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My Life Is Juast Falling Apart

I am a young mother of 2. And when life just started to get easy. Everything just started to fall apart slowly right in front of my eyes.  I cant do anything to make it better. I lost my job in Novemeber. My family and I moved in with my mother to try and help so we dont get behind on our bills. But with my mother in the picture it is breaking my marriage apart where my husband doesnt even want to come home any more. He stays at his sisters house instead. He pushes me further and further out the picture. Fights so bad he threatnes to leave us. I just been certified for a nurse assistant. But still dont make half of what we use to. I get questioned for every dallor i spend. I dont know what to do anymore. I want to give up in life.... if it were not for my kids I dont know what I would do........

xxsesjluvxx xxsesjluvxx 22-25 25 Responses Aug 9, 2009

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hey

The does sound difficult, and I wish there was something I could do to help you. *hugs* But you should be proud that, unlike a lot of people, you aren't willing to give up. You have seeked help within your family, and you got another job, even if it's a lower pay. That's a lot more than a lot of people would be willing to do.

I'm sorry that your mother is making it difficult though. It doesn't sound like she's making it easier for you or your husband to work out the situation. From what I can see, your mother is trying to help, but perhaps she's being too abrasive. I hope you, her, and your husband can have a sit down and long talk abou it all, just to clear the air and reach an understanding. Moreover, I hope that it turns out that way.

I can't come close to understanding how heart wrenchingly difficult it must be, and my heart goes out to you. If you need to talk about it, or if you need some advice, reply or friend me, and I'd love to chat!

OF COURSE you are overwhelmed. Anyone would be. Unfortunately, you don't give us enough information, so we can't be very helpful in making suggestions. I assume there are problems between your mother and husband, and maybe between your mother and you. Let me point out a couple of things that won't necessarily make your life easier but may help your perspective. 1. Your mother didn't have to let your family move into her home. Whether she is trying to be helpful when she speaks or trying to make you/your husband as miserable as possible, she didn't have to let the four of you move into her home. Doing so has restricted how she gets to live in her own home and most likely been a burden to her (unless she is so wealthy and her house is so large that you are in a separate wing of it and she doesn't even know you're there. I think that's highly unlikely. 2. Your husband is taking the easy way out. He is leaving all of the responsibility and work -- burden -- of having two small children on you. What a great guy! Not. You are doing all the work, he is hiding at his sister's where he doesn't have to lift a finger or listen to a thing, and then he has the nerve to argue with you and threaten to leave. The next time he threatens to leave, you look him straight in the eye and say, "child support." Let a court order him to pay you 80% or 90% of his salary to you to support HIS children. Let a court order him to spend every weekend with his children -- doing all the work required of a parent. Don't let him get out of his responsibilities by hiding at his sister's. Wouldn't you like to have a quiet evening? A free weekend so you can sleep in, read a book, take a bubble bath, have a fun afternoon with friends, get up in the morning and off to work without having children to take care of, too? See what I mean? HE has taken the easy way out and dumped all of the responsibility on you. A legal separation "until you work things out" may be just what you need. Either that's what happens, or you get some help from him that he isn't voluntarily providing and is responsible for.

Make your husband take the kids for four hours, and take your mother out to lunch. Talk to her as if she were a girlfriend and have a good time together chatting and laughing. Or laugh about funny times when you were growing up. Then, the two of you talk about the difficulties of your current living arrangement and work out some solutions so life is happy in your shared home. Make sure she understands how much you appreciate what she is doing for you, that it is a hardship on her that she didn't have to do and you are grateful for her. (At the same time, that doesn't mean she gets to abuse anyone in your family -- that is not the price of her generosity.) What changes can be made that will make life easier for the four of you: her, you, each of the children? If there are changes that can be made that will make life better for the five of you, even better.

