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That Never Ending Cycle

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE STORY THAN YOU THINK.  I WAS MARRIED TO THE MOST BRUTALLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, VERBALLY ABUSIVE, AND PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE MAN FOR 12 LONG LONG LONG YEARS.  I GOT SMART, REALIZED I WAS DOING IT ALL BY MYSELF ANYWAYS, AS HE BECAME OVER THE YEARS AN UNEMPLOYED DRUG ADDICT, INCLUDING PAYING ALL THE BILLS.  I DIVORCED HIM AND I DID IT ALL ON MY OWN, WITHOUT A LAWYER.  PRO SE IS HARD TO DO WHEN THE JUDGE IS A FRIEND OF THE EX-TO-BE.
I GOT THROUGH ALL OF THAT.  I WAS AMAZED WITH MYSELF.

SHORTLY AFTER THAT ONE LEFT, FOUR YEARS AGO, I STARTED SEEING MY 'KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR' OR SO I THOUGHT.  IT TURNS OUT THAT SOME HOW I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO FALL INTO THAT SAME DAMN CYCLE.  NOT SO MUCH THE PHYSICAL ABUSE, BUT CERTAINLY THE VERBAL ABUSE AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE ARE THERE. WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?

I CAN SAY FROM EXPERIENCE THIS WOMAN'S ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE ME LIKE I DO HIM?  I STRIVE TO BE BETTER, BUT LET'S FACE IT, I AM NOT JESUS AND JUST CANT LIVE UP TO THE EXPECTATION OF PERFECTION THAT IS EXPECTED OF ME.  I HAVE TRIED AND FRUSTRATED MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND HAVE GOTTEN NO WHERE.  I MANAGED TO PLUG MYSELF BACK INTO THE DEPRESSION I FELT FOUR YEARS AGO, EXCEPT THIS TIME, I CAN'T STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET AND NEED HIS FINANCIAL HELP.

IT SUCKS TO HAVE TRAVELED SO FAR AWAY, BEARING THE BURDEN ON MY OWN AND LEARNING HOW TO SURVIVE ONLY TO FIND THAT SOMEHOW I GOT PLACED BACK AT THE START LINE AND MUST RETRACE MY STEPS.  THIS IS HARD TO ADMIT AND EVEN HARDER TO FATHOM.
OF COURSE I LOOK AT MY SITUATION AND WANT TO SMACK ME INTO REALITY.
tbennett71 tbennett71 36-40, F Aug 8, 2011

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