Scared And Alone In Myself

 I am just really lonely right now.  I'm in college abroad and I am realising that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. 

I feel like I am surrounded by all this artificiality, and I spend so much time alone and in my head, that I obsess and feel terrible about myself.
I know that I have so much passion and character-- I believe in love, life, art, and the value of being human, but feeling down seems to have become my identity-- I want to have real, meaningful relationships, but I am not in a state to feel like 'putting myself out there' and making friends. 
I feel pathetic, and that's what really gets me; because I know the heart that I have, but I'm just not feeling it. 
I'm really just reaching out.
I feel like I have no real connections with anyone, and I get so caught up in depressive states in my head, that I feel all this anger and hostility towards myself. I lost my mother 4 years ago, and I miss her terribly. I just want someone to be able to love me and not judge me, not be horrified by the fact that I'm down right now, but just be there for me, and help me feel like I'm worth something in this world.
alittlelonely alittlelonely
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 26, 2012

College is annoying because most kids have no idea what they want to do. Do not worry you are not alone. I do not know what year you are. But try not to think about it too much. Otherwise it will just eat at you. Maybe step back and enjoy the now.

Man I can be the same way. but sometimes I just isolate myself since I get so wrapped in something that I feel lonely and then I get angry because I'm the one who's doing the isolation. And then that's when I get relationships with people who are just there and who do not really understand me, or have this superficial relationship. But yeah Ep is a good way to vent all of this and if you post, there's a good chance people will read it and comment. Just chin up and get over this hump in your life. Everyone gets sad sooner or later, but we just gotta get through it. and I'm sorry about your mom.

yez Mummychops is right praying is big help!thats what i do when ever i feel lonely....I'v been alone too for a year now and i feel and i know exactky how you feel.....EP is a right place...and count me in as your friend.!

I understand what your saying. It can be really difficult when your on your own and easy to feel down and frustrated. I'm struggling at the moment too. No connections, no one that understands and that's exactly why I joined EP to get support and be heard. Maybe you could do something nice for yourself you wouldn't usually do. I dont feel like looking after myself so I'm making an effort to do things like paint my nails and make my hair look nice. Try doing something for yourself you struggle to do when your feeling down. It may lift your mood. I pray as well. I like to believe If no one else is there for me at least God is. I hope you begin to feel better and feel less lonely. <br />
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From Mummychops