I Want To Exist.

It feels like the littlest things just set it off again, at the snap of a finger. I’m not sad anymore, not like last November when I would spend night’s awake, mornings lifeless, afternoons sleeping and evenings crying. My doctor prescribed me sleeping pills, which I eventually started to use freely. I didn’t feel like being awake, most days of the week. Everything reached its peak when I spent 6 hours in the ER due to a burnout. After that, I started healing.

I’ve had even worse days, but incredible one too. I thought everything was better, I started getting closer to people again. Maybe I just started to push things down deeper instead, I didn’t even notice when I was sad until it came out in tidal waves. I didn’t even touch its roots; depression, insomnia, eating disorders, self-loathing. I just wanted it to be gone. All the destruction and the pain I’ve caused, I’m ashamed of it. And in a way, I’m scared of it too.

I never have I ever craved normalcy like I do! I want to be happy, undamaged, self-loving, life-loving. And every time I fall off the wagon I just curse and cry. I feel even more ashamed, more pathetic, more unstable or unsound. I feel like I live within parallels of my own self.

I just want my feelings to be out there. I want them to exist.


Do anybody else ever feel this way? I'm trying to reach out, somehow.
kickandshout kickandshout
18-21
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

They do exist and YOU exist more importantly. You just need to remember that. You are in this world, living and breathing, experience all it has to offer because if you don't your going to have more bad days. I hope you find something to keep you in the light .

yes yhure right & kickɑndshout dont worry iht will ɑll soon come out yhue hɑve too feel good ɑbouht yure'self & ɑlwɑys try yhure best in everything yhue do give yhure'self confidentce dont be ɑfrɑid of who yhue ɑre or who yhure becoming :]<br />
<br />
ihope ive helped :] xxx

hello my friend !<br />
yes indeed i did felt like this just last yr I lost my 5-month pregnasy this happen in april and just in august of last yr i also lost my mom i somex FALL BUT MY KIDS WOULD GET ME UP I LOVE MY BEUTIFUL CHILDREN THEY ARE MY LIFE !<br />
JUST BE STRONG AND REMEMBER LIFE IS SHORT INJOY YOUR LIFE AND FAMILY EACH AND EVERY SECOUND OF UR LIFE AND REMEMBER THESE WORDS<br />
LEARN<br />
TEACH<br />
LOVE<br />
FORGIVE<br />
PEACE AND LOVE TO YOU!