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All That I Asked For Was A Little Bit Of Love...

I have been in a relationship with my college mate for a year and eight months now.. for the past 3 months, he has been humiliating me for every fault of mine.. letting nothing go.. i am a very independent person and have let go a lot for his sake.. we have broken up a lot of times, each time he comes and begs me to go back to his life. there are moments of extreme happiness with him but those have in recent times become too few and too less. My friends have only one solution to this. They ask me to move on and rid my self of the grief... i Somehow can't.. I am sick of the tears, of the helplessness.. My Self respect has been flushed down the drain and my identity is in danger of getting lost
lonelyidiot lonelyidiot 18-21 6 Responses Oct 21, 2011

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Wow Brainyblonde hit it out of the park on all levels! Every word she typed...is very valuable! Take a hint from someone who stayed in and out of that relationship 18 years...to argue and fight means there is something left to fix and from the sounds of it there is nothing left of YOU! Fight for yourself and remember this will be insufficient ten years from now! Move on while you are young!

Of course, he begs you to go back to him; it is always easier for a bully to get his victim to come back than it is to find and train a new victim.<br />
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Bad love can be addictive, particularly for those of us who had unhappy childhoods. Insecurity and the need for love plus the habit of having him in your life makes you take him back.<br />
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How would you deal with some other self-destructive habit in your life? If you were a drug addict, would you just go right on taking the drug or would you look for a way out? This is the same kind of situation. You need to learn to tolerate the withdrawal symptoms and let him go. Ask all of those friends who keep telling you to let him go to support you through this. Ask 3 of those friends to agree to be on 24 call by phone (in 8 hour shifts) so that you can always call one of them anytime he is begging you to get back together with him and your friend can help you stay focused on your resolve to not let him back into your life. <br />
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You can also cut off communication by blocking your phone and email etc. If you are clear and firm and calm when you tell him it's over, and you do not talk to him AT ALL from then on, he will not have a chance to persuade you against your better judgment. Tell him if he tries to talk to you again, you will call the police and nail him as a stalker. And, if you have to do that, do it.<br />
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This man is draining your energy and your self-esteem. It is the same as if he physically attacked you. In fact, a physical attack might be better because you could see it in the mirror and be reminded of it. Your emotional damage is just as real. Take it seriously and take care of yourself. Do not give this man a chance anymore.<br />
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When you break up with him, meet with him in a public place, not at your place or his or anywhere else where you';d be alone with him. A park is good. Set a time limit for the meeting, in your own mind. Have a watch with you. 5 minutes is good, no more than 10. Keep it short, clear and to the point. Don't apologize to him. Don't explain why you want to break up with him (all of those past fights and break ups should have given him some idea of why you do not want to continue with him). Don't allow it to deteriorate into an argument about whether or not you should break up. You have made a decision; your job is to simply imform him of your decision, not to debate or discuss it at length.<br />
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Here is how you do it. You say sometthing like this. "Humphrey, I need to let you know that this relationship is just not working for me anymore. I am going to start seeing other people and I hope you will do the same." Then give him some time (1-2 minutes to vent his feelings, protest or argue. Don't say anything, just listen. Then say, "I can see how you feel about this. Nevertheless, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. It's over, Humphrey. Best of luck to you." And you leave. And you do not talk to him ever again. Breakups are sad, I know, but, believe me, you will feel like a burden has been lifted when you get rid of this guy.

You are not telling the whole story. Remember that most "friends" are fake. They'll tell you what you want to hear. It seems you love him. Do a self-analyzing and see whether you are the problem. If you are, either fix them or, as you know, you'll most likely keep experiencing the same results in your next relationship.

You're scared that you'll lose yourself if you're not with him? Just from your story, it sounds like you have already lost some of yourself just by being with him. I've been in a similar situation before. Its easier to kind of smooth over the rough patches of the relationship and only focus on the few positive moments of happiness. Its not easy to let go, especially when you love the person and you've been in a relationship for a substantial amount of time. But you have to love yourself first and put yourself first. Find out who you are without him. Its so dangerous to have your self identity wrapped up in someone else. You can talk to him and tell him how you feel, but if he continues to humiliate you and you stay with him, you will further spiral down into a shell of the person you used to be. Believe me, I know. Sometimes you have to say, I love myself more than I love him. Like I said before, its not easy but you have to make yourself number one in this situation. I can only hope that you find some peace during this time of your life.

what do you mean by "inviting him to have input?" I love him still.. as much as i used to when i first met him.. and i am scared il lose myself if i am not with him... Thanks a lot for commenting....

lay some ground rules down that are mutual. invite him to have input but if you feel they are too much let him know. if he feels yours are too much he may have to confess why & this will give you some insight hopefully on if he is worth your time in the long run.<br />
it sounds to me you are loosing yourself & you have given up too much. what has he done? has he done the same? if so why? ask him. i think you need to know.<br />
when a relationship is all about changing each other i think it can be toxic unless it is for good reason.