I'm A Horrible Person

I've become corrupted beyond all control.

I've become a cheater, a liar and, worst of all a horrible friend.

Let's start at the beginning:

Picture this; a very innocent girl with no knowledge of the world, or any of its evils. That was me, five years ago.

At that time I met a girl, we'll name her Sherbert to keep from any specific details. Sherbert was not quite as innocent as me, but we hit it off right away. We became best friends, and although Sherbert could barely stand my nativity and innocent, she put up with it because we'd become really close. Eventually, I fell in love with her.

Sherbert and I spent a wonderful two years together. I loosened up, ever so slightly but we still generally maintained a child-like innocence. My affections for her were never quite in the open.

Eventually, Sherbert and I went our separate ways. In a way, I became more innocent than I had ever been during the year and a half we spent apart.

Sherbert and I re-acquainted ourselves after that year and a half, through a mutual friend I will name Chocolate. It only took a few months for us to retain our heavenly friendship and stick to each other like mighty putty. My love for Sherbert followed along. But I kept silent.

The corruption would soon follow.

During our new time together, we began to realize that all we needed was each other to make ourselves happy, and it was so incredibly wonderful. I finally worked up the guts to make her mine.

Our relationship was awkward and not quite real.

We acted just like friends, and it seemed, to me that she didn't consider anything remotely different.

If we were to act intimate or loving in any way, it would be dismissed shortly after it occurred. It would be as like it never did occur.

After almost a year, I could bear no more and we became friends once again.

She began my corruption with alcohol. A simple buzz, but it did the trick. It was my first taste of intoxication, and many more sessions of drinking and drug-consumption would follow.

We became each other's once again, but it was much the same.

Lover-like behavior happened only when we were mentally altered. The next day, it never happened.

I broke promises. (Not to cut myself. To tell her when/why I was upset. Not to visit my ***** of a grandfather.) And because of this dishonesty, she left me and we were once again friends.

But I still love(d) her. More than my life, itself.

I was confused and appalled. Who was this person I was becoming?

The drunken intimacy continued. The lies continued. I continued to spiral downward and slowly became the terrible person that I am, and that I despise today.

Most recently...

It was only ever she and I in the past.

But, I rejoined school.

And, in that, I became even less the person I wish I could be again.

We still spent every squeeze of time we could together. And when we would go to bed... every so often, we would be intimate... And the guilt. It was like she hated me the next morning. I hated myself the next morning.

But, still she would forgive me. Over and over, we would ignore it. It never happened.

Until a boy became involved.

I met him at school. We'll name him Bob.

I had feelings for Bob, which, for that time made me feel awful for I still love(d) Sherbert.

I introduced Bob and Sherbert.

Bob was a hit.

Sherbert began to like Bob as well.

After a while, my feelings for Bob grew, as did my guilt.

Bob and I became lovers.

And Sherbert, she hated me.

I still don't blame her.

It was a horrible, dishonest thing to do.

Shortly after, Sherbert forgave me.

She redirected her hurt and anger toward Bob.

Bob became unmentionable.

No more than an hour ago Sherbert and I got a little intoxicated and a little intimate.

And I then became a cheater.

The issue surfaced at last.

Shertbert is appalled, and so I am.

And, I...

I don't know what to do.

If she forgives me again, how long is it until I do something terrible to her once again?

How can I prevent myself from being this person that I hate?

Can I ever go back?

Should I tell Bob?

She I even try to apologize?

If she doesn't forgive me this time...

How am I going to live another second of my life?

I love her.

She is so important to me...

And I... I can't go on without her.

Vanille Vanille
18-21, F
4 Responses Apr 24, 2010

I dont think Sherbert is good for you, sorry but ...I dont...now I dont know much about Bob, or if he is good for you, so whether you love Sherbert or not right now, to me, isnt the issue you really face...it's do you really want to continue in a relationship with someone that feels so damn bad? Love can be addicting, familiar, emotional, if I were you, considering the length of time you have known beeing with Sherbert, I'd begin putting space between that relationship and myself, its not good for you at all, and there is far happier ones in front of you...this not an attack in anyway...I say this gently and only as food for thought for your good...love yourself, you deserve a happy postive relationship..not this crippled one that doesnt even bring one shred of joy...hugs sweetie...I wish you the best")

i just dont see how being confused and not completely knowing why you do the things you do constitutes needing a shrink

Go to a psychiatrist, babe. You need professional help.

why don't you try telling her how you really feel.under the circumstances now seems like a good opportunity.<br />
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i sincerely hope things work out for you.