Awkward

I just got back from a NYE party. Not like a real party, just a little pretend party hosted by a childhood friend of mine who happens to be a couple years older. I haven't seen or talked to her in what seems like forever despite her being a short drive away, and we have always been oddly similar. But I still haven't seen her, and I certainly dont feel I know her friends well, so just going was a big step for me.
She has a lot of good natured nice kinda dorky guy friends who also came over. This is fine, it's just the type of people im used to hanging out with. Should be no problem right?
Well it wouldn't have been if one of her friends didn't start showing interest in me... very obviously, might I add. He wasn't rude or sexual or anything, and honestly seemed like a good guy, but I just couldn't talk to him. Everyone else it was fine, I just couldn't stand speaking to someone I knew liked me. Maybe because I didn't feel the same. The idea of a lasting relationship just doesn't appeal to me at all. I think I am the ultimate killer of romance.
Most girls my age (18) dream of a gentle kind hearted man to tell her how much he loves her and how beautiful and amazing she is.
I just think how annoying that would be. It's sickening, almost, and I wouldn't want to lead anyone on, thinking I'm interested in that bullshit. Maybe I just like the 'bad boy' persona, but I seem to only attract the good long term relationship guys. Oddly enough,
I don't think I just want sex, and I don't think I want romance. So what do I want? I like guys who are funny, and probably a bit jerkish. I have an online friend I've known for a while now and he always acts mean, but we both know he isnt serious. He doesn't treat me like a princess, and he doesn't treat me like ****. I don't really know what to call it, but I kind of like it.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I hate breaking hearts. Every time I discover someone likes me I grow cold and quiet, hoping it just blows over. I probably come off as some sort of conceded *****, but at least I wouldn't have to bring out the life story of how I don't want to really date anyone right now. is that so insane? that I want to be alone, but not alone? I want a sort of friend I guess. Nothing too deep or intimate, but a physical attraction would be nice. Is that so much to ask for?
I kind of want that certain online friend, but I don't feel like anything past some typical chatting and playing Call of duty would ever happen. We're about a thousand miles, and 8 years apart, and even after 4 or 5 years of knowing the guy, I hardly know anything about him. Maybe that's why I like him. The anonymous sense of security is comforting, sort of like how I feel so comfortable writing on this site. When I'm not feeling up to it, I don't have to write. When I don't feel like talking, I dont have to. It's like a drug you only take when you need, yet don't want to think about when you don't need it. I'd feel so ashamed if someone I knew read some of this, but at the same time I WANT people to read it. It's an odd feeling, and I'm not really sure how to explain it.
Maybe I'm just pmsing. It's really hard to tell who's the real me anymore.