I'm Just So Tired

My story is a long one but here goes.  Six years ago my father's pharmacy business was destroyed and he was sentenced to ten years in prison for a crime he didn't commit.  Back then I was a sophomore in high school and I was sure my dad would be fine after all there was no evidence and he was completely innocent.  Little did I know then how deeply racism is entangled within the justice system.  So that year a few days before thanksgiving my mother picked me up from school and told me that I would not see my father as a free man for ten years. Later we found out who the real culprits were and how they were bribed to testify against my dad.  This summer we sent in his last appeal and it was rejected without anyone even looking at it. I wonder how people can live knowing that they have taken ten year's from a man's life and put unimaginable strain on his family for no reason.  At about the same time six years ago my grandmother was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease.  It's been a hard road not having my dad at all of my special occasions including my college graduation next year and slowly watching my grandmother (one of the most amazing people I've ever known) slowly slip away.  Six years ago I bottled up all my emotions and put my heart into helping my family, especially my mother, as best I could.  I guess sealing up my emotions hasn't been the best way to go about things since it has led me through spirals of depression and attempts at suicide that I have kept completely to myself.  The cycle still continues although it's not as bad as it used to be.  I always put my best face forward and ignore my own emotions for others.  I do my best to be there for people who need me and to counsel them through their tough times.  I've had counselors before and it's nice having someone to talk to but sometimes I think it best to just ignore everything and pretend it's ok because when I truly stop to think about my life I basically become an invalid for days on end sometimes.  I describe my emotional and mental situation as such:  for the past six years I feel this giant black hole has always been right behind me ready to swallow me up.  I've fallen in it many times but somehow I always manage to struggle back out again.  I always have to depend on me to help me out because there's no knight in shining armor or a helping hand, there's just me.  I was doing so well for most of this year I didn't even think about that black hole.  But now I feel like half of me, my weaker, emotional half has fallen in that black hole and refuses to come out because she's just so tired of struggling.  So I'm left with my stronger half that's still moving forward but I'm still missing part of me and I'm even more lonely. I feel almost like a droid just moving forward because it's what someone programmed me to do.  Not something I really want to do.

This summer has been a hard one for me,  As soon as I got back home I realized how far my grandmother's condition has declined.  She needs a home, my mother can no longer take care of her by herself but at $4000/month there's no way we could ever afford it.  The sad part is my grandmother has two other children who have never once offered in the past six years to watch her and give my mom a break.  They've never even sent a dime to help pay for her care or her medicine.  Although they're well aware of my family's situation.  Also, this summer the bank called in my father's business loan from his business at the cost of $100000.  They've started forclosure proceedings on the house and my mom is trying her best to save it although somehow it seems she'll have to come up with $80000.  And in the middle of all this there's me complaining about my emotions while my mother struggles to care for my grandma, keep a roof over our head, and put me and my little brother through college.  I don't have the right to feel this way and I there's no way I can go to mother and tell her all this and put even more stress on her.  But sometimes I just wish that once someone would listen to my story put their arm around me, hold me and tell me it's going to be ok and that I can make it through this and that life wont always be this hard.  Just once...that would be nice if someone could take care of me and me not having to take care of someone else.  Well, thanks for listening.
kim8911 kim8911
Aug 9, 2010