Better Keep It To Myself

We all have friends whom we can say anything we wanted to share...BUT sometimes (even to your closest friend) there are stories which can be called “better keep it to yourself”. I don’t have someone to talk about all my hidden thoughts and share my experiences with…whether it is nice or embarrassing so I made this blog just to have an outlet.

By the way, I’m miss anonymous...and I’m on my early 20’s…I’m not that pretty and sexy type of girl…I sometimes felt that I am so ugly because I’m fat, but the feature that I get the most compliment on is my long black, straight hair (that I used to curl sometimes for a change!). I love watching TV and movies, reading romantic comedy or suspense books that I bought from booksale, surfing the net, I can say that I am very friendly...I love meeting new people and of course-KIDS!...I love being with a bunch of kids, particularly those”special ones” I feel young whenever I’m with them that I wanted to be a SpEd teacher someday and hopefully have a school of my own. I was supposed to graduate college at the age of 19 but due to some financial and personal reasons...I had to stop going to school and I felt like I had no choice! I tried to search for a job but in our country if you are not yet a graduate, they would likely prefer those who had already have experiences...So I was stucked in the house feeling like a parasite. Last year, I decided to go back in school. I am taking up b.s psychology, And now?...I’m on my last year in college! It feels good!

Being the eldest, I run the household because our parents are working abroad (but even though they are working abroad, we still have financial difficulties due to big expenses we have)...I do the budget, grocery, paying our bills, cook for us and taking care of my 4 teenage siblings as well as attending their PTA meetings at school, being there whenever they are in the guidance office due to some problems like fights with their classmates, cutting classes (which I NEVER did when I was in high school), doing their hair-do’s for their j.s prom, taking pictures on foundation day, and graduation day and a lot more! So I am a part time student and a part time mom and dad to my siblings. I am a bit authoritarian but it seemed that I have no power over them because of the same mistakes they make every day esp. when it comes to curfew that sometimes I am so sick of it!..I am just protecting them from harm and sadly, they just don’t get it! I am trying to be a friend at the same time big sister unto them. My mom left this responsibility to me when I was 16…our youngest back then was only 9 years old and it was a BIG adjustment for me…and as the eldest, I don’t want them to see me in tears because of what they are doing...Meaning, I’m just pretending to be strong in front of them and act as if I’m not affected if they don’t listen to me...although, it’s nice to do because I think…it’s the first grown-up thing I’ve done…of course I love my sisters and my brother but I also want a break...and felt that I am exhausted. I am just thinking that this is a good training ground for me so that when I have a family of my own…I know what to do…

After graduating in college…(even if they don’t tell me about it!) being the eldest means that I need to help my parents in sending my siblings to school ( college) thru my job. My father doesn’t allow me to have a boyfriend. He will only allow me to have one when I finished college. However, it doesn’t mean that I can be married after that because of my responsibility. all my friends know this situation I have at home. Love life?... I haven’t had a relationship but if I’ll have one, I want it to be serious. I had crushes when I am already in college. I can’t say that I don’t have at least a suitor, I just thought that it wasn’t the right time to have one but there is this guy in one of my class which I can say we are “almost there”…but due to my physical insecurities…I didn’t give it a try. (and I really regret about it!).

I was 18 when that happened… today I am 23 yrs. Old.
No boyfriend since birth!
Never been kissed torridly…(hahahahahaha!!! It’s just a smack on the lips…Second to my mom’s kiss on my cheeks when I was younger).
And of course…never been touched!

Something uncommon about me is that, when I was 19…my period haven’t started and I wasn’t anxious by 20, my cousin’s wife was bothered by my situation so she decided to take me to her o.b gyne. After that I was scheduled for a trans-rectal ultrasound. That is when we found out that I have 24 cysts which are 4-6 mm. in diameter in both of my ovaries. It is Poly-cystic and that my endometrium wall is thickened. My o.b gynecologist told me that in this case, I will have difficulties with regards to pregnancy.

This is the “better keep it to myself” part of my blog…

I just turned 23 last January. When talking to my friends about preferred age of settling down, I wanted to be married at 30 because I thought that i will going to have a lot of time doing things that I want…going for a master’s degree in sped, sending my siblings to school, earn money to buy a house of my own. But after the result of my ultrasound, I should be married at the right age…ideal age of getting married is 26 as my o.b gyne said.

I have a lot of friends in college but I am close to this 10 people. 5 girls and five boys... (Who graduated in college 2 yrs. Ago. that is why I’m feeling a bit left behind)

They are telling me that they are going to be married!!

The first one who told me was married last February
(she was 3 months. Pregnant when she told me that she was getting married!)

Second one told me that she was 4 mons. Pregnant and she is getting married this coming month!

3 wks. Later I got a call from my best friend (who is currently living with her parents in the U.S)
Told me that she and her boyfriend (which also belong to our circle of friends) are planning to get married maybe next year!

I feel happy for them at the same time, I felt that I was left behind!....

I’m not yet finished with my studies!

I’m so concerned about not having at least a baby when I’m married!

So hilarious!! I’m getting pre occupied with this matter!

And I don’t think that I found the man whom I will share the rest of my life.

All I wanted is a sweet, understanding, responsible and caring man.

I dated guys before but I don’t think we have chemistry?...hahaha funny isn’t it?

Some of my friends told me that I should also learn how to flirt with a guy because I never did that…I don’t know if this is true…most of my friends told me that a guy finds it attractive if a girl gives a hint of liking them….It’s just...I’m that conservative type and I don’t want look cheap. I just want a relationship for now because I know I have so much responsibility to my family.

One of my friend said..

Come on…come out of your shell! Take risks and get out of your comfort zone! She believed that I can get the man I like because there are girls who look horrible than me but managed to have a relationship with the man they love because they want it!

I realized...she’s right...but how will I start!?...
missanonymouz missanonymouz
26-30, F
1 Response Jun 10, 2010

Hi I am from Sri Lanka. Like to talk to you and share some thoughts. Mail me