I don't know who is questioning your spending. Make sure you are spending only on necessities and to make your children's lives good. They don't have to have everything. Very young children need attention more than toys, and the library has free story books and videos. There are free videos online. Imagination may be the best toy. Once that is the case, tell whoever is questioning you -- one time -- where your money is going and why, and ignore every other question and comment. If it is your husband, that is another of his control games -- like hiding at his sister's and threatening to leave. If it is your mother, after you have accounted once for your spending (all legitimate expenses and what your children need to live, not exist), that's it. Stand up to your husband and demand he fulfill his responsibilities and treat you with the respect you deserve. You do most of that by your actions (and not reacting to his manipulation). He is manipulating you, and from now on, you simply don't allow it. You don't listen to it (walk away), you don't react to it, and you don't let him get away with being less than a responsible, supportive husband and father. You should probably call your Mental Health Department and get a counselor/therapist. Their fee schedule is matched to your income, and a therapist can be very valuable to you -- more than advice from strangers who don't know anything other than the little you said. Make a little time for yourself every day -- maybe only a half hour bath or reading after the kids are in bed, but you need that "me time." Consider giving your mom a hug every night and thanking her for helping you get through today. (That may be a phone call to your sister-in-law, too. *L*)

Definitely make that appointment with Mental Health so you get much needed support and help re-arranging the situation so it is better. There is probably lots of help out there available to you that you don't know about but the counselor will. You may very well qualify for food stamps or subsidized childcare, Medicaid for medical expenses for the children -- all sorts of things.

The very best to you.

There's a lot going on and I have no kids but I seen things that make me want to give up. If your tohughts are always ending in negative outcome don't sweat it. Try to think of things in a positive. For example you have kids that keep you on your feet, you have mom who gave you and your kids a place to stay, and you got a job. It may not be the best money making job but as least it keeps you moving. If your husband don't want to be there leave him....you parents are the ones who have been there most of your life and still are.

This sounds really cliche, I know, but it's true. God often shuts the door, and opens a window. May you find your window. I really think all this won't last too long, just remember, life has many valleys and mountains, and right now, you're in a valley. Don't lose sight of the mountains though. Good luck.

wow, what a rough patch. life only gives you what you can handle, so i suggest communication with your husband, your mother and your kids. sit down with everyone and make a team plan, let them know how the situation is affecting you, let everyone have a say. families are stronger together, keep trying my dear.

You only have two choices....lay down or stand. Pick stand...fix it. You can only control yourself.

I would suggest therapy to help get through this. He needs to be there for you and needs to realize there are a lot of people facing difficult times. I don't think he appreciates how wonderful you are. I with the best for you.

You can lean on me. XOXO

Have faith and eventually things will get better. :-)

i understand how you feel but i must question to a degree of the love between you and your husband.<br />
as a man i would endure almost any thing to be with a women and children i loved even living with inlaws,a caravan or even a tent/<br />
surely when things are tough thats a time to fight together and not with each other/<br />
unfortunately i think your marriage may have already under some strain but just ask your husband what he wants you to do.

how are things at the moment

o lord girl i well do i kno this picture that used to be me put it like dis im am a grown *** woman i take care of my 2 kids i can play miss bad *** if i want to i can do bad by my self i dont need you put his *** on child support and find happy ness it is some body out there for every bout tell him as long as you take care of your kidds we wont have a problem tell your mom in a nice way look this is me and my husbands relationship dam it why is you in my marriage so much you want him have him

u need ur own place n then i think your marriage will be safe

sorry to say that is waht happens most of the time youlive with a parent<br />
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i guess we were very lucky growning andliving with my wifes mothers she loved me like a son so we never had issues others did<br />
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so brought me home at the age of 12 years old to live with them we talked about the rules of the home from that day on and npothing else was ever said<br />
<br />
we paid 1/3 the house bills even at 13 we made more money then most adults with out grade bonus<br />
<br />
and i loved her mother like she was min and her grandparents

LOT'S of good advice been given here,but if you need someone to talk to I'm here.The glass really is half full.It's the way YOU choose to look at it that makes all the difference.Of course you have to have a plan.Wishing you success,health and happiness.<br />
Dave

Dont forget to apply for HUD or some other social welfare that can help you pay your rent. Some vouchers will allow you to pick any apartment and the government will pay the whole bill especially when children are involved. Staying with inlaws will definitly destroy your relationship.

I just came across your story by random. I believe after that hard time you are fine now. I bet it was a tough battle but I am sure you did it. Whatever your circumstances now, you know life is guiding you and no matter how hard it is you will get through it. I know how tough life can be. Wish you all the happiness in the world.

i agree about saving money by having a small place since living with mother in law probably not as comfortable as having your own place. try to think positively and do something to maintain your relationship. maybe you can start with a very simple thing like talk softly and avoid arguing with you husband.. i think it works.. good luck :)

i agree i would save your money while you are with your mother and get a small cheap place. that small place might save your marriage. try not to argue with your husband....i think i understand the in law thing. don't allow this time to separate your family.<br />
i had to live in a shelter and none of my family was around to help me. so you have someone to help you, i didnt have that.

