Total Loss Of Confidence.About 15 years ago my life started going bad.
My wife went into kidney failure. All the medical bills (dialysis, now two kidney transplants, all the medications) took our modest savings and more. With the dialysis, she couldn't keep her job and went on disability. Obviously we couldn't have sex for a time following the operations after operations. Sex became less frequent.
Our kids growing up, trouble in school. Minor trouble with the law.
Then the factory where I worked shut down. I found another job about 20 miles away at 2/3 my previous pay. Then I had a chance at a good paying job two minutes from my home. I got the job and worked 10 weeks or so when the union went on strike. So I had to get a different job. Worked at the new job a few weeks and got called back to my job.
I started developing my own medical problems around this time. They started with high blood pressure and asthma. The next time the union went on strike i got a job welding at a factory. It lasted two days. I had an asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for a couple days. The next factory was a complete hole. It considered ventilation to be leaving the doors open. I didn't make it a day there before I had another attack. I walked out. The temp agency dropped me. Finally I landed where I work now. When the union called me, I told them i couldn't afford being on strike for three months a year. I went from $17/hr to $9/hr over this time. Supporting a family of four with a couple pets. Over the years, working long hours, always willing to come in early or stay late I'm making $11/hr.
Being the dedicated wage slave I was, I would come home tired. The greetings went from hugs and "how was your day" to "i need.....you have to do this, you have to do that". I'm not a husband anymore, I'm a errand runner, handyman, and bed warmer for my wife. A roommate.
Most of my jobs were on 2nd shift so I didn't get a chance to go to my kids school activities most of the time. Or spend a lot of time with them. As they came home from school I was leaving for work. As can be expected they grew apart from my intrests. I get very little respect from them. I tell them to do something, they say no. If I had talked to my dad the way they talk to me he would have taken is belt off and layed into me. Cant do that anymore though you know. Around here they seem to take the welfare of kids to an extreme that if you yell at them too loud they come to "investigate".
So to sum it all up: I'm in a sexless marriage (not even a ******* for almost two years now) My wife treats me with respect but never initates hugs, or kisses or any physical contact. My kids treat me like I'm just around to do things for them and give them money I dont have, and my mail and phone calls are mostly from debt collectors. Medical expenses for me and my wife are around $200 a month. I barely have enough money to get food for the week after everything is taken care of.
I'm not yet suicidal but I really dont much care if I live or die on a daily basis. The medication I take includes two antidepressants so when I cant afford my pills anymore again, who knows?
I hate myself, my life, and just keep getting up and doing again day after day. All pressure and no relief. Every year I use my vacation days because I'm sick or because my wife has all-day appointments at her transplant hospital 2 hours away from home and will need someone to drive her.
Thanks for reading.