Can't Take Much More...

In the last 6 months I have had extreme financial trouble, 6mths of constant harassment/emotional abuse from a guy who claimed to love me, my whole world turned upside down, my sister who always listened to me yell in my face that she doesn't want to hear my bullshit anymore, she then told my mum I was on some kind of drug psychosis that didn't exist, my mum sending me anti drug crap, my ex take my children off me and tell me my sister wants to get me committed and he's going to help her (I have them back thanks to my mum and my auntie), my government allowance cut off when they told me last year that I would go through to the end of the year (that's been fixed now, but the stress at the time after everything else was almost more than I could take), and then to top it all off... today this guy that I actually started to fall in love with, but I was so scared to commit to because of everything that's going on, said goodbye because he "couldn't hold a candle for someone who wouldn't meet him halfway". Last night I poured my heart out to him, told him how much he meant to me, explained all my fears, and today he says goodbye. I don't understand. The first time I heard him tell me "I love you" was right after he said "goodbye". I kept hoping that one day I would open the door, and he'd be there again and I knew exactly what I'd do, and I'd never let him go... but I guess that's not going to happen now and I don't understand. I missed him every day and every day he told me the same thing. I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to. I feel like I have been so ripped off. I am a good person, I work hard, my kids are great kids, healthy and responsible. And I get this. Does love really exist? Or is it just a bullshit dream that we believe in that really means nothing in the end? I have to hide my tears from everyone and pretend everything is ok, but I feel like complete ****.
anonymous240610 anonymous240610
5 Responses Jul 23, 2010

@km45angel... I hated it how he'd tell me he loved me in one breath then call me a **** in the next, and then afterwards he'd say "but I don't mean that ****, don't listen to me when I'm like that" but how could I not? Believe me when I say, that for your daughter's sake, you have to find a way out of it. My kids were so messed up by the way he treated me, my daughter would scream at him to leave us alone, and I was even more messed up, I started hurting myself to externalise the pain I was feeling inside and make him see what he was doing to me, but of course that was just another reason to ridicule me. I kept asking him "If I'm such a **** why don't you just leave me alone?" and his answer would always be "because I love you" and I would say "but I don't love you, I hate you", and he would say "but I can fix it and make you love me, I know I can". I'm so lucky that I had my mum and my auntie there to help me through it in the end, now he can't find me so I'm free of him, although I am still afraid of him and what he might do, but I can't let that fear rule my life. I feel so much for you, because even though my mum did initially make things harder by not listening to me and making out I was on some sort of drug psychosis, eventually she realised what was really going on, and she helped me fix my life up. If you don't have that support from someone within your family, it just makes life so much harder. You and your daughter deserve so much better. My guy used to say to me "I'm getting better, I'm already so much better than before I met you, I can't live without you, you make me a better person" its all just bullshit, he's never going to get better and you can't change him. I'm sure there's some guys that can, but you don't need to be his punching bag until he does. For your daughters sake you really have to find a way out. I wish I could be there to help you, because I know how hard it can be, my guy was able to blackmail me so easily, and manipulate me, and I kept letting him. I don't let him do this **** to me anymore, and I can't tell you how much better I am. You have to find somewhere to live, change your phone number and get an AVO (restraining order) against him. Do it for your daughter... believe me, you have to.<br />
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I'm here for you any time you need someone to talk to... I wish I could be there for you though.<br />
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Take care of yourself

I literally had tears wen i read your story because it hit so close to home , i am in an abusiver relationship and it sucks to be called a **** , or a ***** almost every chance he gets , im on government assitance as well, hes so controlling and i hate it when he hits me and when i have bruises on my arms and legs the only thing that gets me through in life is my daughter Stormy shes 2 on aug 8 .i usually don get along with my family either and i dont have anyone to talk to im so glad i found this website tho because i can talk to other people i know u will be ok and maybe we can support eachother as well .

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'm feeling better now, I think even just writing it down helped to get out some of that pent up emotion. I think I do need to talk to someone, but I am scared of the reactions I'll get, so that's why I chose online anonymity. But I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that your comments have helped me alot. Its very comforting.

I had a man treat me like that once, and I remember how much it tore me apart. I'm so sorry you're going through this. And with all that we suffer, finances seem like a horrible cherry to top it off, doesn't it? Have you tried finding a local recovery group? Sometimes groups like Celebrate Recovery, though religious, are very helpful. They'll let you cry, and they'll support you while you do, because they understand. Finding people who just let you cry and don't call you crazy or psychotic or whatever else because you're just expressing natural emotion is tricky....I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. My best advice is to try to find some new people, preferably through some good groups, who might be more supportive of you. And, no matter what, don't give up. Keep fighting. Love comes to those who are determined to find it. Work on you right now, care about you....I really hope things get better soon. I care.

good question. does love really exist? I think, yes love does exist but love isnĀ“t something that happens, it something we do. I hope you find a person who is better suited for you. take care:)