I know that coming from a 16 year old, my advice may seem a little impractical, however, I have been through a lot of ****, and that has forced me to grow up a bit. For what it's worth, and I hope it helps, here goes. <br />
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For one, I don't know the relationship between you and your mother, however, if she is driving away your husband, you need to confront her about it. If you are nervous or scared that she'll kick you out, make a back up plan before you talk to her. This happened to my family, my father and his father lost their whole business while my mom was in school for a nursing degree, I was only 8, and when we tried to stay with my grandmother, she constantly fought with and about my father. My mother confronted her, quite voraciously. The verbal onslaught ceased from my grandmother, and we had enough time to use our stay as a transitional period. <br />
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For two, if your husband is so tense and stressed that he can't be in the picture, give him what he wants. I know this may sound slightly ridiculous, however go with me. My mother had a job willing to offer her time and a half or some sign on bonus if she would move to Indiana from Georgia and work there for a year. She was all for it. My dad wasn't however. He wanted to try to revive his business, which was a futile effort. So, my mom didn't fight with him, she told him he could try to do what he needed to. We moved up to Indiana and left my dad in Georgia. It was tough, I ended up watching my younger siblings while she worked long hours and we lived in a small, small apartment with a really ****** and manipulative landlord. But we pulled through, and my dad and mom were stronger for having been apart, rather than fighting constantly while driving each other apart. <br />
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Three, check and see if the community offers you any aid, grants, childcare, or help. Take what you can get, be thankful and give back when you can. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. That is what one of the hardest things for my dad to do was in his words "renounce his pride to latch on to the government teat", but, in my experience, that's not what he had to do, and we were better off for it. Make friends with other moms that can help you out, be it through a library, knitting club, church group, heck whatever floats your boat. <br />
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And yet another benefit from living with less, is you'll find yourself appreciating little things that should be noticed everyday but aren't, and you'll go green a little bit too. Walk places, you don't need that extra bill for the car and gasoline every week. Get an apartment, small if it needs to be, that is close enough to things like a gas station, park, shopping center and library, and walk places. Save up some spare change, and ride the bus if you need to get somewhere. Ask yourself if you can get rid of expenses. You don't need cable, you don't need internet if you have a library nearby or unless your job demands it. Go to Sal's and Goodwill for furniture and clothes. And after you pull out of this, you'll be so much more appreciative of life, that's what happened to me. I went from living in a high rise 4 bedroom condo in Dallas, to living in a small two bed room 900 square foot apartment in the middle of nowhere Indiana, then to living in what can be described as none other than the ghetto in Detroit, and now we're back on top of living again. I am so much more thankful for life. I have had to come through some tough stuff, and make some realizations. But I'm better off for it, it's made me grow up. And another thing you should remember, is that no matter what, holding together and being a loving family is what makes it all work. Hope this helped. =)

i know thing seem bad now try to get a place of your own even something small i went through this five years ago it was a dark time in my life now i look back at it i had 3 kids at the time now iv 5 and lovin every min of it . thing will get better hang in there

It would seem the whole living with your relatives is really the problem.maybe your husband feels that you don't have faith in him,he may be feeling challenged because instead of the both of you working it out,you went to your parents.simply return to him and let him know that you are willing to find a solution to your problems with him alone.like the others have said you might want to try looking into moving into your own place.have hope,things will get better.and remember to tell your patner how much you love him.all the best...¤hugs¤

realize that it's the pressure that is separating you, and causing the fights. Maybe you need to sit down again with your husband and agree to work on a joint goal together...<br />
Whatever that goal is... getting an apartment, or house. Whatever it may be work together at it...

I agree with moxiesurvivor. Try and get get your own place, no matter how small. I'm not sure about this business of you being questioned for every dollar you spend. I mean, if you are earning money, then you have the right buy things, especially if the kids need things. Hang in there my friend, and I hope things get better for you soon.

Living with inlaws or parents is so difficult. I remember those days - the best thing is to get back to having your own place and hopefully things will straighten out. Even if it's just a little apartment or something humble, it's a lot better than living with relatives. We found a 1 bedroom out of town we could afford and what a relief to our marriage. We put the kids in the bedroom and slept in the living room.