It Was Such A Wonderful Day Until ....

It could not have been a better day. A combined family of 4, his son ... my daughter ... all of us together for 3 years, now. We've definitely had our moments and puked our baggage into one another's lives, along the way. It has not been Disney fairy tale, but it's been good, 75%+ of the time. And, moments like tonight just leave my head spinning, my mouth dry, my stomach cramped, and my heart aching.

The day was beautiful, shared hikes, fun, laughter, complete joy and the ol' family videos to prove it. Then, as we rested in our living room, fold-out bed as a family watching a movie before bedtime, each of us took turns tapping Dad to wake him from his snoring so he'd watch with us (him humoring us). Everything hit the fan when our daughter reached across me, and our son, and tapped Dad and accidentally tapped him on his privates when she did. He woke and exploded, shaming her. I was so focused on protecting her from what I saw as complete irrationality and scary intimidation/bullying, I merely kept repeating "It was a mistake." over and over and louder to cover up the things he was saying to shame me and shame her, so we didn't have to hear it. It escalated as he became infuriated with what he seemed to be indicating was me allowing our daughter to disrespect him. The odd thing is that, because she has shown him resistance (as most "step-children" will a "step-parent") in the form of rolling eyes, sassing, etc, I have recently implemented a new, stern and clear action/consequence to detour such behavior and have spoken with her clearly about the importance of her showing him respect. And, this WAS just an accident and she was thoroughly shocked and shaken by his response. It escalated until she was so upset by what she could hear him saying that she moved through bursting into tears and then into anger, when he shamed her tears, as I continued to remain between them and repeat that it was an accident. She went into a full-out protective mode and when he saw her anger, he began to tell her she's evil!

We've experienced these eruptions from him about 6-8 times per year. This particular time, it's only been about a month since the last time. Lately, all the eruptions seem to center around her disrespecting him. She does show him disrespect, but it's not severe and only enough so that he and I know of it ... others don't even notice. So, I honestly feel that, while the disrespect issue IS real, in regards to these episodes, it's more of a target/excuse than a cause. After these events, he moves past the emotion in a matter of 12-24 hours, apologizes profusely and acts in kind ways to "make up for it", even sheepishly acknowledging that he can be a real ***, at times. 75%+ of the time, he is complimentary, helpful, gracious, generous, available, loyal, dependable ... all the things I want in a man. Then, there's the 20% of normal stuff in any relationship ... casual disagreements, moodiness, annoying habits ... lol ... all that stuff that keep the relationship interesting (joke). But these eruptions, which I'm labeling as the 5% that absolutely must change, are so intense and unexplained and I am truly at a loss as to why he does this and while it may only be 5% of the time, if that, it is so weighty that it feels like more. While they have been triggered when he's awake, they are more likely to be triggered when he's woken from sleep, strangely enough, and they always happen at night.

This one is by far the worst, at least in aftermath. You see, typically our son is not around when they happen. In fact, I had a theory that they were affected by his missing our son and being jealous that we have more time with our daughter. Strangely enough, our son is going on vacation with his dna mother, starting tomorrow, and he'll be gone about twice the amount of time he's usually gone, which makes me wonder, again, if it's related. Anyway, since our son was present, his aftermath reaction is to commit to us no longer being together. So, he announced he'll be seeking a place to move to tomorrow, that we'll discuss splitting our business up in a couple of days, told me I couldn't watch his TV, and when he went to bed, many hours after the explosion, he made arrangements with me so we would not be sleeping together. He also changed his FB status to single and then changed it back to relationship, before going to bed!

I've been studying up on OCD and Anxiety Disorder, relative to our son who kicks off into worries about natural disasters, worries of harm coming to him in some way, daily, tearful reactions to anything out of the usual/new, etc. Apparently his dna mother has been diagnosed with OCD in the past. Now, suddenly, I'm realizing that THIS behavior may VERY well be serotonin related, the same way the OCD and Anxiety Disorder are and I think our son's issue may be more inherited from him than I realized. Anyway, that's a bit of a sidetrack.

I realize many may tell me to leave and, believe me, I'm fully capable. I'm still just hopeful I can keep the 75%+ good he offers and find a way to avoid this 5% utter irrationality that comes out of the blue. I'm fully capable of showing a lack of emotional maturity, myself, at times. So, I can certainly offer room for forgiveness, but the edge must come off for the sake of the children, for sure. So, aside from wanting to be heard, I'm wondering if anyone knows of any holistic approaches we may take to smoothing out serotonin releases in these two boys, in the hopes of keeping our happy-75%+-of-the-time family, together. You see, my man does not trust therapists as he's had very bad experiences with them in the past and I am supportive of him and would like to find alternative approaches ... if he'll even be with me, tomorrow.

Thank you for listening!
NeedSB NeedSB
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 9, 2010

I am very moved by your situation and if it were me I would not stick with him. But I have to say you are very supportive to give him a chance and change, just don't bring yourself down. As for all-natural and holistic approaches to help him, I am a member of a company that has been around for 25 years and was built with the consumer in mind. They have a couple selections of all-natural supplements that help with anxiety. If you would like I can give you more information, just send me a message and I will get back to you. Take care and hope things work out.