I'm Afraid...

I'm scared because I feel depressed. I had a depressive episode a few years back and, looking back on it I think I ended up coping by just internalising everything. Now I feel like everything I've been holding in over the last few years is spilling out. I've started crying a lot, I've stopped looking after myself physically and I'm not finding things to fill my time with. I spend a lot of time watching films or reading books to escape having to think about my real life. I'm in the process of finishing off two films that I've made, but all my enthusiasm for them has just drained away over the last few months. I'm so close to finishing them and yet I'm afraid to... afraid of everything really. I'm scared to talk to people, I purposely avoid going out - or I'll leave the house if there's anyone expected. I don't keep in touch with my friends. I'm going to Uni and I'm afraid that i"m just doing it because I've got nothing else. I promised myself that I would never fall out with my parents but now-a-days I often feel like hitting my mum because I get so frustrated with her. Instead I just worry her to death by being grumpy and not speaking to her. My dad is my hero and for the first time ever I broke down in front of him. I feel like because I'm not conquering the world I've let him down and disappointed him. He's a military man and I keep having re-curring dreams about him shaking his head and saying "LMF" - "Low Moral Fibre". It's a stupid army expression but for some reason it's stuck with me. I used to write constantly and be really creative. I haven't written anything in months. I've put on weight. And - the thing that scares me most - I feel like I want to cut myself. I did it a few times as a teenager and the pain helped me feel like something was real, tangible. Now, everytime I pick up a knife I envisage scratching myself with it just to feel something and also to hurt myself. Because I know that I'm better than this, and that makes me feel like I have to punish myself. There's also a friend of mine who's been staying with me far too much - he's helped me out with my films so I feel like I owe him. He is a depressing person and he never asks me how I feel - he just turns up and moans about his own life, which makes me feel selfish for not caring. Then the other night he had a go at me because he said he had seen a real change in me in the last few months and that I'd become all lazy. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can get people around me to understand. I've tried talking to my mum but she always says things like "You're just tired" or "You're not in the right frame of mind right now". I am tired. I can't sleep. ****. I just feel ****. And I don't know what to do any more. I hate this.
katbag25 katbag25
Jul 14, 2010