I'm Too Young To Be So Cynical And Overwhelmed!

I had my daughter at the age of 19.  I am from Guam, so it seemed reasonable to have a child so young, and live with my parents well into my 30's.  But a few years after giving birth to my sunshine, I met a man who had recently become a single dad.  Getting to know him was intriguing, he had been a wild child, a hell-raiser, and just a few short months before I met him, he turned his world around and adopted his 6 mth  old daughter who's mother had ababdoned her at his door step.  He was a man who had done things that a good little island girl like me had never dreamed of, and he'd done them on his own, with out familial support, and he' d changed his life so dramatically for his daughter, even against the general concensus of all the people in his life.  Needless to say we became very close, he was my best friend.  He inspired me to become  a better mother, and a more independent and self sufficient adult.  He was a great dad, and probably the one person who pushed me to better myself and stand on my own two feet.  Essentially he taught me to be a woman, in a lot of personal ways.  But he while he was an amazing dad and a great friend, he was horrible at commitment, fidelity, and loyalty on a romantic level.  In the past two years, I've left Guam, and started educating toward my career goals.  I've taught myself to be more involved in my daughter's education as well, and to seperate my parenting from that of my well intentioned but overbearing mom.  A lot of that I credit to his influence on me, and I am so grateful that I met him, even though it never worked out.   I've set boundaries, but have had a difficult time keeping them well defined with my own parents, even though their support has been invaluable.  I  also had to leave behind his daughter who I had been raising and have grown to love as my own.  That is something that haunts me and that I can never talk about, because that pain is almost physical sometimes.  While here on the mainland I have been going to college in the healthcare field, and I keep telling myself that someday I'll take what I've learned home and try to better my island.  Getting through all the requirements of school, and being a mom who is involved and proactive in my daughter's education is a challenge in itself, but well worth it.  Letting go of my past has been hard and is still a source of huge depression.  Missing my island and the drastic weather change here in Washington takes a toll on my health and on my emotions.  Then on top of that I am extremely financially strapped and I am trying to work through that.  I have a lot of support, but I feel like I can't talk to my family without dissappointing them.  I have  a boyfriend now, he's amazing with me and my daughter but I feel that he is becoming frustrated with my increasing neediness.  Last friday I was in a car wreck and I am suffering from a back injury that impairs my mobility.  We consulted a lawyer and I am getting help with my recovery, but I lost an externship as result, and the manager of the pharmacy where I was working reported that she had let me go for wearing a miniskirt to work.  I took it very personally and I really believe that she used that as an excuse to get rid of me because I couldn't be at work for a while, even though the externship was basically free labor, she needed some one to be there to do the work, and I couldn't because of my impairment.  I understand why she needed to let me go, but I don't see why she would make up such an insulting excuse for terminating me.  She had to report this to my college, who monitors my learning experience, and now I may have problems finding a site at which to complete my hours for credit.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm sad about the loss of my job when I felt like I was finally making a step forward.  I hate to depend on others, and I feel forced to do that now that I can't walk around on my own.  I have no appetite.  I am always cold, and most mornings I don't want to get up anymore.  I find my self longing for home more and more, and I can't tell anyone that because that means I miss my old boyfriend, and my current boyfriend has been the best, especially recently.  Even though I feel like he's a little overwhelmed with my issues too.  And I love him.   I just wish there was someone who understood; who I could talk to without hurting them too.  I just wish things would get easier, but they never do.  I f there is some one out there who would just like to talk...  I am usually very private, and I feel vulnerable doing this.  But if there is someone, please I think I need some help.  I made an appointment with a therapist, but she can't see me for weeks.

elochin elochin
1 Response Mar 13, 2010

It figures, no one really cares if I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I was just looking for some advice on how to feel better. Sorry to waste your time.