I Have No One...

I honestly know nothing about this website, I've done no research on it, I don't know if it is for real, if there are people out there who can help me.  I don't need help.  Well, I do, but no amount of help is going to change anything for me.  I guess that maybe I just need someone to talk to, who is impartial.  Not even that, but simply someone who does not know me and will just listen to me.
I am 33.  Married for 11 years, to a man who I have been with since my sophomore year of high school, when I was 15.  Over half of my life.  We had, from the beginning, a very intense relationship.  We both fell for each other, really fast and really hard.  I dated only one other person seriously before him.  Or really, one person at all.  We grew up together, which didn't only include all of the good things that go along with that, but also the bad.  We knew how young we were and that we were probably too serious with one another for our age.  There was a lot of breaking up and cheating and lying and just a bunch of crap that I am so ashamed of.  It was done on BOTH of our parts.  And to this day, I am extremely scarred by it, as I assume he is.  I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school from first grade to HS.  My parents were not overly strict or overly religious, but I learned early on what behavior what good and what was bad. My husband had been arrested before we were together.  It wasn't  a violent crime and I, to this day, think nothing of it.  My parent's knew about it, too, and it was never a "thing".  After we moved in together, me at 19 or 20 years old, there were a few more arrests.  Petty theft, again, nothing that I took as a big deal.  Well, maybe it WAS a big deal at the time, and at that point it was so serious to me....only if i knew what was to come.  
I was a "good girl".  I didn't sneak out at night like my friends did, didn't smoke, really never did anything wrong.  I knew that his brother was very into weed.  At that time, I thought that it was the most disgusting thing that I had ever known.  I was so turned off by it.  I soon learned that, as i had suspected, he was smoking it, too.  I don't remember details, but I remember that I felt FORCED to try it.  I never really got into it, just wasn't my thing.  Next came the harder stuff.  I was so utterly brainwashed by him, that I tried X, G, mushrooms, acid.  Soon it became a regular occurence.  COCAINE was a dealbreaker for me.  But before I knew it, I tried it, and never really stopped.  A while later, I knew that he was up to something, doing some type of drug, and that he was doing it behind my back, which, oddly enough, was the biggest disappointment to me.  One day, when he did another one of his disappearing acts, I found a piece of aluminum foil on the floor of the bathroom that he used, and snorted it.  AFter continuing on with it for WEEKS, I learned it was heroine.  Can't say that I was shocked by this, my mindset then was, "just don't ask".  Then i was hooked.  I am still on methadone trying to kick that habit.
I don't know why i feel like all of that was so important to my story, because it gets so much worse.  The arrests continued....possession (18 months in prison, which my [highly ranked government official parents] were, to say the least, disappointed in.)  The drug abuse continued, and to make a long story just a bit shorter, in the last year he has been arrested three times in three different counties and is looking at about, at least, 10 years in prison.  But he decided to forfeit his bond money (which a friend of mine had generously put up) and is now, "on the run".   Most, if not all of you, will think that I am stupid and crazy for this, but I am not mad.  I don't care that he is on the run.  I want him to get away and not do a day in prison.  Only thing is, i cannot live without him.  I relied on him for everything.  i mean everything.  he did every little thing for me.  And even though i wrote above our past history, and how he got me into drugs, none of that matters.  I will not listen to anyone who says to stay away from him or stop loving him, I don't want to hear a bad thing about him.  I won't listen to it.  I am just so scared about my future.  I don't see myself having one.  He cares enough about me that he has cut off all ties to me, and will not talk to me.  won't respond to emails or texts, he's changed his phone number.  He doesn't want me to know where he is.  
MY MAIN....'PROBLEM' is that i can't go on without him.  I can't.  i don't want to.  Honestly, I pray for God to take me in my sleep all of the time.  I want to die.  I literally want to die.   My number one concern with that is that it will kill him.  ruin his life.  second on my list is my mom.  i don't know how she will go on.  Better than him, though.  I also have so many pets, that I will just not abandon.  I would love to find them homes and just let myself go.  where i feel no pain.  I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. He knows this, and when i told him, he flipped out, went histerical, cried, and made me SWEAR not to do it.  And i won't.  only for him,  though.
Even though i don't talk to or see him, I have some peace in knowing that he is safe and not in jail.  But if he were ever to get caught, I know that I would do something so irrational, i am not sure what i am capable of.  I don' t feel like I want to be able to handle this, i dont, i hate the thought of living without him.  and the thought of finding someone else?  never happen.  I am a fat, gross, ugly unemployed loser who survives solely on my trust fund, which my best friend in the world, my grandma, left me.  I have over a million dollars, but i might as well have nothing.  because it means nothing to me.  I only want my husband.  thats it.  And i know that we will never be normal again.  I cannot wait ten years for him, if he would ever get caught.  Which i pray he doesn't.  I'll kill myself the first day that I hear about that.  People are telling me that "time heals all wounds" and all of that BS, but i don't want to waste that time, why bother?  
I guess that, maybe, I don't WANT to die, why else am i writing this?  I don't know.  but i can't see anyway to go on, and i have no desire to. 
I don't know what help I am looking for here, i guess just maybe someone to listen to, and maybe i can find someone to talk to who has or is going thru something similar.  I just don't know.  
I don't want to go on, im scared.  I have tried to kill myself b4, I took SO many pills, and it didn't come close to working.  I'm pretty sure that if i had a way to guarantee that I would die, I would do it.
I am so screwed up.   If anyone is reading this, thank you, at least for listening.  I've said some stuff that I just cant say to anyone else.  if my friends and family knew that I would give ANYTHING to die, I'd be forced into a nut house (pardon my language) or worse, and have someone hovering over me 24-7.
will someone just talk to me, please?  help me.  am
amybeenjammin amybeenjammin
1 Response Aug 11, 2010

I am willing to listen to you. Talk to me, my mail is ivana31@lycos.com