treat my cousin like her own son. even though my mum abused me mentally and physically I am free from her but she never knew about my cousin so I dont blame any of my family, only him. maybe i could write it to her? :)

write to my nan i meant! :p

Maybe writing it would make it easier for you and I truly dont think your grandma would be mad at you for telling besides just think you maybe saving someone else from him.

I am writing a letter to her now :) I dont think he would do it to anyone else... I think he has changed, which is why im scared of saying anything because he stopped doing stuff to me. :/

I wish you the best of luck and think you are a brave young girl.

I gave the letter this morning before I went to college :) I come home and she wrote a reply to my letter and spoke to me after I read it. She believed me! :D and said she wants nothing more to do with my cousin! :3 x thank you for your help Hun! <3

You are so very welcome and I am happy I was able to help... This is the first step to you truly healing, I hope this helps you to talk about it and heal. I wish you the best of luck and if you ver need to chat feel free to send me a message.

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